Compassion In Action

What is your objective?

Monday, August 31st, 2009 | Nonviolent Communication, connection, listening, understanding | No Comments

I remember the year I felt eager to try out some new communication skills I was learning. I trusted they would help lessen confusion and help me to get more of what I wanted out of my relationships.

When I spoke to one person I knew for many years, I was confused because my new skills seemed to help to end that relationship. I thought I was trying to resolve a conflict. I believed these skills didn’t work or I didn’t do them right. So I tried again around the same time when I spoke to my dying mother. These new skills helped us to deepen our connection and mutual understanding. We experienced unconditional love and it felt wonderful! Yet another time, I felt confused again when I tried to speak to my husband using the communication formula that I had just learned. He nearly had a fit and wondered what kind of therapy I was trying to pull over on him.

Same strategy and three different results…hmmm… Why?

I believe the difference was in my objectives, what I was aiming for at the time I chose to speak. For each relationship and each communication, I intended different things. At the same time, I put more faith in the strategies rather than in myself.

In the first example, I felt frustrated and ambiguous to change the situation. Concerned by my mother’s well-being and focused on spending more time with her before she died, my intention was on nurturing that relationship. In my heart, my care was elsewhere. It was not on the conflict with the other person. I just wanted the fighting to stop. In one way, it did.

In the second example with my mother, I wanted to deeply connect with her. Despite my clumsy interpretation of what I was learning at the time, love and understanding poured from my heart. My focus, and the results, were congruent again.

In the last example where I tried a new communication format with my husband, my intention was on the technique. I forgot about the dialogue, and I forgot to trust myself. No wonder he wanted the “real” me! I learned then (and I remind myself as often as I can) that authenticity, understanding, and my focus are more important than trying to “get it right”. As long as I have the objective to understand…to be curious rather than be right…then the words and actions I choose will likely lead me in that direction. The intention I have in my heart will likely lead me to where I want to go.

This is your coaching assignment for this week if you choose to accept it: Think of a challenge you have right now. Check in with yourself and your heart. Express yourself truthfully while respecting others’ needs to do the same. Seek to understand rather than being right.

“Communication works for those who work at it.” John Powell

 

“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.” Carl Jung

Getting the kids to listen

Sunday, August 16th, 2009 | connection, listening | No Comments

How do I get my children to want to communicate or to listen to basic requests?

Thank you Felicia P for asking the question that many of us ask. I appreciate writing articles that are relevant and practical. I hope that this article is that for you.

I’m trying a new article format…the short and the long to meet needs for choice and engagement. What do you think? I love feedback or dialogue about this or any other article. Email me (wendy (at) compassionatesolutions.ca) anytime. Feel free to share this with your friends and family who may enjoy it too.

For those of us who have about 2 minutes, here’s a quick tip:

Notice what your child is doing. Is she focused on a particular project or a phone call? Is he deep in thought? Communication is a little like merging into highway traffic. Look ahead, match your speed with the traffic speed, find a place to fit in, and then join the line of cars when the timing is right. Rushing into a child’s room expecting her to pay attention to you is like leaping from the on-ramp into oncoming traffic. It’s an accident waiting to happen. Are you trying to speak without the other’s full attention?

When lovers court each other, they slow down and gaze into each other’s eyes. When a new baby is born, parents gaze into her eyes. When rapport is good, people begin to mirror each other’s actions. 90-95% of what we communicate is nonverbal. I suggest that you begin there. When you don’t know what to say, stay present in silence. Merge with your child. Find out what he’s interested in that moment. When he’s had your attention, then you can ask for his. Even if your child wants to do something else, you’ll likely be able to better understand that intention rather than thinking that he’s ignoring requests or doesn’t communicate. If you need to interrupt, say so. Treat your child as you would like to be treated.  For example: “Excuse me, can I get your attention, I have a request to make?” Then, ask for what you want while linking it to your needs you want to meet. For example, you might say, “Take out the trash, please.” and it may be heard. Requests are better understood when prefaced with a clear need. Try something like “Remember when we agreed that you’d take out the trash after dinner while I did the dishes? Could you do what we agreed on today?”

“Instead of talking in the hope that people will listen, try listening in the hope that people will talk.” Dr. Mardy Grothe

“We can’t change children’s behaviour by educating them. The only way to change your child’s behaviour is to change your own behaviour.” Deepak Chopra

 

“Don’t fill the air with a lot of words. Rather, create a flow in which the other person can tell you what they need to know.” Marshall Rosenberg

 

 

For the rest of us with about 10-20 minutes, here are some steps to follow:

For all of us reading this article, take a moment right now to notice what is happening in your body when you ask the question “How do I get my children to want to communicate or to listen to basic requests?” Are you feeling curious and excited about engaging with your kids? If you are, enjoy that time to connect to feelings and needs. Otherwise, read on.

