Compassion In Action

Co-operation

Sunday, May 17th, 2009 | connection | No Comments

This week my bedroom is wall-to-wall kid’s clothes as I sort through closets and drawers. We’re in the midst of our semi-annual clothes clean-up. We pass on clothes that don’t fit anymore, put away clothes for the fall, and try to find summer clothes that fit. I know I’ll feel so satisfied when I have my room back!

Attention: Parents of teens and older children.

I’m looking for stories from families with great relationships. What makes family relationships work? What doesn’t work? What advice would you give to a parent who is struggling to get along with their kids?

Have you heard that before? I also hear about how uncooperative kids are and “If I could only get my kids to co-operate, then I’d be happy!”

When my parents used to tell me, “do what I say, not what I do”, I felt unsettled. Maybe, I felt confused. I can’t really remember. I do remember that I sometimes felt resentful and did what they said anyway just to get them off my backs and avoid punishment. Knowing now how much they loved me, I’m certain they wished I felt more joy. They didn’t know about partnership parenting. Instead, I’m sure they hoped to have power over me like many parents of their time. Today, I seek to invite everyone in my family to co-operate out of joy and contribution rather than resentment and avoidance.

So, I ask, what does “co-operate” mean?

co-operate: the act of working together, especially for mutual benefit

Co = together; Operate = to do something

If I demand that my children do what I say, without question, this is not inviting them to work together. There is no “co” in co-operate if I’m just telling my children what to do.

Recently, my oldest daughter expressed her dissatisfaction about cleaning up the bedroom “all by herself again”. Can you hear the long sigh? I could see that she wanted company and co-operation. I went in to the room and invited the other kids to help clean up. In a few minutes, the room was cleaned and we all had some fun while we did it.

Another time, I asked the kids to clean the living room while I cleaned the kitchen. One child asked me, “why should we clean up the living room when you’re not doing anything?”

I checked in with him that co-operation was important. I shared with him what I was envisioning: that we were sharing the tasks of cleaning two rooms. I asked if he preferred to do the dishes and sweeping while I cleaned the living room and he said that he preferred to do the living room. The rooms were cleaned shortly afterwards with no hassle.

It would seem that cooperation is important for all of us. I think our children, like us, need reassurance from time to time that we’re not alone and that we’re here to help each other.

Sometimes, I specifically ask for obedience. When we’re heading out the door quickly or doing something that I don’t want to stop because it will impact other members of the family in ways we won’t enjoy, then I ask that we move forward and take the time to negotiate or talk about what needs are not met after there is obedience.

I don’t do this often. Maybe less than 5% of the time. Sometimes, we ask our children to do what we say for the sake of safety or ease. I’ve learned that kids raised in a home where partnerships are valued speak out when their needs are not met. This speaking out takes some adults off guard. Please do not mistake self-advocacy for being disrespectful or uncooperative. These children generally trust that their needs matter and when it really counts, we’ll be there to respect their needs as equal to our own. My older kids (7 and 10) understand now that group momentum and compliance is easier for all of us sometimes.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Imagine someone demanding that you be co-operative…which is short-hand for obedience. You may have a boss or teacher like that. You probably don’t enjoy it. Everyone needs choice and to matter. The same is true for children.

Frankly, if you want your children to be cooperative, then be co-operative. Children learn to co-operate by living with co-operative adults. Co-operation works both ways. Gandhi invited us to be the change we want to see in the world. “What we are teaches the child far more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become.” Joseph Chilton Pearce.

Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson in Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids writes this about using power-over with children: ” Parents with this orientation spend a lot of their time lecturing, advising, arguing, analyzing, and, in what ever ways, trying to manage the behavior of their children to fit a set of expectations they accept as the right and only way to do things…using phrases like you have to, you must, you ought to, and you should.”

If you want parenting to be easier, don’t spend one minute trying to make your children do what you think they should do. Aim for co-operation instead. People will follow through with agreements if they are do-able and they are motivated. We can’t motivate people. Motivation comes from within. What we can do is figure out what will motivate people to keep their commitments and do that.

What do you notice when you or someone you know spends their time policing their kids to be sure they’re doing what they’re told?

What does co-operation look like for you?

Name one thing you can do this week to put “co” into co-operation?

Bedtime is a connection time

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009 | connection | No Comments

I’m delighted to share this article written by a colleague and Certified NVC Trainer, Inessa Love. Please read all the way to the bottom about the Family Heart Camp she’s co-cordinating this summer, July 10-18th, 2009 near Washington, DC.

Bedtime is a connection time

As most parents could relate to, bedtime is a fertile ground for disagreements. Kids usually don’t like going to bed – they enjoy every minute of their day and feel great resistance to stop all the excitement just to go to sleep. Such a contrast with us, adults, who are often overworked, overtired, under-rested and can’t wait to hit the pillow, only to find out we are too exhausted to sleep. This evening the bedtime did not promise to be much fun- it was late and I was tired, but my four year old son had different plans for the night.
 
