Compassion In Action

Shared Power, Deep Shifts and Restorative Circles for Families- Part 2

Friday, July 31st, 2009 | Dominic Barter, Family Life, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, anger management, conflict exploration | No Comments

Restorative Circles for Families- Part 1

Tuesday, July 7th, 2009 | Dominic Barter, Family Life, Restorative Circles, anger management, conflict exploration | No Comments

I am excited to tell you about how Restorative Circles (RC) have helped our family understand each other and learn from our conflicts more easily. The Restorative System and Process support mutual understanding, self-responsibility, and the co-creation of action steps to restore dignity and relationships with little to no communication skills training.

Within a few days after my 2 day introduction and 3 day facilitator training with Dominic Barter from Brazil, my children and I were able to use the RC process with great success. Even though I had learned about Nonviolent Communication (NVC, www.cnvc.org) 6 years ago, Barter’s work made NVC more concrete for me. I especially enjoyed that there are no assumptions that people can communicate. If we could communicate, we’d likely be doing something other than being in conflict.

Dominic Barter draws on his extensive training and experience in Restorative Practices (www.twitter.com/restoracircles and contact@restorativecircles.org) and Nonviolent Communication (NVC, www.cnvc.org). I believe he has managed to develop a simple and effective way for communities and families to experience and learn from painful conflict. Circle participants share how they were impacted by an act. There is an actor, a direct recipient of the act, and a community (e.g., family, friends, social group, neighbours, etc.). All participants dialogue in a personal capacity, no matter what roles people play outside the circle. Circles provide valuable opportunities to hear how others have been impacted and what each person was looking for at the time they chose to say or do what they did.

NVC helps me make sense of what I sense, feel, and need, so that I can make do-able requests of myself and others. I needed another way to transform my conflicts when they came up. I also wanted an easy way to explore conflict without always being “in charge”. That is, the one others look to for what to say and do next. I wanted shared power and responsibility. I found it in Restorative Circles.

I intended on sharing my RC experiences with my family in the spirit of partnership rather than “Mommy is going to tell us what to do to.” My initial intention was to observe conflict in our home and initiate dialogues to examine what we all perceive and how we might create a space for shared power and collaboration. I began thinking about ways to set up a Restorative System at home.

I woke up the first morning after the training and connected with each of my 4 kids after being away. Within an hour, conflict was ignited. My 10 year old daughter placed a cup on the table that tipped and spilled onto her younger sister (4 years). My sons (7 and 2 years) and I saw the act. I stayed focused on the questions that Dominic Barter shared with us in our training: 1) What do you want to say? (ie., What would you, the speaker, like known about how you are now in relation to the event and its consequences?) 2) What did you hear? (asked of the listener) and 3) Is that it? (asked of the speaker). Each speaker decides if he or she was heard in the way they intended.

It was hard to stay focused. Many times I wanted to direct the conversation and then refocused myself on the questions and tracked meaning. I noticed some of us wanted to move to action plans while others wanted mutual understanding. Self-responsibility wove in and out as each person understood why they did what they did. Eventually my discomfort subsided, I noticed a shift in the group energy (led mostly by my 7 year old son) to create an action plan. We did that and we checked in to see if everyone was satisfied with the outcome. We were. Total time was less than 15 minutes. We’ve had several more circles. Most circles take less than 20 minutes. Only one lasted 30 minutes.

Next time, I will share my wonderful shift in consciousness as a mother as a result of using Restorative Circles.

You may contact Dominic Barter at: contact@restorativecircles.org or www.twitter.com/restoracircles.

Overcoming the Challenges of Connection in Family Relationships

Monday, June 15th, 2009 | Family Life, anger management, conflict exploration, connection | No Comments

I’ve got a few more boxes to sort after putting all the summer clothes into kids’ drawers. Phew! I’m taking a break this week to learn how to make a movie. Next week, I’m learning more about Restorative Circles with Dominic Barter in Toronto, Ontario (contact (at) restorativecircles.org). In the midst of this, my littlest talks over everyone most of the time. Meaningful conversation and connection is a real challenge these days! Gotta love toddlers.

I read somewhere that our families push our buttons because they put them there. Family relationships provide the best catalyst for personal growth because  all our beliefs, attachments, feelings, needs, strengths, and limitations will be challenged.

“Human relationships are the perfect tool for sanding away our rough edges and getting at the core of divinity within us.” Eknath Easwaran

Sometimes we’re afraid to connect with our kids or spouse because they may say something that triggers our guilt, sadness, or pain. Other times when we genuinely seek to connect, the other person perceives it as interrogation or therapy. Perhaps we dread having a difficult conversation because “it always ends up the same way”. This can be especially true for parents seeking divorce, enduring a stressful or transitional time, grieving from the death of a loved on, or becoming a parent after a significant painful event. Some of us worry that we’re “bad parents” or we don’t want to cause our children pain.  Is it a fear, “maybe I won’t measure up to the latest parenting advice”? Is it a fear of not being able to be heard or effectively advocate for ourselves. Limiting beliefs can lead us to feel sensitive and want to defend ourselves.

