connection
Back to School
Wednesday, September 16th, 2009 | Family Life, attachment, connection, separation and parenting | No Comments
I love September. Fall is my favourite time of year. Even with a hot sun, the air feels crisp. This is a time for fresh starts and new beginnings.
It’s also a time when families are busy. Kids start school and sign up for extracurricular activities. Days often begin with rushing out the door and end with a flurry of activity and homework. When our schedules are full, this is the time for more play, conversations, and connection to help integrate learning and stay focused on what’s important to us…our relationships with each other. Otherwise, we feel overwhelmed and stressed. More stress means less learning and more conflict.
“Now Stop!” Max said and sent the wild things off to bed without their supper. And Max the king of all wild things was lonely and wanted to be where someone loved him best of all.” Maurice Sendak, Where the Wild Things Are
When our children have been with school friends all day, families need to re-connect. In order for parents to have influence, to matter, we need to attract our kids’ attention. There’s no right or wrong way to gain rapport. It’s a matter of getting into each other’s spaces in a friendly way. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté, in Hold onto Your Kids, write,
“Attachment rituals, fuelled by this collecting instinct, exist in many cultures. The most common is the greeting. When fully consummated, a greeting should collect the eyes, a smile and a nod.” Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté
“Waking up” and “after school” are two significant times to re-connect with each other. Both occur after times of separation. Mind you, you don’t want to come off sounding like a pushy salesperson. Instead, gauge your greeting and attention grabbing by the reaction you get from your child. You already know when you’re engaged with your child. You’ve seen it in his body posture, facial expression, eyes, and mannerisms. You’ve felt it in your body. There are often feelings of softness, calm, or happy excitement. There’s mutual sharing and curiosity.
Feel free to have fun and experiment with gathering each others’ attention after times of separation. Notice the rapport you have with your children. It began with eye gazing when your kids were babies and it’s a little like a courting dance in which lovers engage. As we get older, some of us still enjoy eye gazing, while others like to hang out together talking, playing, holding hands, or hugging. One of my favourite ways to collect our younger children is to offer a ride on my back. For my older children, we talk about something exciting for them. I take care to match the intensity of my feelings with my child to meet him where he’s at.
All too often our children want to vent after being separated from us all day. Although it’s not easy being a sounding board, being heard is exactly what our child needs after separation. Being witnessed just as we are is a core need. After a quick greeting, you may want to prepare yourself to hear a mouthful of complaints so your child can naturally move towards resolution after being understood. When our children are securely attached to us, they expect us to refill them. Refilling ourselves to be there for our kids is key…but that’s another blog.
“Filling and refilling the child’s cup is the basis of heartfelt parent-child connections. It isn’t something that happens once, but over and over again, in countless mini-interactions over a span of years.” Lawrence J. Cohen, Playful Parenting
How do you refill your child’s cup and re-connect after separation?
Share your top 3 suggestions for connection here.
What is your objective?
Monday, August 31st, 2009 | Nonviolent Communication, connection, listening, understanding | No Comments
I remember the year I felt eager to try out some new communication skills I was learning. I trusted they would help lessen confusion and help me to get more of what I wanted out of my relationships.
When I spoke to one person I knew for many years, I was confused because my new skills seemed to help to end that relationship. I thought I was trying to resolve a conflict. I believed these skills didn’t work or I didn’t do them right. So I tried again around the same time when I spoke to my dying mother. These new skills helped us to deepen our connection and mutual understanding. We experienced unconditional love and it felt wonderful! Yet another time, I felt confused again when I tried to speak to my husband using the communication formula that I had just learned. He nearly had a fit and wondered what kind of therapy I was trying to pull over on him.
Same strategy and three different results…hmmm… Why?
I believe the difference was in my objectives, what I was aiming for at the time I chose to speak. For each relationship and each communication, I intended different things. At the same time, I put more faith in the strategies rather than in myself.
In the first example, I felt frustrated and ambiguous to change the situation. Concerned by my mother’s well-being and focused on spending more time with her before she died, my intention was on nurturing that relationship. In my heart, my care was elsewhere. It was not on the conflict with the other person. I just wanted the fighting to stop. In one way, it did.
In the second example with my mother, I wanted to deeply connect with her. Despite my clumsy interpretation of what I was learning at the time, love and understanding poured from my heart. My focus, and the results, were congruent again.
In the last example where I tried a new communication format with my husband, my intention was on the technique. I forgot about the dialogue, and I forgot to trust myself. No wonder he wanted the “real” me! I learned then (and I remind myself as often as I can) that authenticity, understanding, and my focus are more important than trying to “get it right”. As long as I have the objective to understand…to be curious rather than be right…then the words and actions I choose will likely lead me in that direction. The intention I have in my heart will likely lead me to where I want to go.
This is your coaching assignment for this week if you choose to accept it: Think of a challenge you have right now. Check in with yourself and your heart. Express yourself truthfully while respecting others’ needs to do the same. Seek to understand rather than being right.