That evening he got a new boat – it is a ferry boat that has a ramp that lowers down to allow the cars to drive up and take a ride on the boat. We played for a long time with it in the pool this evening. But now it was 9pm, just about the time I like to see him in bed. My idea was to get ready for bed quickly because it was already “too late.” But his idea was to get the bathtub full of water and play with the new boat some more.
 
“Let’s play just a little bit in the bath tub, just a tiny little bit,” he pleaded.
 
“No, I said, I am tired, and want to get some rest, let’s get ready for bed” I said, noticing that he was on the verge of crying. “OK,” I tried to compromise – “let’s play for a few minutes with the new boat in your room, here on the carpet.”
 
“Noooo, he says, starting to cry, it’s a boat, we need to play in the water, it cannot go on the carpet.” I see the meltdown coming.
 
“Wait,” I said, “let me think about it.” He stops crying, I guess he trusts that when I say “let me think about it,” I will consider what he wants with care. I am pleased with that. He is learning that I mean what I say. Nice.
 
I really think about an option to let him play in the bathtub, and calculate it might take some 20-30 extra minutes; bath time is really a big deal for him, and it’s really hard to get him out of the bath tub, he likes it so much. I really don’t want to do that. But I see his point.
 
“You know, it makes sense that you’d like to play in the water because it is a boat, I understand why you want it.” I can really see why this is important. He looks pleased that I understand his needs. Then I have an idea.
 
“I have an idea, do you want to hear it?” He agrees. “How about this: as soon as you wake up in the morning we will fill the tub with water and play with your boat.” I tried to find a solution that might work for both of us – for him to meet his needs for play in ways that he would most enjoy, and for me to meet my needs for ease, rest and harmony in the evening.
 
“Let me think about it,” he said and paused, just like I did a moment ago, to consider what I said. “Wow,” I thought to myself, “he is catching up, he is considering my idea.” I was glad that he was willing to think about it. 
 
“I have another idea,” he said, “how about we pretend this is an airplane and play for a little bit in the room on the carpet.”
 
“I like your idea, I agree.” I said.
 
I was amazed that he was able to find another solution – a very creative solution, I must say. If this toy is an airplane, it does not need the water! So he was able to agree to play in his room, as I suggested earlier. What he really did was to find a way to meet both of our needs- a way for him to play that is fun for him, and a way that considers my needs that would be met by for going to bed earlier rather then later.
 
That is the essence of the process that I study and teach, called Nonviolent Communication: understanding what both people’s needs are and finding creative solutions to meet them. We really can do this, as my 4 year old had just demonstrated to me. I now feel more confident that with Nonviolent Communication, a bedtime could be a time for connection, fun, play and learning and I trust that we can find creative solutions to meet everyone’s needs.
 
About the Author:
Inessa Love is a certified trainer with the Center for Nonviolent Communication. She is the founder of the newsletter www.ConnectionTimes.org which offers inspirational stories and advice on improving any personal and professional relationships. She is organizing and NVC Family Camp, a week-long immersion in Nonviolent Communication for Families that will take place on July 10-18 near Washington DC: www.FamilyHEARTCamp.org

Honesty

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009 | Uncategorized, connection, couples | No Comments

After a busy week, I’ve decided to try something new. Thank you to those of you who requested shorter newsletters to read…for us parents with so little time.
Here it goes…

Today, I am so grateful that my husband honestly expressed his disappointment about some aspect of our relationship. It wasn’t easy to hear. I felt really sad to hear it. To relieve that sadness and restore connection, we wanted to find ways to better meet our needs. So, we went out to dinner and made concrete plans to find more time for ourselves no matter what.

Honesty: communicating and acting truthfully

How comfortable are you with being honest?
How comfortable are you hearing your partner’s or kid’s honesty?
How do you show you love each other no matter what?
What do you do to keep your relationship strong?

“Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.” Mahatma Gandhi

“Each difficult moment has the potential to open my eyes and open my heart.” Myla Kabat-Zinn

“Only when your beloved trusts that her expression of either “no” or “yes” will maintain the same quality of connection between you both, can there be deep safety in the relationship” Kelly Bryson, “Don’t be Nice, Be Real”

Managing Family Life

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009 | Family Life | No Comments

Have you got too many balls in the air like I do?

Being a parent these days often means being pulled in a million directions at once. Maybe both parents work outside the home or you’re a single parent trying to make ends meet. A typical day might be this: waking up tired, scarfing down breakfast, getting dressed, finishing homework from the night before, and hurrying yourself and the kids out the door for work and school. If you’re lucky, everyone arrives on time. Then you’re faced with meetings, project  deadlines,  and  a rush home to pick up the kids, have dinner together, go out for lessons or complete homework, and get to bed to do it all again tomorrow. Phew!

A  father once asked me with dismay, “How do I make the time to really connect with my kids?”