Here  are  10  tips to Overcome the Challenges of Connection in Family Relationships. This list is definitely not exhaustive. Continue to add to it by examining all the conditions that support connection so that you can do more of that every day.

1. No one is perfect. Even the best parents, spouses, and communicators make mistakes. We all make mistakes even when we’re doing our best.

2. You’ve already had so much success in your life. Begin to notice all the ways that you meet your needs. Look at what you’ve managed to accomplish so far! Whatever comes along, you can find the resources you need to solve any problem and manage any feeling.

3. Sometimes all we need is to grieve a loss (e.g., separation, death, disappointment) with someone there to listen to us. That’s all.

4.  Whatever  anyone  says, don’t take it personally. Criticism is the expression of unmet needs and painful feelings. What we feel is our response to the world. The world doesn’t cause our pain. There are as many sides to a story as there are people perceiving the event.
If you offer empathy and your spouse says (as mine did), “Don’t talk to me that way!” then perhaps he’s looking for reassurance of authentic connection and trust. Hear the needs, not the criticism and you’ll likely get the connection you’re looking for.

5. Many of us feel overwhelmed by painful feelings and want to make them go away. Feelings are our bodies way of informing us of our needs. The best way to meet our needs is to welcome and listen to our feelings without judgment.
When you still find this difficult, seek the help of someone who is willing to witness and listen.

6. Family life means change. Change involves grief. Grief involves feeling and integrating. Give yourself time to integrate new circumstances.

7. Listen to your children even when what they say is hard to hear. Learn to feel comfortable living outside your comfort zone for awhile until you understand what’s at the heart of the matter. The initial discomfort will pass as you understand and integrate new information.

8.  Talk  about  things  that  are  troubling  you  even when you feel uncomfortable. Most things left unspoken and hidden will cause conflict at some point.

9. Don’t criticize your spouse in front of your kids or tell everyone what you think of so-and-so. Taking care of yourself and your needs is about discerning who to tell and when. If you’re having trouble with your spouse, talk with him or her directly after getting clear about what you’re feeling and needing. Speak with a trusted friend, coach, or therapist first so that you can articulate yourself clearly and advocate for you needs effectively.

10. Laugh at yourself. When your kids call each other “stupid”, share times when you were stupid too. I can think of lots of times when I was stupid, lazy, smart, fast, slow…and none of those times defined who I am. Admit when you make mistakes, laugh, and do a “do-over”.

With warmth until next week,
Wendy

Curiosity transforms fear

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009 | conflict exploration | No Comments

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Albert Einstein

Watch a child examine a bug for the first time.
What do you see?
Wide eyes looking closely, touching, tasting, and asking “what’s that?” or  “what does it do?”
Curiosity is an emotion growing out of a need for exploration, investigation, and learning. We see it in many animals including humans. It’s an alert, energized state we experience when we want to learn more about something.
Curiosity is stimulated by something new, a puzzle, a riddle, a provocative question, and a desire to understand.
In that moment, nothing else matters but connection and understanding.
When that happens to me, I feel secure, playful, creative, energized, and fascinated. Do you?

Curiosity is easy when we experience something interesting and something we enjoy. What about those times when we don’t enjoy what we’re hearing, seeing, tasting, touching, smelling, or even thinking about?
Without curiosity, we can feel frustrated, dreadful, angry, afraid, or insecure. I learned that our left mind analyzes the past, is fearful of the future, and has a tendency to be redundant. When we are judging right from wrong, analyzing, and making sense of the world, it is our left mind that is helping us out.
Curiosity, on the other hand, is a matter of attitude and choice. When we are curious, our right brain is engaged. Our right mind is adventurous, celebrates abundance, and brings new insights when old beliefs and behaviours no longer serve us.
Hard to believe?
I used to think so too.
Then I learned that if I choose curiosity and understanding, I could change the way I responded, inviting others to feel curious too, and create new solutions that moved me past fear and anger. The more I do that, the more I want to learn ways to do it more!
I have learned that it’s easier to do when I’m rested and have focused attention.
When is it easier for you to feel creative and curious?

“I define responsibility (response-ability) as the ability to choose how we respond to stimulation coming in through our sensory systems at any moment in time. Although there are certain limbic system (emotional) programs that can be triggered automatically, it takes less than 90 seconds for one of these programs to be triggered, surge through our body, and then be completely flushed out of our blood stream…Once triggered, the chemical release by my brain surges through my body and I have a physiological experience. Within 90 seconds from the initial trigger, the chemical component of my anger has completely dissipated from my blood and my automatic response is over. If, however, I remain angry after those 90 seconds have passed, then it is because I have chosen to let that circuit continue to run.”
“We have the power to chose, moment by moment, who and how we want to be in the world.” Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D.

