Compassion In Action

Co-operation

Sunday, May 17th, 2009 | connection | No Comments

This week my bedroom is wall-to-wall kid’s clothes as I sort through closets and drawers. We’re in the midst of our semi-annual clothes clean-up. We pass on clothes that don’t fit anymore, put away clothes for the fall, and try to find summer clothes that fit. I know I’ll feel so satisfied when I have my room back!

Attention: Parents of teens and older children.

I’m looking for stories from families with great relationships. What makes family relationships work? What doesn’t work? What advice would you give to a parent who is struggling to get along with their kids?

Have you heard that before? I also hear about how uncooperative kids are and “If I could only get my kids to co-operate, then I’d be happy!”

When my parents used to tell me, “do what I say, not what I do”, I felt unsettled. Maybe, I felt confused. I can’t really remember. I do remember that I sometimes felt resentful and did what they said anyway just to get them off my backs and avoid punishment. Knowing now how much they loved me, I’m certain they wished I felt more joy. They didn’t know about partnership parenting. Instead, I’m sure they hoped to have power over me like many parents of their time. Today, I seek to invite everyone in my family to co-operate out of joy and contribution rather than resentment and avoidance.

So, I ask, what does “co-operate” mean?

co-operate: the act of working together, especially for mutual benefit

Co = together; Operate = to do something

If I demand that my children do what I say, without question, this is not inviting them to work together. There is no “co” in co-operate if I’m just telling my children what to do.

Recently, my oldest daughter expressed her dissatisfaction about cleaning up the bedroom “all by herself again”. Can you hear the long sigh? I could see that she wanted company and co-operation. I went in to the room and invited the other kids to help clean up. In a few minutes, the room was cleaned and we all had some fun while we did it.

Another time, I asked the kids to clean the living room while I cleaned the kitchen. One child asked me, “why should we clean up the living room when you’re not doing anything?”

I checked in with him that co-operation was important. I shared with him what I was envisioning: that we were sharing the tasks of cleaning two rooms. I asked if he preferred to do the dishes and sweeping while I cleaned the living room and he said that he preferred to do the living room. The rooms were cleaned shortly afterwards with no hassle.

It would seem that cooperation is important for all of us. I think our children, like us, need reassurance from time to time that we’re not alone and that we’re here to help each other.

Sometimes, I specifically ask for obedience. When we’re heading out the door quickly or doing something that I don’t want to stop because it will impact other members of the family in ways we won’t enjoy, then I ask that we move forward and take the time to negotiate or talk about what needs are not met after there is obedience.

I don’t do this often. Maybe less than 5% of the time. Sometimes, we ask our children to do what we say for the sake of safety or ease. I’ve learned that kids raised in a home where partnerships are valued speak out when their needs are not met. This speaking out takes some adults off guard. Please do not mistake self-advocacy for being disrespectful or uncooperative. These children generally trust that their needs matter and when it really counts, we’ll be there to respect their needs as equal to our own. My older kids (7 and 10) understand now that group momentum and compliance is easier for all of us sometimes.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Imagine someone demanding that you be co-operative…which is short-hand for obedience. You may have a boss or teacher like that. You probably don’t enjoy it. Everyone needs choice and to matter. The same is true for children.

Frankly, if you want your children to be cooperative, then be co-operative. Children learn to co-operate by living with co-operative adults. Co-operation works both ways. Gandhi invited us to be the change we want to see in the world. “What we are teaches the child far more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become.” Joseph Chilton Pearce.

Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson in Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids writes this about using power-over with children: ” Parents with this orientation spend a lot of their time lecturing, advising, arguing, analyzing, and, in what ever ways, trying to manage the behavior of their children to fit a set of expectations they accept as the right and only way to do things…using phrases like you have to, you must, you ought to, and you should.”

If you want parenting to be easier, don’t spend one minute trying to make your children do what you think they should do. Aim for co-operation instead. People will follow through with agreements if they are do-able and they are motivated. We can’t motivate people. Motivation comes from within. What we can do is figure out what will motivate people to keep their commitments and do that.

What do you notice when you or someone you know spends their time policing their kids to be sure they’re doing what they’re told?

What does co-operation look like for you?

Name one thing you can do this week to put “co” into co-operation?

Bedtime is a connection time

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009 | connection | No Comments

I’m delighted to share this article written by a colleague and Certified NVC Trainer, Inessa Love. Please read all the way to the bottom about the Family Heart Camp she’s co-cordinating this summer, July 10-18th, 2009 near Washington, DC.