“Communication works for those who work at it.” John Powell
“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.” Carl Jung
Getting the kids to listen
Sunday, August 16th, 2009 | connection, listening | No Comments
How do I get my children to want to communicate or to listen to basic requests?
Thank you Felicia P for asking the question that many of us ask. I appreciate writing articles that are relevant and practical. I hope that this article is that for you.
I’m trying a new article format…the short and the long to meet needs for choice and engagement. What do you think? I love feedback or dialogue about this or any other article. Email me (wendy (at) compassionatesolutions.ca) anytime. Feel free to share this with your friends and family who may enjoy it too.
For those of us who have about 2 minutes, here’s a quick tip:
Notice what your child is doing. Is she focused on a particular project or a phone call? Is he deep in thought? Communication is a little like merging into highway traffic. Look ahead, match your speed with the traffic speed, find a place to fit in, and then join the line of cars when the timing is right. Rushing into a child’s room expecting her to pay attention to you is like leaping from the on-ramp into oncoming traffic. It’s an accident waiting to happen. Are you trying to speak without the other’s full attention?
When lovers court each other, they slow down and gaze into each other’s eyes. When a new baby is born, parents gaze into her eyes. When rapport is good, people begin to mirror each other’s actions. 90-95% of what we communicate is nonverbal. I suggest that you begin there. When you don’t know what to say, stay present in silence. Merge with your child. Find out what he’s interested in that moment. When he’s had your attention, then you can ask for his. Even if your child wants to do something else, you’ll likely be able to better understand that intention rather than thinking that he’s ignoring requests or doesn’t communicate. If you need to interrupt, say so. Treat your child as you would like to be treated. For example: “Excuse me, can I get your attention, I have a request to make?” Then, ask for what you want while linking it to your needs you want to meet. For example, you might say, “Take out the trash, please.” and it may be heard. Requests are better understood when prefaced with a clear need. Try something like “Remember when we agreed that you’d take out the trash after dinner while I did the dishes? Could you do what we agreed on today?”
“Instead of talking in the hope that people will listen, try listening in the hope that people will talk.” Dr. Mardy Grothe
“We can’t change children’s behaviour by educating them. The only way to change your child’s behaviour is to change your own behaviour.” Deepak Chopra
“Don’t fill the air with a lot of words. Rather, create a flow in which the other person can tell you what they need to know.” Marshall Rosenberg
For the rest of us with about 10-20 minutes, here are some steps to follow:
For all of us reading this article, take a moment right now to notice what is happening in your body when you ask the question “How do I get my children to want to communicate or to listen to basic requests?” Are you feeling curious and excited about engaging with your kids? If you are, enjoy that time to connect to feelings and needs. Otherwise, read on.
Are you feeling dread and hesitancy because you need reassurance that connection and consideration are possible? If you are, follow the steps below.
Step 1: Notice any resistance in your body and breathe in the air around you deeply. Notice any other thoughts you might have about this situation. In other words, notice what you are reacting to inside and out. What is your child doing that is stimulating the feeling you’re feeling now? For now, assume your child has the best of intentions and is doing his or her best to meet their needs. Breathe. Notice what is happening in your body so that you can condition yourself to respond in a way that you enjoy when you experience that sensation again.
If you notice you want to make your child do something, your thoughts may sound like, “he’s so disrespectful”, “why isn’t she looking at me right now?” or “he needs to learn how to follow instructions!”
Step 2: Now, imagine hearing those thought said about you. Put yourself in your child’s shoes. How does your body feel now? Breathe. Accept your thoughts and feelings. Allow them to wash through you and change you. Inside those thoughts and feelings is a gift. Life inside of you is speaking in the best way it knows how. You are informing yourself about what to do next. What you choose next will answer your question for you. Breathe.
Step 3: What is important to you right now? What do you need? From your question, I guess that you want understanding and attention. I’m also guessing there’s a need for trust or reassurance that valuing and meeting those needs are possible. Is that so?
If trust is important, stay with that. In this moment, is it possible for you to believe in listening and understanding even without knowing how to do that right now? Begin to disengage that need from what your child is doing. Are you able to imagine the experience of mutual consideration? If so, stay with that feeling as long as possible. If not, what will it take for you to imagine it? Before you can request something to meet your needs, you need to believe it’s possible. Otherwise, others will experience your ambivalence and give you exactly what you ARE asking for…to not be heard.
I trust you already know how to engage in conversation and listen. You’ve likely had many experiences of doing this many times in your life. Use your imagination to connect with that. The challenge is that your thoughts are telling you that your child should do something. Instead, ask yourself what would make it easier in that moment to understand and be understood?
Step 4: See what your child is doing. Is she focused on a particular project or a phone call? Is he deep in thought? Communication is a little like merging into highway traffic. Look ahead, match your speed with the traffic speed, find a place to fit in, and then join the line of cars when the timing is right. Rushing into a child’s room expecting her to pay attention to you is like leaping from the on-ramp into oncoming traffic. It’s an accident waiting to happen.