Here’s your challenge for this week:
What would it take for you to feel curious and playful about yourself, your world, and the people around you?
How would you shift to a state of curiosity in the face of discomfort, fear, or anger?
Imagine talking to your left and right brains. What would each say?

For PARENTS! Who doesn’t want to inspire respect and cooperation?
We all need practical support from time to time to parent in ways we feel good about.

Group Coaching calls are most Monday nights 8 to 9:30 pm Eastern.

Find out more and register today! http://compassionatesolutions.ca/events_resources.php

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Conflict Exploration

Saturday, January 10th, 2009 | conflict exploration | No Comments

Most people dread arguments and “silent treatments”. Conflict involves at least two people committed to their side of the story and are afraid that their needs won’t get met. Many people believe their only choices are to give up their power and stay silent, or fight. In either case, resolution isn’t happening. Instead, our energy is distracted by blaming, judging, and criticizing. If we choose to focus our thoughts on who’s right or wrong, we risk eroding trust and open communication. Hostility replaces goodwill and creativity. There are effective ways to find compassionate solutions to everyday challenges. There is a win-win solution that empowers us, maintains dignity, and creates more cooperation and respect with each other.

“Did you ever notice how difficult it is to argue with someone who is not obsessed with being right?”

Wayne W. Dyer

Best Practices for Conflict Exploration in 4 Steps
Rather than focus on ‘resolution’, focus on ‘exploration’, learning, and understanding. When you choose that consciousness, you invite curiosity and creativity.

Step 1: Take a deep, calming breath or a break. Prepare yourself to understand by putting yourself into the other person’s story and ask lots of questions.

Step 2: Don’t take what anyone says or does personally.
Everything we do and say is an attempt to meet our needs. Try not to fix anything. Instead, explore the very important and valuable reasons we do the things we do. Imagine each story from a third person’s perspective.

Step 3: What is everyone’s story, how are you reacting to that, and what values are important to you about those stories? Understand and value everyone’s different perspectives. Make sure you are also understood and valued fully.

Step 4: When you both know that you understand each others’ points of view, you’ll notice a shift to lightness and resolution. When everyone has had their say and is fully heard and understood, allow everyone’s natural creative resources to co-create a mutually satisfying solution.

“The more we hear them, the more they’ll hear us.”
“I’ve learned that I enjoy human beings more if I don’t hear what they think…only hearing what’s going on in their hearts and not getting caught up with the stuff in their heads.”

Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.

If you are willing to explore conflict, hear everyone’s story and get to be heard too, the process of resolution looks pretty much the same although the end result is unknown from the beginning. Conflict can strengthen our relationships rather than pull them apart.

“The secret of life is three words: change through relationship.”

J. Krishnamurti

 
“True wisdom is realizing that we know nothing and being open to discover, moment by moment.”

Naomi Aldort.

Be part of the solution

Thursday, January 1st, 2009 | conflict exploration | No Comments

Conflict happens when we have a difference of opinion and we focus on the differences between us and someone else. Many of us are are afraid that our own needs can’t or won’t be valued or considered. We often blame ourselves or others for not getting what we need.

Did you know that current research and experience is now showing us that we are more the same than we are different? There is only a 0.01% difference between me and you no matter who we are or how old we are.

This tells me that hostility may be created simply because we choose to focus on our differences rather than on our similarities. Imagine the possibilities if we chose to focus on the 99.99% that unites us!

So, end conflict now and into this new year by listening and learning how we are more alike than we are different. Trust yourself and your kids. Trust that we are all creative, resourceful, empowered, responsible people coming together and doing the best we can to meet our needs in any given moment no matter how old we are. By being interested in others, we invite others to be interested in us. When we are all interested in each other, then we are a part of the solution, not the problem.

Do this today:

Listen and learn something new about someone else. When someone feels upset about something you’ve said or done, listen to their side of the story without trying to fix anything or jump in with advice. Simply seek to understand their perspective and let them know what you heard them say. We all need to be heard and accepted no matter what.

For more tips and 10 simple actions you can do today to bring more peace into your life now, subscribe to my free newsletter: http://compassionatesolutions.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=7201963c22e46c668170bd706&id=ba32e85a06

“Anyone who chooses to focus on thoughts of who’s right and who’s wrong, what’s fair and what’s unfair, who’s bad and who’s good, will inevitably spend time and energy analyzing, judging, blaming, and criticizing. When you give your energy to analyzing, judging, blaming, and criticizing, you are in a sense voting for conflict. The consequence is that by assuming a conflict-ready stance, you distract your own attention from understanding and meeting the needs that your children are expressing through their behaviour.” … “If you see your children as untrustworthy, you will tend to limit opportunities for them to make decisions and learn about trust. Also, when you say to your children, I can’t trust you, they are likely to take that message to heart. If instead you see your children as capable of handling life, you will convey your confidence, treat them with respect, and give them lots of opportunities to make decisions for themselves.” Quote from Respectful Parents Respectful Kids by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson