anger management
Shared Power, Deep Shifts and Restorative Circles for Families- Part 2
Friday, July 31st, 2009 | Dominic Barter, Family Life, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, anger management, conflict exploration | No Comments
Who doesn’t want parenting to be easier? But what does that mean given intense emotional reactions that spring up seemingly out of the blue and the challenges of everyday family life? Is it even possible for children and adults to share power while we are leaders in our families?
Well, I found out that we can be equally powerful one morning in June. I saw my 2 1/2 year old son carrying my eye glasses and a fork in one hand. I felt livid imagining not being able to use my glasses again and noticed I blamed my son. I stood in the kitchen, witnessed my anger inside, while my oldest children (7 and 10 years) looked at me. Suddenly, I had the idea to request a Restorative Circle (RC). I could see that my ability to hear was diminished by my emotional intensity. That meant that I would need some help being heard. I made this request of my oldest children. To my surprise, both children said “yes”. My 10 year old daughter turned to me and asked, “So, how do we do that?” I said, “Just do what you’ve seen me do over the last couple of days.” I thought, “Not a do-able request, I know…but it was the best I could come up with at the time.” To my surprise again, she replied confidently, “okay.”
My two children eagerly co-facilitated a circle. It looked rather fun for them even though I was still feeling uncomfortable. It wasn’t for long. My young children empathized with my feelings, understanding my needs for order and ease. They also gave me space to share how I also saw my son’s needs for fun and my love for him. Holding emotional space for me and him was the challenge for me. Once I received this gift of empathy, I re-connected with my littlest who was cowering in fear. I’m sure it was in reaction to the look of rage on my face earlier when I saw him do what he did. After the circle, hearing how I was, and what my son was likely looking for when he was carrying my glasses and the fork in one hand, we hugged and kissed. Total time: about 10 minutes.
Some days we are unable to do spontaneous circles. Any one of us may be too tired or focused on other things. My family seems to generally trust our needs are important. Even though we can’t always listen in the way that we would like and take a break to regain calm again, we mostly trust that we can work things out together. When we forget, there seems to be someone else, at some point, helping us to remember. I am so grateful for that!
One day, the kids and I were heading out the door when conflict happened. Unable to focus our attention on a circle, my older son grabbed a pen, paper, and wrote his name to request a circle later. He seemed relieved to write this note. Then, he turned to his younger brother with whom he just had the conflict and figured out a way to move forward (i.e., to get out the door). I read the note next morning when I was able to facilitate a circle. When I asked my son about it, he said there was no conflict. He threw out the note.
I trust myself and my kids to value and know how to meet our needs even if we haven’t got a clue in any given moment. Those moments of uncertainty are tough and uncomfortable. I’m learning everyday to feel more comfortable with my discomfort and seeing these feelings in a restorative way.
I’m wondering if you’re wondering, “How this is possible?” If you’re experiencing intense conflict or exhaustion, this experience can seem too unreal to imagine. I advise you to get the rest and help you need before trying this on your own. Sharing power with my kids means that I feel vulnerable to change. I don’t have all the answers. I bring my curiosity and care. I’m often raw and unsure. This is so rich for me as long as I see it as an adventure. As long as I do, I feel powerful, confident, and can acknowledge my children’s power and choice. When I don’t, I get help just like anyone else.
Restorative Circles made my parenting easier because the questions and structure developed by Dominic Barter were easy enough for my eldest children to learn from a couple of 10 minute discussions and watching me over 2 days. We still need lots of practice. I notice more ease to understand myself and my family. I’m not getting stuck on communicating in the “right way” as much as I used to. Instead, checking for the meaning underlying what we do and say has become easier. Rather than trying to fix a situation, even if it’s mine, I know I can witness what’s going on for me, be gentle with myself, ask for help, and trust that all is well. Pain is important and, I dare say necessary, for learning.
I am grateful for my experiences with Restorative Circles, Dominic Barter and his team for the inspiration I have about shared power, family relationships, and communication. For more information about Restorative Circles being developed by Dominic Barter, please contact him at contact@restorativecircles.org or www.twitter.com/restoracircles. To learn more about Nonviolent Communication and how to value and communicate all our needs, please visit www.cnvc.org.
Restorative Circles for Families- Part 1
Tuesday, July 7th, 2009 | Dominic Barter, Family Life, Restorative Circles, anger management, conflict exploration | No Comments
I am excited to tell you about how Restorative Circles (RC) have helped our family understand each other and learn from our conflicts more easily. The Restorative System and Process support mutual understanding, self-responsibility, and the co-creation of action steps to restore dignity and relationships with little to no communication skills training.
Within a few days after my 2 day introduction and 3 day facilitator training with Dominic Barter from Brazil, my children and I were able to use the RC process with great success. Even though I had learned about Nonviolent Communication (NVC, www.cnvc.org) 6 years ago, Barter’s work made NVC more concrete for me. I especially enjoyed that there are no assumptions that people can communicate. If we could communicate, we’d likely be doing something other than being in conflict.