We all have 24 hours in every day. What we do with that time is up to us. What do you choose? Here’s a place to start.

1) What qualities do I want to see in my children when they are adults?

2) Now, take all those qualities and values and re-write them as “I value ________.”

For example, “I value honesty.” or “I value meaningful and satisfying work.”

3) Tweak your statements in #2 and re-write them as “I choose to ____(one realistic action)___ because I value ___(from #2)___.”

For example, “I choose to speak the truth because I value honesty.” or “I choose  to do work that brings me joy and satisfaction because I value meaningful and satisfying work.” Be as specific as possible. Try something like, “I choose to wash the dishes to music after dinner because I value being able to have clean dishes when I need them and have fun at the same time.”

4) What are you going to do to hold yourself accountable and do what you say you want to do?

5) Driving in the fast lane all the time deprives us of our creativity and access to our inner wisdom. When our brains get rest, they function better. Take time to rest, do something you enjoy for yourself, and say “no” to tasks that don’t serve your values.

Today, I had a day of silence for myself. I feel refreshed and rested. I’m writing this blog while sitting outside with the kids. My head is clear. Just so you know, I’m not always living in balance. Just last week, I felt out of control. So, I took the time to discern what tasks bring me joy and which ones drain me. I got some coaching to help me see my needs with eyes of an objective observer. After a few changes in my schedule, I’m living more in balance. That’s why I took this day of silence.

What brings you joy?

What could you say “no” to, to make your life more manageable?

What’s one thing you can do today to bring more joy and balance into your life?

For those of you who are like me and resist saying “no” because life is so darn exciting, have patience with yourself and get support. You can do it! Perhaps I’ll blog about that someday.

Teens Relate Best When Emotional Needs Met

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009 | Emotional Intelligence through the years, Teens, connection | No Comments

“You’re too protective!” “You don’t listen to me!” “Get the &%$# out of my room!” “You’re not the boss of me!” How do we make sense of it? How do we connect with our teenagers?

Most teens I’ve met mistrust adults. Heck, most adults I meet mistrust teens. I imagine teens thinking sarcastically… “oh great, here’s another adult telling me what to do!” I’ve heard both adults and teens say, “He doesn’t listen to me!”

I don’t blame them. I felt the same way when I was their age…angry, hesitant, and aloof. My teen years were challenging for both me and my parents. I swore and yelled at them. Sometimes my parents fought back. Sometimes they left me alone. Eventually, I left my parents for 8 years to seek the company of my peers who would listen to me. I was also influenced by the self-growth movement of the 80s that encouraged me to blame my parents to reclaim power.

So, where does the mistrust come from? We know statistically, as children get older, parents tend to correct and direct rather than appreciate. This conveys our lack of trust and takes responsibility for how our children behave. Examine how you feel when you are corrected. How do you feel when someone wants to spend time with you just for fun? What happens when you get more of one than the other?

Adolescence is a natural human transition. The integration of reason and feelings can cause rocky, rapid changes. At this time, most development is done without parents. Teen rage and ambivalence speaks to me about needs to be heard, to matter, and to be accepted no matter what. We don’t have to tolerate how our children treat us AND we can accept what needs everyone is trying to meet. I assume teenagers don’t trust me and I begin by earning their trust. How? By listening deeply and loving them unconditionally.

These are some of the needs I listen for:
1. self-discovery: spiritual, emotional, physical, mental, sexual, and social
2. adventure and learning: exploring identities and ideas makes them seem highly critical
3. autonomy: choice, freedom to decide what’s best for them, competence, and self-empowerment
4. interdependence: learning when and how to ask for help, belonging, acceptance, separation
5. self-assertion: self-awareness of unique talents, self-expression, and developing relationship skills
6. Trust, understanding, and loving guidance to achieve their goals on their own terms

Can you think of ways your teenager has tried to meet these needs? What did you observe? What worked for him? What didn’t work for him? What triggered you? What would you do to restore trust?

“The secret of effective parenting is much more in the nature of the child’s relationship with the parent than in the skills of the parent. Behind every successful parenting experience is a good working attachment between a child and a parent.” Drs. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté in Hold On To Your Kids

How can parents restore connection?

You’re not alone if you’re struggling with teen years. As your child experiments with new skills, there will be many times when you won’t understand her. She’ll come and go without you.

Please remember that you still matter even though your role has changed from being the centre of her universe to trusted guide and coach. You’re not going to be the only person your child talks to for support and guidance. Rest assured, although you won’t always understand your child, you can stay curious. Don’t give up on your desire to understand just because it’s hard.

Here are 6 ways to connect and make a positive difference in your teen’s life.

