Compassion In Action

When Empathy might not be the most Life-Serving Response

Monday, June 15th, 2009 | connection | No Comments

by NVC Trainer Jeff Brown from Columbus, Ohio.

(reprinted with permission)

Empathy is such a precious quality, that it almost always enriches life for both the giver and the receiver. There are a few situations, however, where being empathic might not be the most optimal choice.

As an attempt to preserve the beauty of empathy, I offer a few examples where I believe an alternate response will usually serve us   better:

SITUATION: You feel resentful or irritated when you imagine offering your empathic presence to another.

ALTERNATE RESPONSE: Remind yourself that the only way that empathy connects is when the listener is acting out of the joy of giving, and is meeting his or her own needs by offering the empathic presence. In other words, empathy is not a commodity that we “dole out,” but rather a compassionate embrace of the other that enriches our life.

SITUATION: You are too upset or triggered in that moment to genuinely offer your empathic presence.

ALTERNATE RESPONSE: Take a time out. Take a deep breath. Shine the light of empathy on yourself (”self-empathy”). Connect with your own feelings, needs and requests, and/or ask another person (not the person who triggered you) you trust to listen to you with empathy.

SITUATION: When you want to share your own truth with the person.

ALTERNATE RESPONSE: Express yourself honestly to them. This sometimes involves “Screaming Compassionately,” as in, “I am overwhelmed and needing to take care of myself, and I am not able to hear you right now! Can we talk again after dinner?”

SITUATION: The other person has a need that is more alive than empathy, such as information, clarity or honesty.

ALTERNATE RESPONSE: Tune in to the person’s present-moment need(s), and respond accordingly. rather than defaulting to or assuming that empathy is always the primary need. It can be extremely irritating to receive empathy - particularly the verbal reflection of feelings and needs - when another need is alive.

SITUATION: You fear for your physical safety or security.

ALTERNATE RESPONSE: Get out of there immediately and go to a safe place.

SITUATION: A person is behaving in a physically violent manner, and you believe there is imminent danger to yourself, others, or to the person him or herself.

ALTERNATE RESPONSE: Protective use of Force. In an emergency situation, if you are able to, use force to stop the person from causing harm. Once the person is restrained and safety is restored, be prepared to empathically connect with the person.

________________________________________

Jeff Brown lives in Columbus, Ohio and has been a Certified NVC Trainer since 2005. Jeff has led NVC trainings in 17 states and 4 countries, and was recently hired as the Executive Director of Compassionate Communication of Central Ohio: www.nvcohio.org

Contact Jeff Brown, Executive Director, Compassionate Communication of Central Ohio [www.nvcohio.org] Columbus, Ohio, USA Certified Trainer, Center for Nonviolent Communication [www.cnvc.org] 614-432-8830 home/work ~ 812-320-3842 cell www.heartfeltcommunication.com

Overcoming the Challenges of Connection in Family Relationships

Monday, June 15th, 2009 | Family Life, anger management, conflict exploration, connection | No Comments

I’ve got a few more boxes to sort after putting all the summer clothes into kids’ drawers. Phew! I’m taking a break this week to learn how to make a movie. Next week, I’m learning more about Restorative Circles with Dominic Barter in Toronto, Ontario (contact (at) restorativecircles.org). In the midst of this, my littlest talks over everyone most of the time. Meaningful conversation and connection is a real challenge these days! Gotta love toddlers.

I read somewhere that our families push our buttons because they put them there. Family relationships provide the best catalyst for personal growth because  all our beliefs, attachments, feelings, needs, strengths, and limitations will be challenged.

“Human relationships are the perfect tool for sanding away our rough edges and getting at the core of divinity within us.” Eknath Easwaran

Sometimes we’re afraid to connect with our kids or spouse because they may say something that triggers our guilt, sadness, or pain. Other times when we genuinely seek to connect, the other person perceives it as interrogation or therapy. Perhaps we dread having a difficult conversation because “it always ends up the same way”. This can be especially true for parents seeking divorce, enduring a stressful or transitional time, grieving from the death of a loved on, or becoming a parent after a significant painful event. Some of us worry that we’re “bad parents” or we don’t want to cause our children pain.  Is it a fear, “maybe I won’t measure up to the latest parenting advice”? Is it a fear of not being able to be heard or effectively advocate for ourselves. Limiting beliefs can lead us to feel sensitive and want to defend ourselves.

Here  are  10  tips to Overcome the Challenges of Connection in Family Relationships. This list is definitely not exhaustive. Continue to add to it by examining all the conditions that support connection so that you can do more of that every day.

1. No one is perfect. Even the best parents, spouses, and communicators make mistakes. We all make mistakes even when we’re doing our best.

2. You’ve already had so much success in your life. Begin to notice all the ways that you meet your needs. Look at what you’ve managed to accomplish so far! Whatever comes along, you can find the resources you need to solve any problem and manage any feeling.

3. Sometimes all we need is to grieve a loss (e.g., separation, death, disappointment) with someone there to listen to us. That’s all.

4.  Whatever  anyone  says, don’t take it personally. Criticism is the expression of unmet needs and painful feelings. What we feel is our response to the world. The world doesn’t cause our pain. There are as many sides to a story as there are people perceiving the event.
If you offer empathy and your spouse says (as mine did), “Don’t talk to me that way!” then perhaps he’s looking for reassurance of authentic connection and trust. Hear the needs, not the criticism and you’ll likely get the connection you’re looking for.

5. Many of us feel overwhelmed by painful feelings and want to make them go away. Feelings are our bodies way of informing us of our needs. The best way to meet our needs is to welcome and listen to our feelings without judgment.
When you still find this difficult, seek the help of someone who is willing to witness and listen.

6. Family life means change. Change involves grief. Grief involves feeling and integrating. Give yourself time to integrate new circumstances.

7. Listen to your children even when what they say is hard to hear. Learn to feel comfortable living outside your comfort zone for awhile until you understand what’s at the heart of the matter. The initial discomfort will pass as you understand and integrate new information.

8.  Talk  about  things  that  are  troubling  you  even when you feel uncomfortable. Most things left unspoken and hidden will cause conflict at some point.

9. Don’t criticize your spouse in front of your kids or tell everyone what you think of so-and-so. Taking care of yourself and your needs is about discerning who to tell and when. If you’re having trouble with your spouse, talk with him or her directly after getting clear about what you’re feeling and needing. Speak with a trusted friend, coach, or therapist first so that you can articulate yourself clearly and advocate for you needs effectively.

10. Laugh at yourself. When your kids call each other “stupid”, share times when you were stupid too. I can think of lots of times when I was stupid, lazy, smart, fast, slow…and none of those times defined who I am. Admit when you make mistakes, laugh, and do a “do-over”.

With warmth until next week,
Wendy