When lovers court each other, they slow down and gaze into each other’s eyes. When a new baby is born, parents gaze into her eyes. When rapport is good, people begin to mirror each other’s actions. 90-95% of what we communicate is nonverbal. I suggest that you begin there. When you don’t know what to say, stay present in silence. Merge with your child. Find out of what he’s interested in that moment. When he’s had your attention, then you can ask for his. Many people mention they feel softer when they do this. Even if your child wants to do something else, you’ll likely be able to better understand that intention rather than thinking that he’s ignoring requests or doesn’t communicate.
Sometimes I ask myself, “why do I have to (always) be the one to listen to others first?” Does that happen to you too? The words “always” and “listen” are dead giveaways here. “Always” alerts me that my emotional intensity is so high that my ability to listen is compromised. When we’re excited in any way (e.g., angry or elated), then our attention is on what we’re excited about. “Listen” is my red flag that I need to be heard. Can I journal, take a breath, connect with my own feelings and needs, or call up a friend who can listen to me? Can my kids hear me first? Katy Dawson, a teacher in California, once taught me a phrase that buys me time when I want to listen to another person and I need to get into that space. If you notice your child is feeling grumpy, you want to know more, and don’t know what to say ask, try “Are you feeling frustrated because it didn’t work out the way you wanted?”
For many people just starting to parent compassionately, doing this in the moment is challenging, if not downright impossible. So, choose a quiet moment to look at a conflict that you’re still feeling charged about. Play it again in your mind and on paper using the steps listed above. Continue to practice in this way even after you sharpen your skills. If you’re like me and felt resistant to writing things down, I urge you to keep journaling or record yourself somehow. Our habitual thoughts will prevail if we don’t slow them down long enough to look at them consciously. Try it and see. If you’re still having difficulty remembering what it’s like to be heard, to understand, or have experienced trauma, please consider calling up a coach or therapist. I offer 1 free hour of coaching for new clients. You’ll get a chance to be heard and move forward on some aspect of your relationships.
When Empathy might not be the most Life-Serving Response
Monday, June 15th, 2009 | connection | No Comments
by NVC Trainer Jeff Brown from Columbus, Ohio.
(reprinted with permission)
Empathy is such a precious quality, that it almost always enriches life for both the giver and the receiver. There are a few situations, however, where being empathic might not be the most optimal choice.
As an attempt to preserve the beauty of empathy, I offer a few examples where I believe an alternate response will usually serve us better:
SITUATION: You feel resentful or irritated when you imagine offering your empathic presence to another.
ALTERNATE RESPONSE: Remind yourself that the only way that empathy connects is when the listener is acting out of the joy of giving, and is meeting his or her own needs by offering the empathic presence. In other words, empathy is not a commodity that we “dole out,” but rather a compassionate embrace of the other that enriches our life.
SITUATION: You are too upset or triggered in that moment to genuinely offer your empathic presence.
ALTERNATE RESPONSE: Take a time out. Take a deep breath. Shine the light of empathy on yourself (”self-empathy”). Connect with your own feelings, needs and requests, and/or ask another person (not the person who triggered you) you trust to listen to you with empathy.
SITUATION: When you want to share your own truth with the person.
ALTERNATE RESPONSE: Express yourself honestly to them. This sometimes involves “Screaming Compassionately,” as in, “I am overwhelmed and needing to take care of myself, and I am not able to hear you right now! Can we talk again after dinner?”
SITUATION: The other person has a need that is more alive than empathy, such as information, clarity or honesty.
ALTERNATE RESPONSE: Tune in to the person’s present-moment need(s), and respond accordingly. rather than defaulting to or assuming that empathy is always the primary need. It can be extremely irritating to receive empathy - particularly the verbal reflection of feelings and needs - when another need is alive.
SITUATION: You fear for your physical safety or security.
ALTERNATE RESPONSE: Get out of there immediately and go to a safe place.
SITUATION: A person is behaving in a physically violent manner, and you believe there is imminent danger to yourself, others, or to the person him or herself.
ALTERNATE RESPONSE: Protective use of Force. In an emergency situation, if you are able to, use force to stop the person from causing harm. Once the person is restrained and safety is restored, be prepared to empathically connect with the person.
