Archive for July, 2009
Shared Power, Deep Shifts and Restorative Circles for Families- Part 2
Friday, July 31st, 2009 | Dominic Barter, Family Life, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, anger management, conflict exploration | No Comments
Who doesn’t want parenting to be easier? But what does that mean given intense emotional reactions that spring up seemingly out of the blue and the challenges of everyday family life? Is it even possible for children and adults to share power while we are leaders in our families?
Well, I found out that we can be equally powerful one morning in June. I saw my 2 1/2 year old son carrying my eye glasses and a fork in one hand. I felt livid imagining not being able to use my glasses again and noticed I blamed my son. I stood in the kitchen, witnessed my anger inside, while my oldest children (7 and 10 years) looked at me. Suddenly, I had the idea to request a Restorative Circle (RC). I could see that my ability to hear was diminished by my emotional intensity. That meant that I would need some help being heard. I made this request of my oldest children. To my surprise, both children said “yes”. My 10 year old daughter turned to me and asked, “So, how do we do that?” I said, “Just do what you’ve seen me do over the last couple of days.” I thought, “Not a do-able request, I know…but it was the best I could come up with at the time.” To my surprise again, she replied confidently, “okay.”
My two children eagerly co-facilitated a circle. It looked rather fun for them even though I was still feeling uncomfortable. It wasn’t for long. My young children empathized with my feelings, understanding my needs for order and ease. They also gave me space to share how I also saw my son’s needs for fun and my love for him. Holding emotional space for me and him was the challenge for me. Once I received this gift of empathy, I re-connected with my littlest who was cowering in fear. I’m sure it was in reaction to the look of rage on my face earlier when I saw him do what he did. After the circle, hearing how I was, and what my son was likely looking for when he was carrying my glasses and the fork in one hand, we hugged and kissed. Total time: about 10 minutes.
Some days we are unable to do spontaneous circles. Any one of us may be too tired or focused on other things. My family seems to generally trust our needs are important. Even though we can’t always listen in the way that we would like and take a break to regain calm again, we mostly trust that we can work things out together. When we forget, there seems to be someone else, at some point, helping us to remember. I am so grateful for that!
One day, the kids and I were heading out the door when conflict happened. Unable to focus our attention on a circle, my older son grabbed a pen, paper, and wrote his name to request a circle later. He seemed relieved to write this note. Then, he turned to his younger brother with whom he just had the conflict and figured out a way to move forward (i.e., to get out the door). I read the note next morning when I was able to facilitate a circle. When I asked my son about it, he said there was no conflict. He threw out the note.
I trust myself and my kids to value and know how to meet our needs even if we haven’t got a clue in any given moment. Those moments of uncertainty are tough and uncomfortable. I’m learning everyday to feel more comfortable with my discomfort and seeing these feelings in a restorative way.
I’m wondering if you’re wondering, “How this is possible?” If you’re experiencing intense conflict or exhaustion, this experience can seem too unreal to imagine. I advise you to get the rest and help you need before trying this on your own. Sharing power with my kids means that I feel vulnerable to change. I don’t have all the answers. I bring my curiosity and care. I’m often raw and unsure. This is so rich for me as long as I see it as an adventure. As long as I do, I feel powerful, confident, and can acknowledge my children’s power and choice. When I don’t, I get help just like anyone else.
Restorative Circles made my parenting easier because the questions and structure developed by Dominic Barter were easy enough for my eldest children to learn from a couple of 10 minute discussions and watching me over 2 days. We still need lots of practice. I notice more ease to understand myself and my family. I’m not getting stuck on communicating in the “right way” as much as I used to. Instead, checking for the meaning underlying what we do and say has become easier. Rather than trying to fix a situation, even if it’s mine, I know I can witness what’s going on for me, be gentle with myself, ask for help, and trust that all is well. Pain is important and, I dare say necessary, for learning.
I am grateful for my experiences with Restorative Circles, Dominic Barter and his team for the inspiration I have about shared power, family relationships, and communication. For more information about Restorative Circles being developed by Dominic Barter, please contact him at contact@restorativecircles.org or www.twitter.com/restoracircles. To learn more about Nonviolent Communication and how to value and communicate all our needs, please visit www.cnvc.org.
Restorative Circles for Families- Part 1
Tuesday, July 7th, 2009 | Dominic Barter, Family Life, Restorative Circles, anger management, conflict exploration | No Comments
I am excited to tell you about how Restorative Circles (RC) have helped our family understand each other and learn from our conflicts more easily. The Restorative System and Process support mutual understanding, self-responsibility, and the co-creation of action steps to restore dignity and relationships with little to no communication skills training.
Within a few days after my 2 day introduction and 3 day facilitator training with Dominic Barter from Brazil, my children and I were able to use the RC process with great success. Even though I had learned about Nonviolent Communication (NVC, www.cnvc.org) 6 years ago, Barter’s work made NVC more concrete for me. I especially enjoyed that there are no assumptions that people can communicate. If we could communicate, we’d likely be doing something other than being in conflict.
Dominic Barter draws on his extensive training and experience in Restorative Practices (www.twitter.com/restoracircles and contact@restorativecircles.org) and Nonviolent Communication (NVC, www.cnvc.org). I believe he has managed to develop a simple and effective way for communities and families to experience and learn from painful conflict. Circle participants share how they were impacted by an act. There is an actor, a direct recipient of the act, and a community (e.g., family, friends, social group, neighbours, etc.). All participants dialogue in a personal capacity, no matter what roles people play outside the circle. Circles provide valuable opportunities to hear how others have been impacted and what each person was looking for at the time they chose to say or do what they did.
NVC helps me make sense of what I sense, feel, and need, so that I can make do-able requests of myself and others. I needed another way to transform my conflicts when they came up. I also wanted an easy way to explore conflict without always being “in charge”. That is, the one others look to for what to say and do next. I wanted shared power and responsibility. I found it in Restorative Circles.
I intended on sharing my RC experiences with my family in the spirit of partnership rather than “Mommy is going to tell us what to do to.” My initial intention was to observe conflict in our home and initiate dialogues to examine what we all perceive and how we might create a space for shared power and collaboration. I began thinking about ways to set up a Restorative System at home.
I woke up the first morning after the training and connected with each of my 4 kids after being away. Within an hour, conflict was ignited. My 10 year old daughter placed a cup on the table that tipped and spilled onto her younger sister (4 years). My sons (7 and 2 years) and I saw the act. I stayed focused on the questions that Dominic Barter shared with us in our training: 1) What do you want to say? (ie., What would you, the speaker, like known about how you are now in relation to the event and its consequences?) 2) What did you hear? (asked of the listener) and 3) Is that it? (asked of the speaker). Each speaker decides if he or she was heard in the way they intended.
It was hard to stay focused. Many times I wanted to direct the conversation and then refocused myself on the questions and tracked meaning. I noticed some of us wanted to move to action plans while others wanted mutual understanding. Self-responsibility wove in and out as each person understood why they did what they did. Eventually my discomfort subsided, I noticed a shift in the group energy (led mostly by my 7 year old son) to create an action plan. We did that and we checked in to see if everyone was satisfied with the outcome. We were. Total time was less than 15 minutes. We’ve had several more circles. Most circles take less than 20 minutes. Only one lasted 30 minutes.
Next time, I will share my wonderful shift in consciousness as a mother as a result of using Restorative Circles.
You may contact Dominic Barter at: contact@restorativecircles.org or www.twitter.com/restoracircles.