Dominic Barter draws on his extensive training and experience in Restorative Practices (www.twitter.com/restoracircles and contact@restorativecircles.org) and Nonviolent Communication (NVC, www.cnvc.org). I believe he has managed to develop a simple and effective way for communities and families to experience and learn from painful conflict. Circle participants share how they were impacted by an act. There is an actor, a direct recipient of the act, and a community (e.g., family, friends, social group, neighbours, etc.). All participants dialogue in a personal capacity, no matter what roles people play outside the circle. Circles provide valuable opportunities to hear how others have been impacted and what each person was looking for at the time they chose to say or do what they did.
NVC helps me make sense of what I sense, feel, and need, so that I can make do-able requests of myself and others. I needed another way to transform my conflicts when they came up. I also wanted an easy way to explore conflict without always being “in charge”. That is, the one others look to for what to say and do next. I wanted shared power and responsibility. I found it in Restorative Circles.
I intended on sharing my RC experiences with my family in the spirit of partnership rather than “Mommy is going to tell us what to do to.” My initial intention was to observe conflict in our home and initiate dialogues to examine what we all perceive and how we might create a space for shared power and collaboration. I began thinking about ways to set up a Restorative System at home.
I woke up the first morning after the training and connected with each of my 4 kids after being away. Within an hour, conflict was ignited. My 10 year old daughter placed a cup on the table that tipped and spilled onto her younger sister (4 years). My sons (7 and 2 years) and I saw the act. I stayed focused on the questions that Dominic Barter shared with us in our training: 1) What do you want to say? (ie., What would you, the speaker, like known about how you are now in relation to the event and its consequences?) 2) What did you hear? (asked of the listener) and 3) Is that it? (asked of the speaker). Each speaker decides if he or she was heard in the way they intended.
It was hard to stay focused. Many times I wanted to direct the conversation and then refocused myself on the questions and tracked meaning. I noticed some of us wanted to move to action plans while others wanted mutual understanding. Self-responsibility wove in and out as each person understood why they did what they did. Eventually my discomfort subsided, I noticed a shift in the group energy (led mostly by my 7 year old son) to create an action plan. We did that and we checked in to see if everyone was satisfied with the outcome. We were. Total time was less than 15 minutes. We’ve had several more circles. Most circles take less than 20 minutes. Only one lasted 30 minutes.
Next time, I will share my wonderful shift in consciousness as a mother as a result of using Restorative Circles.
You may contact Dominic Barter at: contact@restorativecircles.org or www.twitter.com/restoracircles.
Overcoming the Challenges of Connection in Family Relationships
Monday, June 15th, 2009 | Family Life, anger management, conflict exploration, connection | No Comments
I’ve got a few more boxes to sort after putting all the summer clothes into kids’ drawers. Phew! I’m taking a break this week to learn how to make a movie. Next week, I’m learning more about Restorative Circles with Dominic Barter in Toronto, Ontario (contact (at) restorativecircles.org). In the midst of this, my littlest talks over everyone most of the time. Meaningful conversation and connection is a real challenge these days! Gotta love toddlers.
I read somewhere that our families push our buttons because they put them there. Family relationships provide the best catalyst for personal growth because all our beliefs, attachments, feelings, needs, strengths, and limitations will be challenged.
“Human relationships are the perfect tool for sanding away our rough edges and getting at the core of divinity within us.” Eknath Easwaran
Sometimes we’re afraid to connect with our kids or spouse because they may say something that triggers our guilt, sadness, or pain. Other times when we genuinely seek to connect, the other person perceives it as interrogation or therapy. Perhaps we dread having a difficult conversation because “it always ends up the same way”. This can be especially true for parents seeking divorce, enduring a stressful or transitional time, grieving from the death of a loved on, or becoming a parent after a significant painful event. Some of us worry that we’re “bad parents” or we don’t want to cause our children pain. Is it a fear, “maybe I won’t measure up to the latest parenting advice”? Is it a fear of not being able to be heard or effectively advocate for ourselves. Limiting beliefs can lead us to feel sensitive and want to defend ourselves.
Here are 10 tips to Overcome the Challenges of Connection in Family Relationships. This list is definitely not exhaustive. Continue to add to it by examining all the conditions that support connection so that you can do more of that every day.
1. No one is perfect. Even the best parents, spouses, and communicators make mistakes. We all make mistakes even when we’re doing our best.
2. You’ve already had so much success in your life. Begin to notice all the ways that you meet your needs. Look at what you’ve managed to accomplish so far! Whatever comes along, you can find the resources you need to solve any problem and manage any feeling.
3. Sometimes all we need is to grieve a loss (e.g., separation, death, disappointment) with someone there to listen to us. That’s all.
4. Whatever anyone says, don’t take it personally. Criticism is the expression of unmet needs and painful feelings. What we feel is our response to the world. The world doesn’t cause our pain. There are as many sides to a story as there are people perceiving the event.