________________________________________
Jeff Brown lives in Columbus, Ohio and has been a Certified NVC Trainer since 2005. Jeff has led NVC trainings in 17 states and 4 countries, and was recently hired as the Executive Director of Compassionate Communication of Central Ohio: www.nvcohio.org
Contact Jeff Brown, Executive Director, Compassionate Communication of Central Ohio [www.nvcohio.org] Columbus, Ohio, USA Certified Trainer, Center for Nonviolent Communication [www.cnvc.org] 614-432-8830 home/work ~ 812-320-3842 cell www.heartfeltcommunication.com
Overcoming the Challenges of Connection in Family Relationships
Monday, June 15th, 2009 | Family Life, anger management, conflict exploration, connection | No Comments
I’ve got a few more boxes to sort after putting all the summer clothes into kids’ drawers. Phew! I’m taking a break this week to learn how to make a movie. Next week, I’m learning more about Restorative Circles with Dominic Barter in Toronto, Ontario (contact (at) restorativecircles.org). In the midst of this, my littlest talks over everyone most of the time. Meaningful conversation and connection is a real challenge these days! Gotta love toddlers.
I read somewhere that our families push our buttons because they put them there. Family relationships provide the best catalyst for personal growth because all our beliefs, attachments, feelings, needs, strengths, and limitations will be challenged.
“Human relationships are the perfect tool for sanding away our rough edges and getting at the core of divinity within us.” Eknath Easwaran
Sometimes we’re afraid to connect with our kids or spouse because they may say something that triggers our guilt, sadness, or pain. Other times when we genuinely seek to connect, the other person perceives it as interrogation or therapy. Perhaps we dread having a difficult conversation because “it always ends up the same way”. This can be especially true for parents seeking divorce, enduring a stressful or transitional time, grieving from the death of a loved on, or becoming a parent after a significant painful event. Some of us worry that we’re “bad parents” or we don’t want to cause our children pain. Is it a fear, “maybe I won’t measure up to the latest parenting advice”? Is it a fear of not being able to be heard or effectively advocate for ourselves. Limiting beliefs can lead us to feel sensitive and want to defend ourselves.
Here are 10 tips to Overcome the Challenges of Connection in Family Relationships. This list is definitely not exhaustive. Continue to add to it by examining all the conditions that support connection so that you can do more of that every day.
1. No one is perfect. Even the best parents, spouses, and communicators make mistakes. We all make mistakes even when we’re doing our best.
2. You’ve already had so much success in your life. Begin to notice all the ways that you meet your needs. Look at what you’ve managed to accomplish so far! Whatever comes along, you can find the resources you need to solve any problem and manage any feeling.
3. Sometimes all we need is to grieve a loss (e.g., separation, death, disappointment) with someone there to listen to us. That’s all.
4. Whatever anyone says, don’t take it personally. Criticism is the expression of unmet needs and painful feelings. What we feel is our response to the world. The world doesn’t cause our pain. There are as many sides to a story as there are people perceiving the event.
If you offer empathy and your spouse says (as mine did), “Don’t talk to me that way!” then perhaps he’s looking for reassurance of authentic connection and trust. Hear the needs, not the criticism and you’ll likely get the connection you’re looking for.
5. Many of us feel overwhelmed by painful feelings and want to make them go away. Feelings are our bodies way of informing us of our needs. The best way to meet our needs is to welcome and listen to our feelings without judgment.
When you still find this difficult, seek the help of someone who is willing to witness and listen.
6. Family life means change. Change involves grief. Grief involves feeling and integrating. Give yourself time to integrate new circumstances.
7. Listen to your children even when what they say is hard to hear. Learn to feel comfortable living outside your comfort zone for awhile until you understand what’s at the heart of the matter. The initial discomfort will pass as you understand and integrate new information.
8. Talk about things that are troubling you even when you feel uncomfortable. Most things left unspoken and hidden will cause conflict at some point.
9. Don’t criticize your spouse in front of your kids or tell everyone what you think of so-and-so. Taking care of yourself and your needs is about discerning who to tell and when. If you’re having trouble with your spouse, talk with him or her directly after getting clear about what you’re feeling and needing. Speak with a trusted friend, coach, or therapist first so that you can articulate yourself clearly and advocate for you needs effectively.
10. Laugh at yourself. When your kids call each other “stupid”, share times when you were stupid too. I can think of lots of times when I was stupid, lazy, smart, fast, slow…and none of those times defined who I am. Admit when you make mistakes, laugh, and do a “do-over”.
With warmth until next week,
Wendy
Co-operation
Sunday, May 17th, 2009 | connection | No Comments
This week my bedroom is wall-to-wall kid’s clothes as I sort through closets and drawers. We’re in the midst of our semi-annual clothes clean-up. We pass on clothes that don’t fit anymore, put away clothes for the fall, and try to find summer clothes that fit. I know I’ll feel so satisfied when I have my room back!
Attention: Parents of teens and older children.
I’m looking for stories from families with great relationships. What makes family relationships work? What doesn’t work? What advice would you give to a parent who is struggling to get along with their kids?
Have you heard that before? I also hear about how uncooperative kids are and “If I could only get my kids to co-operate, then I’d be happy!”