1) Treat your teenager the way you would like to be treated.
You might be saying, “I’m not going to stand by and listen to my 15 year old swear at me!” Before interpreting her reaction, observe what happened before she yelled. What was in your tone? Did she have a bad day? Did you demand something instead of asking? Think about what you enjoy and how you would treat a friend. If your child seems grumpy, offer a caring listening ear. Most people enjoy greeting each other when they come in the door or when they wake up. What’s the first thing you do together after you’ve been apart? Is it friendly?
As I mentioned above, earn each other’s trust and share the ways you enjoy your child? Honestly express what it is that your child has done to help meet your needs. Share how you feel about that. With no strings attached, appreciation is a simple, safe, and happy way to connect with each other.

2) Resist the urge to fix mistakes or make painful feelings go away.
Focus on connection and understanding. After you listen closely to your child, share your values in much the same way you would share your values with a friend…brief and nonjudgmental. Be honest, talk about specific actions, your feelings and needs, and make specific realistic requests. Resist the urge to sway your child to make choices you would make. As long as their choice is safe, let them make mistakes and learn from them. Our children, like us, enjoy a trusted guide who is willing to listen to our upset when we make mistakes. Show your confidence that your child can learn and make other choices.

So, in the example of your swearing teenager, you might first listen to her needs. Some good questions include: How do you feel about that? What are you needing? What worked for you? What didn’t work for you? What are you going to do about that? Remember to stay curious. When she feels calmer or has some idea of what to do next, you might request that she not swear at you next time. What would you request to make it easier for you to hear her needs next time? When you listen closely to the needs under the swear words and demands, your child eventually won’t need to make demands to be heard.

Children who are unconditionally loved and accepted when they express their joy and their pain, grow up to be cooperative and compassionate. Since they are used to managing their emotions, they don’t need drugs to numb pain. This unconditional acceptance builds strong attachment and resilience to stress. Tears are healing. If more people felt at ease to express their intense emotions in close relationships, I’m convinced we would see a reduction in violence everywhere.

3) Listen without judgment and see the challenges from your teen’s perspective.
Assume he has the best intent and revisit the needs I listed above. What would it take for you to genuinely open your heart to connect with your teenager? Give your child the gift of your presence, your care, your emotional warmth, and fun. This will convey that he matters. Honour and nurture your child by being a witness for him. Likely, none of his friends know him in the way that you do. You have special shared experiences. Heart connection helps meet needs for belonging and acceptance.

4) Model compassion, self-care, and interdependence.
Your child is still watching you to see how to manage emotions. Although you’re not the expert anymore, your presence can help provide structure and context. When your child feels lost and confused (which often looks like anger and depression), you can help him to uncover his own inner wisdom and offer your assistance. When we do that, we invite him to trust us. When we don’t do that, he may seek peer companionship for order and belonging. It’s okay for a teenager to want a parent’s help. We all seek interdependence…to give and receive from others. You’ll hear how stupid and over-protective parents are. Don’t take it personally. Friends will often show solidarity and support in this way.

“Perhaps we think that if we don’t push a little, they will never leave the nest. Human beings are not like birds in this respect. The more children are pushed, the tighter they cling—or, failing that, they nest with someone else.” Drs. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté in Hold On To Your Kids

5) Safety and peace of mind are met when you know your child’s friends, their parents, and the other adults in your teen’s life who share similar family values. Your child is going to seek out the guidance of other adults and peers. You can surround yourself and your family with a caring community who can support your child. This community can come from friends, a faith community, school, neighbourhood, or other social group.

I wish you and your family deep connection, understanding, and adventure.

Emotional Intelligence and Toddlers

Monday, March 30th, 2009 | Emotional Intelligence through the years | No Comments

This week, I received a couple of questions about toddlers who hit and bite from parents wondering how to teach their youngsters about emotional intelligence. I also received similar questions about teens which I will cover in next week’s blog.

I was drawn to the toddler questions when my youngest son Rowan, now 2 1/2 years, came to me and said, “me sad ‘bout Malcolm do dat”. His older brother was crying after being hit in the head by a hard block. Clearly, Rowan had expressed his dissatisfaction with being told “no” by throwing a block at his older brother Malcolm. After spending a few minutes checking out Malcolm’s head, giving him a hug, and connecting with his hurt feelings, while Rowan was in my arms, I turned to Rowan. “Are you disappointed because you wanted to play?”, I asked. He said, “Ya ” and we shared big hugs. I shared that I would enjoy finding ways to play safely. “Could you have a gentle touch for Malcolm?”, I asked showing Rowan what that looked like. After a few minutes of hugs and gentle touching, Rowan felt energized and found something else to do. Malcolm re-directed himself and was playing with his own toys by himself the way he wanted.

As a parent, you can keep physical health, safety, and emotional well-being in mind while honouring the needs of your growing toddler. Toddlers are focused on meeting three basic needs:
1.  Autonomy: choosing what to do, freedom to decide what’s best for them, adventure, and self-empowerment
2.  Independence and interdependence: competence, learning to do things on their own, and learning when to ask for help
3.  Self-assertion: growing self-awareness and unique talents, self-expression, developing language skills, determined to do things their own way, and wanting to help out

Can you now imagine why hearing “no” is one of the most difficult messages for toddlers to hear? Toddlers also have a growing interest in other children like themselves. So, as much as they want to be with other toddlers, parallel play (playing side-by side) is more successful than sharing together since conflict over belongings can’t be completely eliminated. So, frustration and anger is a result of constantly learning new things, wanting to choose what to do, and having little to no self-regulation.