Bedtime is a connection time

As most parents could relate to, bedtime is a fertile ground for disagreements. Kids usually don’t like going to bed – they enjoy every minute of their day and feel great resistance to stop all the excitement just to go to sleep. Such a contrast with us, adults, who are often overworked, overtired, under-rested and can’t wait to hit the pillow, only to find out we are too exhausted to sleep. This evening the bedtime did not promise to be much fun- it was late and I was tired, but my four year old son had different plans for the night.
 
That evening he got a new boat – it is a ferry boat that has a ramp that lowers down to allow the cars to drive up and take a ride on the boat. We played for a long time with it in the pool this evening. But now it was 9pm, just about the time I like to see him in bed. My idea was to get ready for bed quickly because it was already “too late.” But his idea was to get the bathtub full of water and play with the new boat some more.
 
“Let’s play just a little bit in the bath tub, just a tiny little bit,” he pleaded.
 
“No, I said, I am tired, and want to get some rest, let’s get ready for bed” I said, noticing that he was on the verge of crying. “OK,” I tried to compromise – “let’s play for a few minutes with the new boat in your room, here on the carpet.”
 
“Noooo, he says, starting to cry, it’s a boat, we need to play in the water, it cannot go on the carpet.” I see the meltdown coming.
 
“Wait,” I said, “let me think about it.” He stops crying, I guess he trusts that when I say “let me think about it,” I will consider what he wants with care. I am pleased with that. He is learning that I mean what I say. Nice.
 
I really think about an option to let him play in the bathtub, and calculate it might take some 20-30 extra minutes; bath time is really a big deal for him, and it’s really hard to get him out of the bath tub, he likes it so much. I really don’t want to do that. But I see his point.
 
“You know, it makes sense that you’d like to play in the water because it is a boat, I understand why you want it.” I can really see why this is important. He looks pleased that I understand his needs. Then I have an idea.
 
“I have an idea, do you want to hear it?” He agrees. “How about this: as soon as you wake up in the morning we will fill the tub with water and play with your boat.” I tried to find a solution that might work for both of us – for him to meet his needs for play in ways that he would most enjoy, and for me to meet my needs for ease, rest and harmony in the evening.
 
“Let me think about it,” he said and paused, just like I did a moment ago, to consider what I said. “Wow,” I thought to myself, “he is catching up, he is considering my idea.” I was glad that he was willing to think about it. 
 
“I have another idea,” he said, “how about we pretend this is an airplane and play for a little bit in the room on the carpet.”
 
“I like your idea, I agree.” I said.
 
I was amazed that he was able to find another solution – a very creative solution, I must say. If this toy is an airplane, it does not need the water! So he was able to agree to play in his room, as I suggested earlier. What he really did was to find a way to meet both of our needs- a way for him to play that is fun for him, and a way that considers my needs that would be met by for going to bed earlier rather then later.
 
That is the essence of the process that I study and teach, called Nonviolent Communication: understanding what both people’s needs are and finding creative solutions to meet them. We really can do this, as my 4 year old had just demonstrated to me. I now feel more confident that with Nonviolent Communication, a bedtime could be a time for connection, fun, play and learning and I trust that we can find creative solutions to meet everyone’s needs.
 
About the Author:
Inessa Love is a certified trainer with the Center for Nonviolent Communication. She is the founder of the newsletter www.ConnectionTimes.org which offers inspirational stories and advice on improving any personal and professional relationships. She is organizing and NVC Family Camp, a week-long immersion in Nonviolent Communication for Families that will take place on July 10-18 near Washington DC: www.FamilyHEARTCamp.org

Honesty

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009 | Uncategorized, connection, couples | No Comments

After a busy week, I’ve decided to try something new. Thank you to those of you who requested shorter newsletters to read…for us parents with so little time.
Here it goes…

Today, I am so grateful that my husband honestly expressed his disappointment about some aspect of our relationship. It wasn’t easy to hear. I felt really sad to hear it. To relieve that sadness and restore connection, we wanted to find ways to better meet our needs. So, we went out to dinner and made concrete plans to find more time for ourselves no matter what.

Honesty: communicating and acting truthfully

How comfortable are you with being honest?
How comfortable are you hearing your partner’s or kid’s honesty?
How do you show you love each other no matter what?
What do you do to keep your relationship strong?

“Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.” Mahatma Gandhi

“Each difficult moment has the potential to open my eyes and open my heart.” Myla Kabat-Zinn

“Only when your beloved trusts that her expression of either “no” or “yes” will maintain the same quality of connection between you both, can there be deep safety in the relationship” Kelly Bryson, “Don’t be Nice, Be Real”