When my parents used to tell me, “do what I say, not what I do”, I felt unsettled. Maybe, I felt confused. I can’t really remember. I do remember that I sometimes felt resentful and did what they said anyway just to get them off my backs and avoid punishment. Knowing now how much they loved me, I’m certain they wished I felt more joy. They didn’t know about partnership parenting. Instead, I’m sure they hoped to have power over me like many parents of their time. Today, I seek to invite everyone in my family to co-operate out of joy and contribution rather than resentment and avoidance.
So, I ask, what does “co-operate” mean?
co-operate: the act of working together, especially for mutual benefit
Co = together; Operate = to do something
If I demand that my children do what I say, without question, this is not inviting them to work together. There is no “co” in co-operate if I’m just telling my children what to do.
Recently, my oldest daughter expressed her dissatisfaction about cleaning up the bedroom “all by herself again”. Can you hear the long sigh? I could see that she wanted company and co-operation. I went in to the room and invited the other kids to help clean up. In a few minutes, the room was cleaned and we all had some fun while we did it.
Another time, I asked the kids to clean the living room while I cleaned the kitchen. One child asked me, “why should we clean up the living room when you’re not doing anything?”
I checked in with him that co-operation was important. I shared with him what I was envisioning: that we were sharing the tasks of cleaning two rooms. I asked if he preferred to do the dishes and sweeping while I cleaned the living room and he said that he preferred to do the living room. The rooms were cleaned shortly afterwards with no hassle.
It would seem that cooperation is important for all of us. I think our children, like us, need reassurance from time to time that we’re not alone and that we’re here to help each other.
Sometimes, I specifically ask for obedience. When we’re heading out the door quickly or doing something that I don’t want to stop because it will impact other members of the family in ways we won’t enjoy, then I ask that we move forward and take the time to negotiate or talk about what needs are not met after there is obedience.
I don’t do this often. Maybe less than 5% of the time. Sometimes, we ask our children to do what we say for the sake of safety or ease. I’ve learned that kids raised in a home where partnerships are valued speak out when their needs are not met. This speaking out takes some adults off guard. Please do not mistake self-advocacy for being disrespectful or uncooperative. These children generally trust that their needs matter and when it really counts, we’ll be there to respect their needs as equal to our own. My older kids (7 and 10) understand now that group momentum and compliance is easier for all of us sometimes.
Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Imagine someone demanding that you be co-operative…which is short-hand for obedience. You may have a boss or teacher like that. You probably don’t enjoy it. Everyone needs choice and to matter. The same is true for children.
Frankly, if you want your children to be cooperative, then be co-operative. Children learn to co-operate by living with co-operative adults. Co-operation works both ways. Gandhi invited us to be the change we want to see in the world. “What we are teaches the child far more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become.” Joseph Chilton Pearce.
Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson in Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids writes this about using power-over with children: ” Parents with this orientation spend a lot of their time lecturing, advising, arguing, analyzing, and, in what ever ways, trying to manage the behavior of their children to fit a set of expectations they accept as the right and only way to do things…using phrases like you have to, you must, you ought to, and you should.”
If you want parenting to be easier, don’t spend one minute trying to make your children do what you think they should do. Aim for co-operation instead. People will follow through with agreements if they are do-able and they are motivated. We can’t motivate people. Motivation comes from within. What we can do is figure out what will motivate people to keep their commitments and do that.
What do you notice when you or someone you know spends their time policing their kids to be sure they’re doing what they’re told?
What does co-operation look like for you?
Name one thing you can do this week to put “co” into co-operation?
Bedtime is a connection time
Tuesday, May 5th, 2009 | connection | No Comments
I’m delighted to share this article written by a colleague and Certified NVC Trainer, Inessa Love. Please read all the way to the bottom about the Family Heart Camp she’s co-cordinating this summer, July 10-18th, 2009 near Washington, DC.
Bedtime is a connection time
As most parents could relate to, bedtime is a fertile ground for disagreements. Kids usually don’t like going to bed – they enjoy every minute of their day and feel great resistance to stop all the excitement just to go to sleep. Such a contrast with us, adults, who are often overworked, overtired, under-rested and can’t wait to hit the pillow, only to find out we are too exhausted to sleep. This evening the bedtime did not promise to be much fun- it was late and I was tired, but my four year old son had different plans for the night.
That evening he got a new boat – it is a ferry boat that has a ramp that lowers down to allow the cars to drive up and take a ride on the boat. We played for a long time with it in the pool this evening. But now it was 9pm, just about the time I like to see him in bed. My idea was to get ready for bed quickly because it was already “too late.” But his idea was to get the bathtub full of water and play with the new boat some more.
“Let’s play just a little bit in the bath tub, just a tiny little bit,” he pleaded.
“No, I said, I am tired, and want to get some rest, let’s get ready for bed” I said, noticing that he was on the verge of crying. “OK,” I tried to compromise – “let’s play for a few minutes with the new boat in your room, here on the carpet.”
“Noooo, he says, starting to cry, it’s a boat, we need to play in the water, it cannot go on the carpet.” I see the meltdown coming.
