Compassion In Action

Managing Family Life

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009 | Family Life | No Comments

Have you got too many balls in the air like I do?

Being a parent these days often means being pulled in a million directions at once. Maybe both parents work outside the home or you’re a single parent trying to make ends meet. A typical day might be this: waking up tired, scarfing down breakfast, getting dressed, finishing homework from the night before, and hurrying yourself and the kids out the door for work and school. If you’re lucky, everyone arrives on time. Then you’re faced with meetings, project  deadlines,  and  a rush home to pick up the kids, have dinner together, go out for lessons or complete homework, and get to bed to do it all again tomorrow. Phew!

A  father once asked me with dismay, “How do I make the time to really connect with my kids?”

We all have 24 hours in every day. What we do with that time is up to us. What do you choose? Here’s a place to start.

1) What qualities do I want to see in my children when they are adults?

2) Now, take all those qualities and values and re-write them as “I value ________.”

For example, “I value honesty.” or “I value meaningful and satisfying work.”

3) Tweak your statements in #2 and re-write them as “I choose to ____(one realistic action)___ because I value ___(from #2)___.”

For example, “I choose to speak the truth because I value honesty.” or “I choose  to do work that brings me joy and satisfaction because I value meaningful and satisfying work.” Be as specific as possible. Try something like, “I choose to wash the dishes to music after dinner because I value being able to have clean dishes when I need them and have fun at the same time.”

4) What are you going to do to hold yourself accountable and do what you say you want to do?

5) Driving in the fast lane all the time deprives us of our creativity and access to our inner wisdom. When our brains get rest, they function better. Take time to rest, do something you enjoy for yourself, and say “no” to tasks that don’t serve your values.

Today, I had a day of silence for myself. I feel refreshed and rested. I’m writing this blog while sitting outside with the kids. My head is clear. Just so you know, I’m not always living in balance. Just last week, I felt out of control. So, I took the time to discern what tasks bring me joy and which ones drain me. I got some coaching to help me see my needs with eyes of an objective observer. After a few changes in my schedule, I’m living more in balance. That’s why I took this day of silence.

What brings you joy?

What could you say “no” to, to make your life more manageable?

What’s one thing you can do today to bring more joy and balance into your life?

For those of you who are like me and resist saying “no” because life is so darn exciting, have patience with yourself and get support. You can do it! Perhaps I’ll blog about that someday.

Teens Relate Best When Emotional Needs Met

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009 | Emotional Intelligence through the years, Teens, connection | No Comments

“You’re too protective!” “You don’t listen to me!” “Get the &%$# out of my room!” “You’re not the boss of me!” How do we make sense of it? How do we connect with our teenagers?

Most teens I’ve met mistrust adults. Heck, most adults I meet mistrust teens. I imagine teens thinking sarcastically… “oh great, here’s another adult telling me what to do!” I’ve heard both adults and teens say, “He doesn’t listen to me!”

I don’t blame them. I felt the same way when I was their age…angry, hesitant, and aloof. My teen years were challenging for both me and my parents. I swore and yelled at them. Sometimes my parents fought back. Sometimes they left me alone. Eventually, I left my parents for 8 years to seek the company of my peers who would listen to me. I was also influenced by the self-growth movement of the 80s that encouraged me to blame my parents to reclaim power.

So, where does the mistrust come from? We know statistically, as children get older, parents tend to correct and direct rather than appreciate. This conveys our lack of trust and takes responsibility for how our children behave. Examine how you feel when you are corrected. How do you feel when someone wants to spend time with you just for fun? What happens when you get more of one than the other?

Adolescence is a natural human transition. The integration of reason and feelings can cause rocky, rapid changes. At this time, most development is done without parents. Teen rage and ambivalence speaks to me about needs to be heard, to matter, and to be accepted no matter what. We don’t have to tolerate how our children treat us AND we can accept what needs everyone is trying to meet. I assume teenagers don’t trust me and I begin by earning their trust. How? By listening deeply and loving them unconditionally.

These are some of the needs I listen for:
1. self-discovery: spiritual, emotional, physical, mental, sexual, and social
2. adventure and learning: exploring identities and ideas makes them seem highly critical
3. autonomy: choice, freedom to decide what’s best for them, competence, and self-empowerment
4. interdependence: learning when and how to ask for help, belonging, acceptance, separation
5. self-assertion: self-awareness of unique talents, self-expression, and developing relationship skills
6. Trust, understanding, and loving guidance to achieve their goals on their own terms

Can you think of ways your teenager has tried to meet these needs? What did you observe? What worked for him? What didn’t work for him? What triggered you? What would you do to restore trust?