If you offer empathy and your spouse says (as mine did), “Don’t talk to me that way!” then perhaps he’s looking for reassurance of authentic connection and trust. Hear the needs, not the criticism and you’ll likely get the connection you’re looking for.
5. Many of us feel overwhelmed by painful feelings and want to make them go away. Feelings are our bodies way of informing us of our needs. The best way to meet our needs is to welcome and listen to our feelings without judgment.
When you still find this difficult, seek the help of someone who is willing to witness and listen.
6. Family life means change. Change involves grief. Grief involves feeling and integrating. Give yourself time to integrate new circumstances.
7. Listen to your children even when what they say is hard to hear. Learn to feel comfortable living outside your comfort zone for awhile until you understand what’s at the heart of the matter. The initial discomfort will pass as you understand and integrate new information.
8. Talk about things that are troubling you even when you feel uncomfortable. Most things left unspoken and hidden will cause conflict at some point.
9. Don’t criticize your spouse in front of your kids or tell everyone what you think of so-and-so. Taking care of yourself and your needs is about discerning who to tell and when. If you’re having trouble with your spouse, talk with him or her directly after getting clear about what you’re feeling and needing. Speak with a trusted friend, coach, or therapist first so that you can articulate yourself clearly and advocate for you needs effectively.
10. Laugh at yourself. When your kids call each other “stupid”, share times when you were stupid too. I can think of lots of times when I was stupid, lazy, smart, fast, slow…and none of those times defined who I am. Admit when you make mistakes, laugh, and do a “do-over”.
With warmth until next week,
Wendy
I feel angry sometimes
Monday, March 23rd, 2009 | anger management | No Comments
This blog comes on the heels of a challenging week. As some of you know, I’m changing my relationship with food and exercise to support my health and fit into a pair of jeans I wore 2 ½ years ago. Along with that, my husband and I have a few encounters with government agencies and banks this week. Phew! So, I was blessed to have my own self-judgments and people around me to trigger my anger. It wasn’t easy and the payoff was great because I learned so much about myself and others. This article is my affirmation for compassionate communication even when I feel angry.
I am improving my communication skills and resolving conflicts peacefully and effectively.
Open and honest communication is essential to keep my relationships healthy. For this reason, I strive to keep the big picture in mind whenever I find myself in conflict with someone else. We can work out our differences when we trust that all needs and values will be respected and heard.
When I feel angry, I am probably feeling scared that my needs don’t matter. I’m likely disappointed that something hasn’t worked out the way I hoped. What keeps me from seeing the beauty of the relationship in moments of conflict? What needs of mine were not met? How can I value them now, so that I can listen to what this person is trying to say or do? When I feel angry with myself, how can I connect to the life in me rather than criticize myself?
When I feel angry, I step back from the situation to cool off before we discuss it further. I remember to breathe. I connect to my feelings and needs. I figure out why I am triggered by something someone else has said or done. Rarely do issues need to be resolved on the spot. Time away from the argument often makes communication and conflict productive. Sometimes, I call up a friend or life coach to help me to sort out my feelings and needs before I discuss anything. Then, we come back with a clearer idea of what’s important to us. Now, we can resolve the pain and restore goodwill. Conflict is an opportunity to learn when I choose to communicate consciously from my heart rather than react out of habit.
I accept that I feel angry sometimes. I know it is both impossible and unhealthy to hide from emotions. Anger is my emergency signal that I need to attend to my needs. If I detect anger early, I don’t need to blow my top. Without judging myself or others, I ask, “What am I also feeling, besides anger? What did I have in mind? How do I choose to meet my needs now?”
When I am ready to talk, I make sure to discuss our perceptions, feelings, and needs rather than attacking the person.
I remember that nurturing relationships is my long term goal. For this reason, I let go of any desires for revenge or being right. I put my focus on understanding and developing workable solutions. I tell other people how I feel and what I need. I remain open to hearing how others feel and what they value.
In the heat of the moment, my opinion always seems right. I recognize that there are always at least two sides to every story. Everyone’s needs matter. The best way to meet my needs is to consider the whole picture. That way nothing gets left out. Two (or more) heads are often better than one.
Although it’s hard to do sometimes, I assume everyone has the best intent. I don’t seek to make other people’s lives miserable. There is no reason to assume people are out to get me. I release my beliefs and language that imply that I am right and other people are wrong.
Because I treasure my relationships more than proving myself right, I make a conscious effort to facilitate communication and understanding, especially when I find myself in conflict.
Personal Reflections:
1. When I find myself in conflict, how do I take time to calm down so that I can respond consciously?
2. How do I show others that I value their point of view and respect their needs?
3. How do I reassure myself that I value and respect my needs?
4. How do I facilitate connection and understanding?
5. Am I willing to focus on the lasting health of my relationships rather than being right?
6. How can I detect the early stages of anger so that I can meet my needs without blowing up?
7. How do I make a conscious choice to respond compassionately from my heart rather than react defensively or habitually?