“Wait,” I said, “let me think about it.” He stops crying, I guess he trusts that when I say “let me think about it,” I will consider what he wants with care. I am pleased with that. He is learning that I mean what I say. Nice.
I really think about an option to let him play in the bathtub, and calculate it might take some 20-30 extra minutes; bath time is really a big deal for him, and it’s really hard to get him out of the bath tub, he likes it so much. I really don’t want to do that. But I see his point.
“You know, it makes sense that you’d like to play in the water because it is a boat, I understand why you want it.” I can really see why this is important. He looks pleased that I understand his needs. Then I have an idea.
“I have an idea, do you want to hear it?” He agrees. “How about this: as soon as you wake up in the morning we will fill the tub with water and play with your boat.” I tried to find a solution that might work for both of us – for him to meet his needs for play in ways that he would most enjoy, and for me to meet my needs for ease, rest and harmony in the evening.
“Let me think about it,” he said and paused, just like I did a moment ago, to consider what I said. “Wow,” I thought to myself, “he is catching up, he is considering my idea.” I was glad that he was willing to think about it.
“I have another idea,” he said, “how about we pretend this is an airplane and play for a little bit in the room on the carpet.”
“I like your idea, I agree.” I said.
I was amazed that he was able to find another solution – a very creative solution, I must say. If this toy is an airplane, it does not need the water! So he was able to agree to play in his room, as I suggested earlier. What he really did was to find a way to meet both of our needs- a way for him to play that is fun for him, and a way that considers my needs that would be met by for going to bed earlier rather then later.
That is the essence of the process that I study and teach, called Nonviolent Communication: understanding what both people’s needs are and finding creative solutions to meet them. We really can do this, as my 4 year old had just demonstrated to me. I now feel more confident that with Nonviolent Communication, a bedtime could be a time for connection, fun, play and learning and I trust that we can find creative solutions to meet everyone’s needs.
About the Author:
Inessa Love is a certified trainer with the Center for Nonviolent Communication. She is the founder of the newsletter www.ConnectionTimes.org which offers inspirational stories and advice on improving any personal and professional relationships. She is organizing and NVC Family Camp, a week-long immersion in Nonviolent Communication for Families that will take place on July 10-18 near Washington DC: www.FamilyHEARTCamp.org
Honesty
Tuesday, May 5th, 2009 | Uncategorized, connection, couples | No Comments
After a busy week, I’ve decided to try something new. Thank you to those of you who requested shorter newsletters to read…for us parents with so little time.
Here it goes…
Today, I am so grateful that my husband honestly expressed his disappointment about some aspect of our relationship. It wasn’t easy to hear. I felt really sad to hear it. To relieve that sadness and restore connection, we wanted to find ways to better meet our needs. So, we went out to dinner and made concrete plans to find more time for ourselves no matter what.
Honesty: communicating and acting truthfully
How comfortable are you with being honest?
How comfortable are you hearing your partner’s or kid’s honesty?
How do you show you love each other no matter what?
What do you do to keep your relationship strong?
“Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.” Mahatma Gandhi
“Each difficult moment has the potential to open my eyes and open my heart.” Myla Kabat-Zinn
“Only when your beloved trusts that her expression of either “no” or “yes” will maintain the same quality of connection between you both, can there be deep safety in the relationship” Kelly Bryson, “Don’t be Nice, Be Real”
Teens Relate Best When Emotional Needs Met
Tuesday, April 7th, 2009 | Emotional Intelligence through the years, Teens, connection | No Comments
“You’re too protective!” “You don’t listen to me!” “Get the &%$# out of my room!” “You’re not the boss of me!” How do we make sense of it? How do we connect with our teenagers?
Most teens I’ve met mistrust adults. Heck, most adults I meet mistrust teens. I imagine teens thinking sarcastically… “oh great, here’s another adult telling me what to do!” I’ve heard both adults and teens say, “He doesn’t listen to me!”
I don’t blame them. I felt the same way when I was their age…angry, hesitant, and aloof. My teen years were challenging for both me and my parents. I swore and yelled at them. Sometimes my parents fought back. Sometimes they left me alone. Eventually, I left my parents for 8 years to seek the company of my peers who would listen to me. I was also influenced by the self-growth movement of the 80s that encouraged me to blame my parents to reclaim power.
So, where does the mistrust come from? We know statistically, as children get older, parents tend to correct and direct rather than appreciate. This conveys our lack of trust and takes responsibility for how our children behave. Examine how you feel when you are corrected. How do you feel when someone wants to spend time with you just for fun? What happens when you get more of one than the other?
Adolescence is a natural human transition. The integration of reason and feelings can cause rocky, rapid changes. At this time, most development is done without parents. Teen rage and ambivalence speaks to me about needs to be heard, to matter, and to be accepted no matter what. We don’t have to tolerate how our children treat us AND we can accept what needs everyone is trying to meet. I assume teenagers don’t trust me and I begin by earning their trust. How? By listening deeply and loving them unconditionally.
