Compassion In Action

Back to School

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009 | Family Life, attachment, connection, separation and parenting | No Comments

I love September. Fall is my favourite time of year. Even with a hot sun, the air feels crisp. This is a time for fresh starts and new beginnings.

It’s also a time when families are busy. Kids start school and sign up for extracurricular activities. Days often begin with rushing out the door and end with a flurry of activity and homework. When our schedules are full, this is the time for more play, conversations, and connection to help integrate learning and stay focused on what’s important to us…our relationships with each other. Otherwise, we feel overwhelmed and stressed. More stress means less learning and more conflict.

“Now Stop!” Max said and sent the wild things off to bed without their supper. And Max the king of all wild things was lonely and wanted to be where someone loved him best of all.” Maurice Sendak, Where the Wild Things Are

When our children have been with school friends all day, families need to re-connect. In order for parents to have influence, to matter, we need to attract our kids’ attention. There’s no right or wrong way to gain rapport. It’s a matter of getting into each other’s spaces in a friendly way. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté, in Hold onto Your Kids, write,

“Attachment rituals, fuelled by this collecting instinct, exist in many cultures. The most common is the greeting. When fully consummated, a greeting should collect the eyes, a smile and a nod.” Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté

“Waking up” and “after school” are two significant times to re-connect with each other. Both occur after times of separation. Mind you, you don’t want to come off sounding like a pushy salesperson. Instead, gauge your greeting and attention grabbing by the reaction you get from your child. You already know when you’re engaged with your child. You’ve seen it in his body posture, facial expression, eyes, and mannerisms. You’ve felt it in your body. There are often feelings of softness, calm, or happy excitement. There’s mutual sharing and curiosity.

Feel free to have fun and experiment with gathering each others’ attention after times of separation. Notice the rapport you have with your children. It began with eye gazing when your kids were babies and it’s a little like a courting dance in which lovers engage. As we get older, some of us still enjoy eye gazing, while others like to hang out together talking, playing, holding hands, or hugging. One of my favourite ways to collect our younger children is to offer a ride on my back. For my older children, we talk about something exciting for them. I take care to match the intensity of my feelings with my child to meet him where he’s at.

All too often our children want to vent after being separated from us all day. Although it’s not easy being a sounding board, being heard is exactly what our child needs after separation. Being witnessed just as we are is a core need. After a quick greeting, you may want to prepare yourself to hear a mouthful of complaints so your child can naturally move towards resolution after being understood. When our children are securely attached to us, they expect us to refill them. Refilling ourselves to be there for our kids is key…but that’s another blog.

“Filling and refilling the child’s cup is the basis of heartfelt parent-child connections. It isn’t something that happens once, but over and over again, in countless mini-interactions over a span of years.” Lawrence J. Cohen, Playful Parenting

How do you refill your child’s cup and re-connect after separation?

Share your top 3 suggestions for connection here.

When do you know when it’s time to leave?

Saturday, January 24th, 2009 | separation and parenting | No Comments

My partner has resisted many of the new ideas of relating and parenting that I bring into our family, criticised them and seems unable to listen to how I feel about it. I’m aware that I haven’t listened or empathised with him as much as he needs it, and I’ve given it all I’ve got. I’m not willing to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t willing to meet my need for respect around my core beliefs. We seem to have different beliefs and values since having our son. Do you believe you can work it out with anyone, and that all conflict is an opportunity for further healing?

My Response
Separation is a big change to make. It can stimulate needs for mourning relationships and celebrating new possibilities. Whenever we make a change in our lives, it creates tension or stress. We all strive to maintain equilibrium while changing and growing. So, we generally make changes when the potential benefits of that change outweigh the cost of staying where we are. We often don’t fully know how our choices will affect us until we decide and act.

Give yourself time and space to connect with your feelings and needs so that your choices come from that place rather than what you think you should do. Have compassion for yourself while you consider all the interests and needs of your family. Please remind yourself that it’s okay to make “mistakes” and choose new ways to meet your needs. Research suggests that there are other details to consider: financial organization and awareness (ie., establishing credit, taking stock of your assets, and having a savings), have a network of support for your physical and emotional needs, and consider the best interests of the child(ren) involved (ie., consistent care, stability, supporting loving relationships with both parents).

Living in two different houses is one of many strategies to meet our needs. Are there others?