Are you feeling dread and hesitancy because you need reassurance that connection and consideration are possible? If you are, follow the steps below.

Step 1: Notice any resistance in your body and breathe in the air around you deeply. Notice any other thoughts you might have about this situation. In other words, notice what you are reacting to inside and out. What is your child doing that is stimulating the feeling you’re feeling now? For now, assume your child has the best of intentions and is doing his or her best to meet their needs. Breathe. Notice what is happening in your body so that you can condition yourself to respond in a way that you enjoy when you experience that sensation again.

If you notice you want to make your child do something, your thoughts may sound like, “he’s so disrespectful”, “why isn’t she looking at me right now?” or “he needs to learn how to follow instructions!”

Step 2: Now, imagine hearing those thought said about you. Put yourself in your child’s shoes. How does your body feel now? Breathe. Accept your thoughts and feelings. Allow them to wash through you and change you. Inside those thoughts and feelings is a gift. Life inside of you is speaking in the best way it knows how. You are informing yourself about what to do next. What you choose next will answer your question for you. Breathe.

Step 3: What is important to you right now? What do you need? From your question, I guess that you want understanding and attention. I’m also guessing there’s a need for trust or reassurance that valuing and meeting those needs are possible. Is that so?

If trust is important, stay with that. In this moment, is it possible for you to believe in listening and understanding even without knowing how to do that right now? Begin to disengage that need from what your child is doing. Are you able to imagine the experience of mutual consideration? If so, stay with that feeling as long as possible. If not, what will it take for you to imagine it? Before you can request something to meet your needs, you need to believe it’s possible. Otherwise, others will experience your ambivalence and give you exactly what you ARE asking for…to not be heard.

I trust you already know how to engage in conversation and listen. You’ve likely had many experiences of doing this many times in your life. Use your imagination to connect with that. The challenge is that your thoughts are telling you that your child should do something. Instead, ask yourself what would make it easier in that moment to understand and be understood?

Step 4: See what your child is doing. Is she focused on a particular project or a phone call? Is he deep in thought? Communication is a little like merging into highway traffic. Look ahead, match your speed with the traffic speed, find a place to fit in, and then join the line of cars when the timing is right. Rushing into a child’s room expecting her to pay attention to you is like leaping from the on-ramp into oncoming traffic. It’s an accident waiting to happen.

When lovers court each other, they slow down and gaze into each other’s eyes. When a new baby is born, parents gaze into her eyes. When rapport is good, people begin to mirror each other’s actions. 90-95% of what we communicate is nonverbal. I suggest that you begin there. When you don’t know what to say, stay present in silence. Merge with your child. Find out of what he’s interested in that moment. When he’s had your attention, then you can ask for his. Many people mention they feel softer when they do this. Even if your child wants to do something else, you’ll likely be able to better understand that intention rather than thinking that he’s ignoring requests or doesn’t communicate.

Sometimes I ask myself, “why do I have to (always) be the one to listen to others first?” Does that happen to you too? The words “always” and “listen” are dead giveaways here. “Always” alerts me that my emotional intensity is so high that my ability to listen is compromised. When we’re excited in any way (e.g., angry or elated), then our attention is on what we’re excited about. “Listen” is my red flag that I need to be heard. Can I journal, take a breath, connect with my own feelings and needs, or call up a friend who can listen to me? Can my kids hear me first? Katy Dawson, a teacher in California, once taught me a phrase that buys me time when I want to listen to another person and I need to get into that space. If you notice your child is feeling grumpy, you want to know more, and don’t know what to say ask, try “Are you feeling frustrated because it didn’t work out the way you wanted?”

For many people just starting to parent compassionately, doing this in the moment is challenging, if not downright impossible. So, choose a quiet moment to look at a conflict that you’re still feeling charged about. Play it again in your mind and on paper using the steps listed above. Continue to practice in this way even after you sharpen your skills. If you’re like me and felt resistant to writing things down, I urge you to keep journaling or record yourself somehow. Our habitual thoughts will prevail if we don’t slow them down long enough to look at them consciously. Try it and see. If you’re still having difficulty remembering what it’s like to be heard, to understand, or have experienced trauma, please consider calling up a coach or therapist. I offer 1 free hour of coaching for new clients. You’ll get a chance to be heard and move forward on some aspect of your relationships.