These are some of the needs I listen for:
1. self-discovery: spiritual, emotional, physical, mental, sexual, and social
2. adventure and learning: exploring identities and ideas makes them seem highly critical
3. autonomy: choice, freedom to decide what’s best for them, competence, and self-empowerment
4. interdependence: learning when and how to ask for help, belonging, acceptance, separation
5. self-assertion: self-awareness of unique talents, self-expression, and developing relationship skills
6. Trust, understanding, and loving guidance to achieve their goals on their own terms
Can you think of ways your teenager has tried to meet these needs? What did you observe? What worked for him? What didn’t work for him? What triggered you? What would you do to restore trust?
“The secret of effective parenting is much more in the nature of the child’s relationship with the parent than in the skills of the parent. Behind every successful parenting experience is a good working attachment between a child and a parent.” Drs. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté in Hold On To Your Kids
How can parents restore connection?
You’re not alone if you’re struggling with teen years. As your child experiments with new skills, there will be many times when you won’t understand her. She’ll come and go without you.
Please remember that you still matter even though your role has changed from being the centre of her universe to trusted guide and coach. You’re not going to be the only person your child talks to for support and guidance. Rest assured, although you won’t always understand your child, you can stay curious. Don’t give up on your desire to understand just because it’s hard.
Here are 6 ways to connect and make a positive difference in your teen’s life.
1) Treat your teenager the way you would like to be treated.
You might be saying, “I’m not going to stand by and listen to my 15 year old swear at me!” Before interpreting her reaction, observe what happened before she yelled. What was in your tone? Did she have a bad day? Did you demand something instead of asking? Think about what you enjoy and how you would treat a friend. If your child seems grumpy, offer a caring listening ear. Most people enjoy greeting each other when they come in the door or when they wake up. What’s the first thing you do together after you’ve been apart? Is it friendly?
As I mentioned above, earn each other’s trust and share the ways you enjoy your child? Honestly express what it is that your child has done to help meet your needs. Share how you feel about that. With no strings attached, appreciation is a simple, safe, and happy way to connect with each other.
2) Resist the urge to fix mistakes or make painful feelings go away.
Focus on connection and understanding. After you listen closely to your child, share your values in much the same way you would share your values with a friend…brief and nonjudgmental. Be honest, talk about specific actions, your feelings and needs, and make specific realistic requests. Resist the urge to sway your child to make choices you would make. As long as their choice is safe, let them make mistakes and learn from them. Our children, like us, enjoy a trusted guide who is willing to listen to our upset when we make mistakes. Show your confidence that your child can learn and make other choices.
So, in the example of your swearing teenager, you might first listen to her needs. Some good questions include: How do you feel about that? What are you needing? What worked for you? What didn’t work for you? What are you going to do about that? Remember to stay curious. When she feels calmer or has some idea of what to do next, you might request that she not swear at you next time. What would you request to make it easier for you to hear her needs next time? When you listen closely to the needs under the swear words and demands, your child eventually won’t need to make demands to be heard.
Children who are unconditionally loved and accepted when they express their joy and their pain, grow up to be cooperative and compassionate. Since they are used to managing their emotions, they don’t need drugs to numb pain. This unconditional acceptance builds strong attachment and resilience to stress. Tears are healing. If more people felt at ease to express their intense emotions in close relationships, I’m convinced we would see a reduction in violence everywhere.
3) Listen without judgment and see the challenges from your teen’s perspective.
Assume he has the best intent and revisit the needs I listed above. What would it take for you to genuinely open your heart to connect with your teenager? Give your child the gift of your presence, your care, your emotional warmth, and fun. This will convey that he matters. Honour and nurture your child by being a witness for him. Likely, none of his friends know him in the way that you do. You have special shared experiences. Heart connection helps meet needs for belonging and acceptance.
4) Model compassion, self-care, and interdependence.
Your child is still watching you to see how to manage emotions. Although you’re not the expert anymore, your presence can help provide structure and context. When your child feels lost and confused (which often looks like anger and depression), you can help him to uncover his own inner wisdom and offer your assistance. When we do that, we invite him to trust us. When we don’t do that, he may seek peer companionship for order and belonging. It’s okay for a teenager to want a parent’s help. We all seek interdependence…to give and receive from others. You’ll hear how stupid and over-protective parents are. Don’t take it personally. Friends will often show solidarity and support in this way.
“Perhaps we think that if we don’t push a little, they will never leave the nest. Human beings are not like birds in this respect. The more children are pushed, the tighter they cling—or, failing that, they nest with someone else.” Drs. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté in Hold On To Your Kids
5) Safety and peace of mind are met when you know your child’s friends, their parents, and the other adults in your teen’s life who share similar family values. Your child is going to seek out the guidance of other adults and peers. You can surround yourself and your family with a caring community who can support your child. This community can come from friends, a faith community, school, neighbourhood, or other social group.
