Nonviolent Communication
What is your objective?
Monday, August 31st, 2009 | Nonviolent Communication, connection, listening, understanding | No Comments
I remember the year I felt eager to try out some new communication skills I was learning. I trusted they would help lessen confusion and help me to get more of what I wanted out of my relationships.
When I spoke to one person I knew for many years, I was confused because my new skills seemed to help to end that relationship. I thought I was trying to resolve a conflict. I believed these skills didn’t work or I didn’t do them right. So I tried again around the same time when I spoke to my dying mother. These new skills helped us to deepen our connection and mutual understanding. We experienced unconditional love and it felt wonderful! Yet another time, I felt confused again when I tried to speak to my husband using the communication formula that I had just learned. He nearly had a fit and wondered what kind of therapy I was trying to pull over on him.
Same strategy and three different results…hmmm… Why?
I believe the difference was in my objectives, what I was aiming for at the time I chose to speak. For each relationship and each communication, I intended different things. At the same time, I put more faith in the strategies rather than in myself.
In the first example, I felt frustrated and ambiguous to change the situation. Concerned by my mother’s well-being and focused on spending more time with her before she died, my intention was on nurturing that relationship. In my heart, my care was elsewhere. It was not on the conflict with the other person. I just wanted the fighting to stop. In one way, it did.
In the second example with my mother, I wanted to deeply connect with her. Despite my clumsy interpretation of what I was learning at the time, love and understanding poured from my heart. My focus, and the results, were congruent again.
In the last example where I tried a new communication format with my husband, my intention was on the technique. I forgot about the dialogue, and I forgot to trust myself. No wonder he wanted the “real” me! I learned then (and I remind myself as often as I can) that authenticity, understanding, and my focus are more important than trying to “get it right”. As long as I have the objective to understand…to be curious rather than be right…then the words and actions I choose will likely lead me in that direction. The intention I have in my heart will likely lead me to where I want to go.
This is your coaching assignment for this week if you choose to accept it: Think of a challenge you have right now. Check in with yourself and your heart. Express yourself truthfully while respecting others’ needs to do the same. Seek to understand rather than being right.
“Communication works for those who work at it.” John Powell
“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.” Carl Jung
Shared Power, Deep Shifts and Restorative Circles for Families- Part 2
Friday, July 31st, 2009 | Dominic Barter, Family Life, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, anger management, conflict exploration | No Comments
Who doesn’t want parenting to be easier? But what does that mean given intense emotional reactions that spring up seemingly out of the blue and the challenges of everyday family life? Is it even possible for children and adults to share power while we are leaders in our families?
Well, I found out that we can be equally powerful one morning in June. I saw my 2 1/2 year old son carrying my eye glasses and a fork in one hand. I felt livid imagining not being able to use my glasses again and noticed I blamed my son. I stood in the kitchen, witnessed my anger inside, while my oldest children (7 and 10 years) looked at me. Suddenly, I had the idea to request a Restorative Circle (RC). I could see that my ability to hear was diminished by my emotional intensity. That meant that I would need some help being heard. I made this request of my oldest children. To my surprise, both children said “yes”. My 10 year old daughter turned to me and asked, “So, how do we do that?” I said, “Just do what you’ve seen me do over the last couple of days.” I thought, “Not a do-able request, I know…but it was the best I could come up with at the time.” To my surprise again, she replied confidently, “okay.”
My two children eagerly co-facilitated a circle. It looked rather fun for them even though I was still feeling uncomfortable. It wasn’t for long. My young children empathized with my feelings, understanding my needs for order and ease. They also gave me space to share how I also saw my son’s needs for fun and my love for him. Holding emotional space for me and him was the challenge for me. Once I received this gift of empathy, I re-connected with my littlest who was cowering in fear. I’m sure it was in reaction to the look of rage on my face earlier when I saw him do what he did. After the circle, hearing how I was, and what my son was likely looking for when he was carrying my glasses and the fork in one hand, we hugged and kissed. Total time: about 10 minutes.
Some days we are unable to do spontaneous circles. Any one of us may be too tired or focused on other things. My family seems to generally trust our needs are important. Even though we can’t always listen in the way that we would like and take a break to regain calm again, we mostly trust that we can work things out together. When we forget, there seems to be someone else, at some point, helping us to remember. I am so grateful for that!
One day, the kids and I were heading out the door when conflict happened. Unable to focus our attention on a circle, my older son grabbed a pen, paper, and wrote his name to request a circle later. He seemed relieved to write this note. Then, he turned to his younger brother with whom he just had the conflict and figured out a way to move forward (i.e., to get out the door). I read the note next morning when I was able to facilitate a circle. When I asked my son about it, he said there was no conflict. He threw out the note.
I trust myself and my kids to value and know how to meet our needs even if we haven’t got a clue in any given moment. Those moments of uncertainty are tough and uncomfortable. I’m learning everyday to feel more comfortable with my discomfort and seeing these feelings in a restorative way.
I’m wondering if you’re wondering, “How this is possible?” If you’re experiencing intense conflict or exhaustion, this experience can seem too unreal to imagine. I advise you to get the rest and help you need before trying this on your own. Sharing power with my kids means that I feel vulnerable to change. I don’t have all the answers. I bring my curiosity and care. I’m often raw and unsure. This is so rich for me as long as I see it as an adventure. As long as I do, I feel powerful, confident, and can acknowledge my children’s power and choice. When I don’t, I get help just like anyone else.
Restorative Circles made my parenting easier because the questions and structure developed by Dominic Barter were easy enough for my eldest children to learn from a couple of 10 minute discussions and watching me over 2 days. We still need lots of practice. I notice more ease to understand myself and my family. I’m not getting stuck on communicating in the “right way” as much as I used to. Instead, checking for the meaning underlying what we do and say has become easier. Rather than trying to fix a situation, even if it’s mine, I know I can witness what’s going on for me, be gentle with myself, ask for help, and trust that all is well. Pain is important and, I dare say necessary, for learning.
I am grateful for my experiences with Restorative Circles, Dominic Barter and his team for the inspiration I have about shared power, family relationships, and communication. For more information about Restorative Circles being developed by Dominic Barter, please contact him at contact@restorativecircles.org or www.twitter.com/restoracircles. To learn more about Nonviolent Communication and how to value and communicate all our needs, please visit www.cnvc.org.