It’s no wonder the language of toddlers includes: “no”, “mine”, “me do” or “do by myself”. The toddler rules of ownership according to author John Gottman (a) are: “1) If I see it, it’s mine; 2) If it’s yours and I want it, it’s mine; and 3) If it’s mine, it’s mine forever.”

How can parents help?

You’ve probably heard it before. This time is so precious and it will pass by quickly. It will. Meanwhile, some days you’re ready to pull out your hair, cry, or run out of the park in embarrassment because you can’t believe your little angel just took a chunk out of his best friend.
Here are 5 tried and true ways to help you and your toddler survive these months.

1) Listen closely and see the challenges from your toddler’s perspective. See what needs he is trying to meet and assume he has the best intent. Revisit the needs I listed above.

2) Accept and acknowledge feelings and needs not only with your words; but also with all your heart and body. You’ve probably heard me say before that 90-95% of our communication is in our body, tone, and mannerisms. If you’re only paying lip service to your child’s present needs, she’ll see right through you.  Your child wants all of you. Our children ask for nothing less than our presence.

Labeling feelings can be helpful in the same way we label inanimate objects. For example, your child says “baw” and you respond, “yes, that’s a ball.” However, with feelings, you “point” to the sensation best with your connection and presence. You’ll notice a shift in your toddler’s body language when that connection is made. I notice a deep sigh or my child’s body will sink into mine if I’m holding him. Let the tears flow. On average, when we allow the expression of feelings like frustration or sadness, they are released within a few minutes. You can try saying “Do you want to show how sad you feel?” or “Are you so, so sad?”

3) Model emotional intelligence and self-care.
Toddlerhood is a time when symbolic and pretend play is emerging. Toddlers act out behaviours and words observed from family members and friends. They are able to remember events and imitate them later. Your toddler is watching you to see how to manage emotions and meet needs.

This is where the rubber meets the road. This is where parents say they have the most difficulty. Bear in mind, you’re likely going to find steps one and two difficult if you’re exhausted and criticizing yourself. Taking care of yourself is one of the most important ways you can contribute to your own well-being and take care of your family. That way you can take your time to figure out what needs of yours you want to meet, and make requests of your toddler that help move you in that direction. Please be compassionate with yourself though. Connection is more important than “getting it right”.

For example, if you want your child to fall asleep because you want alone time with your partner, be clear about that within yourself. Your toddler is unlikely to understand it. However, if you try to tell him that getting to sleep is better for him, he’ll read your body language and detect you’re lying. Instead, identify the needs that you want to meet and how you want to contribute to your child’s well-being and come from that energy. The congruence of the messages from your body and your words will invite relaxation. Now, it’s up to your toddler of course.

4) Safety and peace of mind are met when a stimulating and safe environment is available for toddler to explore and play in. When you offer choices, offer two or three real choices keeping your needs in mind.

In my first example, I connected with the needs of both boys while ensuring safety. Rowan was kept safely in my arms. He could see my concern for his older brother and my desire to connect with each of them about what needs they were each trying to meet. When a toddler hits or bites, they’re expressing frustration and disappointment. To gain some time to connect and help yourself feel calmer, try a catch phrase that teacher Katy Dawson once shared with me…“Do you feel frustrated because it didn’t work out they way you hoped?”

I found this strategy works well if biting and hitting are occasional and if older children are armed with the knowledge to protect themselves if they see any sign of hitting or biting. If biting or hitting is common, begin to watch for signs that biting may occur and step in before that. Step in with gentleness and connection. You might take your toddler aside, give him a big hug, and ask him to show you the new toy he loves so much. When he shows you, ask him to show the friend. “Tell me all about it.” “Does your friend know that the toy can do that? Wow  Fascinating!”

About choices, instead of asking “Will you brush your teeth now?” say, “It’s time to brush your teeth. To have fun with this, would you like to brush first or would you like for me to play the train game with you again?” (toothbrush train over the teeth, for example)
Instead of asking “Will you put on your coat to go outside?” say “It’s time to go outside. Would you like to wear your blue coat or your red coat and sweater?”

To reduce conflict over belongings, invite your toddler to choose toys they want to share. Putting the other toys away will help contribute to trust and empowerment. Be prepared to accept your toddler will change his mind. Don’t you change your mind once you implement a choice sometimes? What would she like to do about that now? If she asks for help, offer a couple of ideas that will work for the both of you.