Unless you decide never to see each other again and you amicably agree to give one parent sole custody, you’re going to be parenting with each other regardless of where you live.
So, it’s up to you how you want to create your relationship at this point.
What needs of yours would be met by staying together?
What needs of yours would be met by living apart?
Is separation the best strategy to meet your needs for respect around core beliefs?
What would best support your son’s needs around stability, attachment, learning, and communication?

I’m hearing this is not an easy decision for you. There are many values and interests to consider.

You mentioned that you’re not willing to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t willing to meet needs for respecting core beliefs. How do you know this to be true? How could he show you that he was willing?

Core beliefs are tender spots for us. We feel passionate and protective of our core beliefs. Many of us hope our partner shares similar beliefs because it meets needs for mutuality and being able to work together easily. When we have children, old beliefs get stirred up. Before then, it’s theory. Parenting is where the rubber meets the road.

Our beliefs motivate our choices and opinions. Some couples have different beliefs from the start. Some are not aware of these differences until becoming parents. Some parents hold different beliefs and provide stability and consistent parenting care. How can we respect our different beliefs in our own family?

Given that everything we do is a way to meet our needs, what needs would your husband have by “resisting new ideas”. Does he have ideas to share? Are there needs for meaningful contribution, understanding, acceptance, or appreciation? When I mention meaningful contribution, I’m referring to our need to share our leadership and personal wisdom with our offspring like other mammals do. We all want to be seen as part of the solution rather than being the problem.

Have you both been passionately trying to share your parenting views with frustration because your needs for understanding and respect have not been met?
Are you both needing trust that you can work things out and have different opinions?
How is your partner seeing the relationship? Would you be willing to check this out with him?

Imagine this. If your son had different beliefs from yours, what would you suggest he do? How would you respond?

We always have choice.
We can agree to disagree on particular strategies to meet our needs.
We can engage our curiosity.

Here’s one example of engaging our curiosity in a general situation to give you some idea of what I mean.
“After you expressed your anger just now, I feel baffled. I understand that your anger means something is very important to you. I want to connect with your needs and I couldn’t just then.”  Take a guess about his needs if you’re able to or ask “Are you able to talk to me about what’s important about what I just said or did?”

Many times we try to empathize with others in order to get them to understand our point of view. Unfortunately, this rarely works. When our focus in on making others understand us, we are unable to fully hear them because our focus is ultimately on making them hear us. In my experience, deep listening can open the door for more tears, anger, or unresolved tension between loved ones. Empathy and validation offers a safe invitation to share our deeper feelings and needs. Sometimes empathy brings a quick resolution if the situation is the only one involved.
When empathy stimulates a deeper connection and emotional release, I would suggest to listen closely because more needs to be said and understood before resolution can happen. Unfortunately, when a relationship gets to the point you describe, it is challenging for partners to feel calm enough to hear each other fully. If you’re both feeling exhausted and overwhelmed at the thought of that, how could you meet your needs for support, empathy, and rest so that your heart can open up with curiosity again?

In my experience, only when we seek to understand ourselves and others, does it invite others to understand us.

I imagine that this may be frustrating to hear. I’m hearing feelings of exhaustion and overwhelm and needs for acknowledgment and appreciation for how hard you’ve tried to work this out. May I suggest that you’ve either been trying to empathize when your heart has not been in it or you both need an objective person to listen more deeply (ie., life coach or family therapist).

This reminds me of a client’s story. Elle is not her real name.
Elle’s husband told her one day that he was ready to separate. They had tried that about a year ago and Elle felt hopeless and overwhelmed because she couldn’t figure out why they were at the same place again. Talking about cooperation and respect with her husband and her children was a struggle. We discovered that she was passionate about specific communication strategies and ways to support the kids. She was intolerant of her husband’s choices. She was also afraid of making a mistake. After deep empathy and being heard, Elle was able to practice a dialogue she wanted to have with her husband. Elle was able to value all their needs and look at ways to meet those needs with cooperation and respect for everyone in the family. Her and her husband are working things out and the kids are pitching in more often around the house.

I do believe we can find mutually satisfying ways to value all our needs, whether it’s agreeing to disagree or doing something together to solve a problem.
Diversity can strengthen our confidence in our choices and help us to consider new ideas. This can lead to understanding, healing, and connection.

There is so much more I could add but I’m going to stop there for now. I’m hoping that others will send me comments and questions to this post.