“The secret of effective parenting is much more in the nature of the child’s relationship with the parent than in the skills of the parent. Behind every successful parenting experience is a good working attachment between a child and a parent.” Drs. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté in Hold On To Your Kids

How can parents restore connection?

You’re not alone if you’re struggling with teen years. As your child experiments with new skills, there will be many times when you won’t understand her. She’ll come and go without you.

Please remember that you still matter even though your role has changed from being the centre of her universe to trusted guide and coach. You’re not going to be the only person your child talks to for support and guidance. Rest assured, although you won’t always understand your child, you can stay curious. Don’t give up on your desire to understand just because it’s hard.

Here are 6 ways to connect and make a positive difference in your teen’s life.

1) Treat your teenager the way you would like to be treated.
You might be saying, “I’m not going to stand by and listen to my 15 year old swear at me!” Before interpreting her reaction, observe what happened before she yelled. What was in your tone? Did she have a bad day? Did you demand something instead of asking? Think about what you enjoy and how you would treat a friend. If your child seems grumpy, offer a caring listening ear. Most people enjoy greeting each other when they come in the door or when they wake up. What’s the first thing you do together after you’ve been apart? Is it friendly?
As I mentioned above, earn each other’s trust and share the ways you enjoy your child? Honestly express what it is that your child has done to help meet your needs. Share how you feel about that. With no strings attached, appreciation is a simple, safe, and happy way to connect with each other.

2) Resist the urge to fix mistakes or make painful feelings go away.
Focus on connection and understanding. After you listen closely to your child, share your values in much the same way you would share your values with a friend…brief and nonjudgmental. Be honest, talk about specific actions, your feelings and needs, and make specific realistic requests. Resist the urge to sway your child to make choices you would make. As long as their choice is safe, let them make mistakes and learn from them. Our children, like us, enjoy a trusted guide who is willing to listen to our upset when we make mistakes. Show your confidence that your child can learn and make other choices.

So, in the example of your swearing teenager, you might first listen to her needs. Some good questions include: How do you feel about that? What are you needing? What worked for you? What didn’t work for you? What are you going to do about that? Remember to stay curious. When she feels calmer or has some idea of what to do next, you might request that she not swear at you next time. What would you request to make it easier for you to hear her needs next time? When you listen closely to the needs under the swear words and demands, your child eventually won’t need to make demands to be heard.

Children who are unconditionally loved and accepted when they express their joy and their pain, grow up to be cooperative and compassionate. Since they are used to managing their emotions, they don’t need drugs to numb pain. This unconditional acceptance builds strong attachment and resilience to stress. Tears are healing. If more people felt at ease to express their intense emotions in close relationships, I’m convinced we would see a reduction in violence everywhere.

3) Listen without judgment and see the challenges from your teen’s perspective.
Assume he has the best intent and revisit the needs I listed above. What would it take for you to genuinely open your heart to connect with your teenager? Give your child the gift of your presence, your care, your emotional warmth, and fun. This will convey that he matters. Honour and nurture your child by being a witness for him. Likely, none of his friends know him in the way that you do. You have special shared experiences. Heart connection helps meet needs for belonging and acceptance.

4) Model compassion, self-care, and interdependence.
Your child is still watching you to see how to manage emotions. Although you’re not the expert anymore, your presence can help provide structure and context. When your child feels lost and confused (which often looks like anger and depression), you can help him to uncover his own inner wisdom and offer your assistance. When we do that, we invite him to trust us. When we don’t do that, he may seek peer companionship for order and belonging. It’s okay for a teenager to want a parent’s help. We all seek interdependence…to give and receive from others. You’ll hear how stupid and over-protective parents are. Don’t take it personally. Friends will often show solidarity and support in this way.

“Perhaps we think that if we don’t push a little, they will never leave the nest. Human beings are not like birds in this respect. The more children are pushed, the tighter they cling—or, failing that, they nest with someone else.” Drs. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté in Hold On To Your Kids

5) Safety and peace of mind are met when you know your child’s friends, their parents, and the other adults in your teen’s life who share similar family values. Your child is going to seek out the guidance of other adults and peers. You can surround yourself and your family with a caring community who can support your child. This community can come from friends, a faith community, school, neighbourhood, or other social group.

I wish you and your family deep connection, understanding, and adventure.