5) Express appreciation.
Don’t praise  You probably have read about the importance of praise for growing self-esteem. If self-esteem were the prize at the end of a maze and your child was the rat, then praise. Heathy self-esteem is our natural tendency and it’s not a prize. Our children see right through our manipulative efforts to make them feel a certain way about themselves. Praise erodes trust and self-confidence. Just don’t do it

Instead, appreciate. Honestly express what it is that your child has done to help meet your needs. Share how you feel about that. That’s it.

That last point is going to be a hard one for parents too. If you’ve read as many parenting books as I have and grown up as a by-product of behaviour theory, you’re going to be learning new habits. Rest assured, appreciation and gratitude is fuel for the heart and soul. The self growth movement urges people to write gratitude journals and recite affirmations with a heart of gratitude. If you’re interested in modeling emotional intelligence with your toddler, begin to share your feelings of gratitude and your met needs. We learn better in an environment that is fun, safe, and calm. Appreciating is all of those things.

Have fun. Learn and play together. Enjoy getting to know your toddler and taking care of yourself. Foster emotional intelligence by beginning to increase your awareness about your feelings and needs and share your learning with your child as you grow together.

Note (a) from Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, Ph.D.

Next Week: Compassionate Communication and Emotional Intelligence for Teens

I feel angry sometimes

Monday, March 23rd, 2009 | anger management | No Comments

This blog comes on the heels of a challenging week. As some of you know, I’m changing my relationship with food and exercise to support my health and fit into a pair of jeans I wore 2 ½ years ago. Along with that, my husband and I have a few encounters with government agencies and banks this week. Phew! So, I was blessed to have my own self-judgments and people around me to trigger my anger. It wasn’t easy and the payoff was great because I learned so much about myself and others. This article is my affirmation for compassionate communication even when I feel angry.

I am improving my communication skills and resolving conflicts peacefully and effectively.

Open and honest communication is essential to keep my relationships healthy. For this reason, I strive to keep the big picture in mind whenever I find myself in conflict with someone else. We can work out our differences when we trust that all needs and values will be respected and heard.

When I feel angry, I am probably feeling scared that my needs don’t matter. I’m likely disappointed that something hasn’t worked out the way I hoped. What keeps me from seeing the beauty of the relationship in moments of conflict? What needs of mine were not met? How can I value them now, so that I can listen to what this person is trying to say or do? When I feel angry with myself, how can I connect to the life in me rather than criticize myself?

When I feel angry, I step back from the situation to cool off before we discuss it further. I remember to breathe. I connect to my feelings and needs. I figure out why I am triggered by something someone else has said or done. Rarely do issues need to be resolved on the spot. Time away from the argument often makes communication and conflict productive. Sometimes, I call up a friend or life coach to help me to sort out my feelings and needs before I discuss anything. Then, we come back with a clearer idea of what’s important to us. Now, we can resolve the pain and restore goodwill. Conflict is an opportunity to learn when I choose to communicate consciously from my heart rather than react out of habit.

I accept that I feel angry sometimes. I know it is both impossible and unhealthy to hide from emotions. Anger is my emergency signal that I need to attend to my needs. If I detect anger early, I don’t need to blow my top. Without judging myself or others, I ask, “What am I also feeling, besides anger? What did I have in mind? How do I choose to meet my needs now?”

When I am ready to talk, I make sure to discuss our perceptions, feelings, and needs rather than attacking the person.

I remember that nurturing relationships is my long term goal. For this reason, I let go of any desires for revenge or being right. I put my focus on understanding and developing workable solutions. I tell other people how I feel and what I need. I remain open to hearing how others feel and what they value.

In the heat of the moment, my opinion always seems right. I recognize that there are always at least two sides to every story. Everyone’s needs matter. The best way to meet my needs is to consider the whole picture. That way nothing gets left out. Two (or more) heads are often better than one.

Although it’s hard to do sometimes, I assume everyone has the best intent. I don’t seek to make other people’s lives miserable. There is no reason to assume people are out to get me. I release my beliefs and language that imply that I am right and other people are wrong.

Because I treasure my relationships more than proving myself right, I make a conscious effort to facilitate communication and understanding, especially when I find myself in conflict.

Personal Reflections:

1. When I find myself in conflict, how do I take time to calm down so that I can respond consciously?
2. How do I show others that I value their point of view and respect their needs?
3. How do I reassure myself that I value and respect my needs?
4. How do I facilitate connection and understanding?
5. Am I willing to focus on the lasting health of my relationships rather than being right?
6. How can I detect the early stages of anger so that I can meet my needs without blowing up?
7. How do I make a conscious choice to respond compassionately from my heart rather than react defensively or habitually?

How to Say You’re Sorry-Mistakes Are the Fastest Way to Learn

Sunday, March 15th, 2009 | Making mistakes, connection | No Comments

It’s not easy to admit when you said or did something that didn’t work out the way you hoped. What do you do with your feelings of remorse or disappointment? How do you feel when you make a mistake or when others make mistakes? Your beliefs about mistakes can tell a lot about what you believe about yourself, your relationships, and your willingness to learn.