I wish you and your family deep connection, understanding, and adventure.
How to Say You’re Sorry-Mistakes Are the Fastest Way to Learn
Sunday, March 15th, 2009 | Making mistakes, connection | No Comments
It’s not easy to admit when you said or did something that didn’t work out the way you hoped. What do you do with your feelings of remorse or disappointment? How do you feel when you make a mistake or when others make mistakes? Your beliefs about mistakes can tell a lot about what you believe about yourself, your relationships, and your willingness to learn.
As a parent, when I admit to my kids I’ve made a mistake, it is the FASTEST way to restore connection. We can transform feelings of anger, sadness, and frustration into eagerness, calm and curiosity within a matter of seconds or minutes. When I feel guilty or embarrassed to admit my mistakes, I see how my fear contributes to more conflict and regret. What do you notice?
I’ve found that having a positive attitude toward slip-ups makes correcting them easier and quicker than if you deny it ever happened. If you never acknowledge your blunders, you’ll never be able to correct them.
“The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period on one’s life.” Dalai Lama
Who Makes Mistakes?
Let’s consider people you know and respect. Think of a time when they made a mistake. If you can’t think of anything, ask someone you trust about it. Did they “fess up” to their mistakes or did they try to hide them out of embarrassment? What happened?
“Sometimes when you innovate, you make mistakes. It is best to admit them quickly, and get on with improving your other innovations.” Steve Jobs, Founder of Apple Computers
What does a baby do when she’s learning to walk? She makes mistakes, doesn’t she? She falls down many, many times. Then she falls down some more until she learns how to walk. She does some of the same mistakes over and over again. Life is the same as it always has been since we were babies. Do not be afraid of making mistakes. Make lots of mistakes. Enjoy learning!
We all make mistakes.
When you make a mistake, it’s easy to ignore the problem or blame someone else for it. Unfortunately, if someone slips-up and tries to hide it, that’s when people begin to distrust them, not because they made the mistake in the first place! The problem with blame and shame is that they erode the trust others have in you a little more each time.
Beware the “Sorry” that Comes from Guilt
Chances are, when you made your mistake, you were not trying to make a mistake. You were trying to meet your needs in some way. Accidents, misunderstandings, and miscalculations happen. In either case, you’ll do as much harm to your relationship if you guilt yourself as you would for blaming the other person for the damage.
So, how do you say sorry without guilt? Research shows us that learning is best in a safe, calm, and familiar environment. Guilt and blame are neither calm nor safe. The optimal state for learning and growth is created when you combine the natural creative energy of the needs you were trying to meet, with your focus and accountability. If the conflict is too painful for you to connect with the energy of your needs or the needs of others, consider the help of a life coach, counselor, or empathetic friend to help you listen, and connect with your needs when you can’t.
What Helps When You Make Mistakes?
Admitting you’ve made a mistake is part of building a trusting relationship with yourself and others. By accepting that you did something that did not achieve the goals you were trying to meet, you’re reassuring yourself and others that you can take responsibility for your actions and the consequences that follow. Your powerful feelings of remorse and frustration are your body’s signals that you want to meet your needs in better ways.
“We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better.” Maya Angelou
Give yourself an opportunity to make amends!
Here are some simple steps you can take as soon as you realize you’ve made a mistake:
1. Accept what happened. Take responsibility for it. Taking ownership of the situation rather than trying to cover it up will restore trust in yourself and others. Every consequence is feedback about what works and what doesn’t.
2. Discuss it. Invite other people involved to talk about what happened, what you had in mind, why your strategy didn’t work, and offer a suggestion of how you might correct it.
3. Listen to the feelings and needs of others. How do they feel about what happened? What do they need? What would they like to do about it? Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?
4. Sincerely acknowledge other’s feelings and needs. Say sorry if that helps. What does the other person need from you to restore trust?
5. Do what you can to restore goodwill together. Work with the other person to decide on the best way for you to make amends.
6. What did you learn? Tell yourself and the other person how you’ll act differently. Focus on the positive, creative energy of the needs you were trying to meet. Focus on what you want to do now rather than what you want to avoid.
7. Don’t dwell on the mistake. Keep focused on what you learned and how you’ll do things differently. If goodwill has been restored, move on and stay present and compassionate with yourself. Remember, that your relationship may need time and reassurance to build the trust that you once had.
It’s never easy admitting mistakes. Our painful feelings of remorse and sadness are calling us back to our integrity. Our heart calls us to restore the connection and trust with others when something we’ve done has contributed to harm. Sometimes all you want to do is run away rather than admit mistakes. However, taking responsibility for ourselves is part of learning, growing, and experiencing emotional freedom that encourages people to trust and respect you.
“A man should never be ashamed to own that he is wrong, which is but saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.” Alexander Pope
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How to Say You’re Sorry: Dispel the myths and taboos about making mistakes
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