As a parent, when I admit to my kids I’ve made a mistake, it is the FASTEST way to restore connection. We can transform feelings of anger, sadness, and frustration into eagerness, calm and curiosity within a matter of seconds or minutes. When I feel guilty or embarrassed to admit my mistakes, I see how my fear contributes to more conflict and regret. What do you notice?

I’ve found that having a positive attitude toward slip-ups makes correcting them easier and quicker than if you deny it ever happened. If you never acknowledge your blunders, you’ll never be able to correct them.

“The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period on one’s life.” Dalai Lama

Who Makes Mistakes?

Let’s consider people you know and respect. Think of a time when they made a mistake. If you can’t think of anything, ask someone you trust about it. Did they “fess up” to their mistakes or did they try to hide them out of embarrassment? What happened?

“Sometimes when you innovate, you make mistakes. It is best to admit them quickly, and get on with improving your other innovations.” Steve Jobs, Founder of Apple Computers 

What does a baby do when she’s learning to walk? She makes mistakes, doesn’t she? She falls down many, many times. Then she falls down some more until she learns how to walk. She does some of the same mistakes over and over again. Life is the same as it always has been since we were babies. Do not be afraid of making mistakes. Make lots of mistakes. Enjoy learning!

We all make mistakes.

When you make a mistake, it’s easy to ignore the problem or blame someone else for it. Unfortunately, if someone slips-up and tries to hide it, that’s when people begin to distrust them, not because they made the mistake in the first place! The problem with blame and shame is that they erode the trust others have in you a little more each time.

Beware the “Sorry” that Comes from Guilt

Chances are, when you made your mistake, you were not trying to make a mistake. You were trying to meet your needs in some way. Accidents, misunderstandings, and miscalculations happen. In either case, you’ll do as much harm to your relationship if you guilt yourself as you would for blaming the other person for the damage.

So, how do you say sorry without guilt? Research shows us that learning is best in a safe, calm, and familiar environment. Guilt and blame are neither calm nor safe. The optimal state for learning and growth is created when you combine the natural creative energy of the needs you were trying to meet, with your focus and accountability. If the conflict is too painful for you to connect with the energy of your needs or the needs of others, consider the help of a life coach, counselor, or empathetic friend to help you listen, and connect with your needs when you can’t.

What Helps When You Make Mistakes?

Admitting you’ve made a mistake is part of building a trusting relationship with yourself and others. By accepting that you did something that did not achieve the goals you were trying to meet, you’re reassuring yourself and others that you can take responsibility for your actions and the consequences that follow. Your powerful feelings of remorse and frustration are your body’s signals that you want to meet your needs in better ways.

“We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better.” Maya Angelou

Give yourself an opportunity to make amends!

Here are some simple steps you can take as soon as you realize you’ve made a mistake:

1. Accept what happened. Take responsibility for it. Taking ownership of the situation rather than trying to cover it up will restore trust in yourself and others. Every consequence is feedback about what works and what doesn’t.

2. Discuss it. Invite other people involved to talk about what happened, what you had in mind, why your strategy didn’t work, and offer a suggestion of how you might correct it.

3. Listen to the feelings and needs of others. How do they feel about what happened? What do they need? What would they like to do about it? Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?

4. Sincerely acknowledge other’s feelings and needs. Say sorry if that helps. What does the other person need from you to restore trust?

5. Do what you can to restore goodwill together. Work with the other person to decide on the best way for you to make amends.

6. What did you learn? Tell yourself and the other person how you’ll act differently. Focus on the positive, creative energy of the needs you were trying to meet. Focus on what you want to do now rather than what you want to avoid.

7. Don’t dwell on the mistake. Keep focused on what you learned and how you’ll do things differently. If goodwill has been restored, move on and stay present and compassionate with yourself. Remember, that your relationship may need time and reassurance to build the trust that you once had.

It’s never easy admitting mistakes. Our painful feelings of remorse and sadness are calling us back to our integrity. Our heart calls us to restore the connection and trust with others when something we’ve done has contributed to harm. Sometimes all you want to do is run away rather than admit mistakes. However, taking responsibility for ourselves is part of learning, growing, and experiencing emotional freedom that encourages people to trust and respect you.

“A man should never be ashamed to own that he is wrong, which is but saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.” Alexander Pope

FREE Teleclass: 8 pm Eastern, Monday, April 6, 2009.
How to Say You’re Sorry: Dispel the myths and taboos about making mistakes

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Self-Care versus Self-Sacrifice

Saturday, March 7th, 2009 | Self-Care, connection | No Comments

Self-care is the opposite of self-sabotage, self-control, and self-sacrifice. To successfully take care of yourself, begin a self-care plan based on your values and personal needs. It’s through determination and focus that you’re going to be able to properly care for your very being.

Self-care isn’t just about brushing your teeth or getting food on the table. Self-care is caring for your inner self, your needs, and your very being.

What patterns are we creating when we do not attend to what is important to us? What beliefs are we reinforcing when we justify self-sacrifice?

Why is self-care so important?
I believe that when we take care of ourselves, we are better able to care for our families and others. Here’s my example.

I was in the shower the other day when my youngest daughter came in to use the toilet. I was enjoying the quiet alone time when she asked me some questions. I started to feel tense and worried my solitude was in jeopardy. I answered her questions anyway. Alas, as I continued to talk, I continued to sabotage my own needs for self-care. I did what many parents do…I raised my voice and told my daughter to be quiet or leave.

When I think about this now I would do it differently. In fact, I have done it differently since I’ve written this…and we’ll talk about that later.

As my daughter came into the room, I could have calmly invited her to come in quietly. Once I had her agreement, it would have been fairly easy to remind us of that if she chose to talk. If she didn’t agree to be quiet, I could have calmly fielded her questions and then request that she leave. Instead, I didn’t have the confidence to stand up for myself right from the beginning. I justified my self-sacrifice and jeopardized connection with my daughter.

All was not lost. My feelings of remorse and sadness called me back to my needs for self-care and connection. Afterwards, I sat down with my daughter and I shared how sad I felt about what happened. I heard how scared and confused she felt. After we understood each other, we talked about how important it is to ask for what we need, we laughed, and we hugged. I’m glad I can do that within minutes after raising my voice. However, I long to live with more integrity and peace. That’s why a self-care plan is so important to me.

Tracking Self-Care

A good self-care plan reminds you of what is important to you. After all, you have values, goals, and a purpose in your life. This plan reminds you about what you need to do to take care of you. Using a day planner or journal can remind you of your values and help you to decide what to do to take care of your body, mind, and soul.

Tracking your self-care gives you a solid foundation and understanding of your core values, helps you decide what to do, and helps you measure your success.

So, where do you start? For starters, try food for the brain. Begin to support self-care beliefs by giving yourself inspirational quotes and affirmations. This is the spiritual fuel that keeps you focused on your own personal well being. Not only do you want reminders of what to do, but you also want little pieces of inspiration around you to remind you of why you’re doing it. In addition to inspirational quotes, surround yourself with motivating pictures and beautiful, uplifting music throughout your home and office. Let this art stir your tranquility and wildest dreams. Your pictures, music, and affirmations may remind you of your dreams and what you want to create in your life or remind you of what’s important to you, like your family.

A helpful self-care plan inspires you and reminds you of why you want to take care of your body, mind, and spirit.

Tracking your progress is important. Let’s say you have a hard time getting motivated to exercise. By keeping a log of your rest, nutrition, and exercise time, you can keep yourself focused on achieving a healthier you.

In addition, use a journal to record your mental and emotional wellbeing. These four simple steps will help you to understand your feelings, needs, and take care of your self.
1. Use your five senses and observe what is going on around you and what you are thinking—write down what you see and hear and acknowledge any judgments you have about the situation.
2. Feelings—connect with how you feel.
3. Needs—what’s important about this situation for you?
4. Requests—what’s the best way you know of to meet your needs? Make specific, achievable goals or ask someone for specific, do-able help to meet your needs.

After you do something to meet your needs, evaluate whether it worked or not. If so, celebrate. If not, what could you do differently?

Your self-care plan tracks your progress to help you stay on track toward your goals.

You can use these planning tools to accomplish anything in your life. Taking care of yourself inside and out helps you to take care of your family and others. Start with yourself first!

Creating a Personal Self-Care Plan

How would you motivate yourself to initiate your self-care plan? Beginning any new task may be daunting or exciting. You’ll want to be sure you can sustain your motivation to keep you on track.

Think of a time you were successful in the past. What helped you achieve success? What motivated you in the past? Use this as your guide now to take care of yourself.

Some people find it helpful to have a family member, friend, spouse, or life coach hold them accountable. All you need to do is tell them about your goals and review them every one to two weeks. If you slip up in your efforts, they can let you know or offer a listening ear so you can renew your focus and get back on course.

Some sort of structure and accountability makes self-care successful and easy. We want to make this as easy as possible! Taking care of yourself is an important part of being there for your family…so you’re not yelling at the kids because you didn’t take of yourself. A realistic and achievable self-care plan will provide you with the vigor, attitude, and energy to enjoy life to its fullest!

Relationship Challenge - Transforming Criticism into Compassion

Monday, February 23rd, 2009 | couples | No Comments

“Anyone  who  has  never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” Albert Einstein

 

“The  curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I can change.” Carl Rogers

“Letting go of our suffering is the hardest work we will ever do. It is also the most fruitful. To heal means to meet ourselves in a new way — in the newness of each moment where all is possible and nothing is limited to
the old.” Stephen Levine
 

“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.” - Denis Waitley