Archive for March, 2009
Emotional Intelligence and Toddlers
Monday, March 30th, 2009 | Emotional Intelligence through the years | No Comments
This week, I received a couple of questions about toddlers who hit and bite from parents wondering how to teach their youngsters about emotional intelligence. I also received similar questions about teens which I will cover in next week’s blog.
I was drawn to the toddler questions when my youngest son Rowan, now 2 1/2 years, came to me and said, “me sad ‘bout Malcolm do dat”. His older brother was crying after being hit in the head by a hard block. Clearly, Rowan had expressed his dissatisfaction with being told “no” by throwing a block at his older brother Malcolm. After spending a few minutes checking out Malcolm’s head, giving him a hug, and connecting with his hurt feelings, while Rowan was in my arms, I turned to Rowan. “Are you disappointed because you wanted to play?”, I asked. He said, “Ya ” and we shared big hugs. I shared that I would enjoy finding ways to play safely. “Could you have a gentle touch for Malcolm?”, I asked showing Rowan what that looked like. After a few minutes of hugs and gentle touching, Rowan felt energized and found something else to do. Malcolm re-directed himself and was playing with his own toys by himself the way he wanted.
As a parent, you can keep physical health, safety, and emotional well-being in mind while honouring the needs of your growing toddler. Toddlers are focused on meeting three basic needs:
1. Autonomy: choosing what to do, freedom to decide what’s best for them, adventure, and self-empowerment
2. Independence and interdependence: competence, learning to do things on their own, and learning when to ask for help
3. Self-assertion: growing self-awareness and unique talents, self-expression, developing language skills, determined to do things their own way, and wanting to help out
Can you now imagine why hearing “no” is one of the most difficult messages for toddlers to hear? Toddlers also have a growing interest in other children like themselves. So, as much as they want to be with other toddlers, parallel play (playing side-by side) is more successful than sharing together since conflict over belongings can’t be completely eliminated. So, frustration and anger is a result of constantly learning new things, wanting to choose what to do, and having little to no self-regulation.
It’s no wonder the language of toddlers includes: “no”, “mine”, “me do” or “do by myself”. The toddler rules of ownership according to author John Gottman (a) are: “1) If I see it, it’s mine; 2) If it’s yours and I want it, it’s mine; and 3) If it’s mine, it’s mine forever.”
How can parents help?
You’ve probably heard it before. This time is so precious and it will pass by quickly. It will. Meanwhile, some days you’re ready to pull out your hair, cry, or run out of the park in embarrassment because you can’t believe your little angel just took a chunk out of his best friend.
Here are 5 tried and true ways to help you and your toddler survive these months.
1) Listen closely and see the challenges from your toddler’s perspective. See what needs he is trying to meet and assume he has the best intent. Revisit the needs I listed above.
2) Accept and acknowledge feelings and needs not only with your words; but also with all your heart and body. You’ve probably heard me say before that 90-95% of our communication is in our body, tone, and mannerisms. If you’re only paying lip service to your child’s present needs, she’ll see right through you. Your child wants all of you. Our children ask for nothing less than our presence.
Labeling feelings can be helpful in the same way we label inanimate objects. For example, your child says “baw” and you respond, “yes, that’s a ball.” However, with feelings, you “point” to the sensation best with your connection and presence. You’ll notice a shift in your toddler’s body language when that connection is made. I notice a deep sigh or my child’s body will sink into mine if I’m holding him. Let the tears flow. On average, when we allow the expression of feelings like frustration or sadness, they are released within a few minutes. You can try saying “Do you want to show how sad you feel?” or “Are you so, so sad?”
3) Model emotional intelligence and self-care.
Toddlerhood is a time when symbolic and pretend play is emerging. Toddlers act out behaviours and words observed from family members and friends. They are able to remember events and imitate them later. Your toddler is watching you to see how to manage emotions and meet needs.
This is where the rubber meets the road. This is where parents say they have the most difficulty. Bear in mind, you’re likely going to find steps one and two difficult if you’re exhausted and criticizing yourself. Taking care of yourself is one of the most important ways you can contribute to your own well-being and take care of your family. That way you can take your time to figure out what needs of yours you want to meet, and make requests of your toddler that help move you in that direction. Please be compassionate with yourself though. Connection is more important than “getting it right”.
For example, if you want your child to fall asleep because you want alone time with your partner, be clear about that within yourself. Your toddler is unlikely to understand it. However, if you try to tell him that getting to sleep is better for him, he’ll read your body language and detect you’re lying. Instead, identify the needs that you want to meet and how you want to contribute to your child’s well-being and come from that energy. The congruence of the messages from your body and your words will invite relaxation. Now, it’s up to your toddler of course.
4) Safety and peace of mind are met when a stimulating and safe environment is available for toddler to explore and play in. When you offer choices, offer two or three real choices keeping your needs in mind.
In my first example, I connected with the needs of both boys while ensuring safety. Rowan was kept safely in my arms. He could see my concern for his older brother and my desire to connect with each of them about what needs they were each trying to meet. When a toddler hits or bites, they’re expressing frustration and disappointment. To gain some time to connect and help yourself feel calmer, try a catch phrase that teacher Katy Dawson once shared with me…“Do you feel frustrated because it didn’t work out they way you hoped?”
I found this strategy works well if biting and hitting are occasional and if older children are armed with the knowledge to protect themselves if they see any sign of hitting or biting. If biting or hitting is common, begin to watch for signs that biting may occur and step in before that. Step in with gentleness and connection. You might take your toddler aside, give him a big hug, and ask him to show you the new toy he loves so much. When he shows you, ask him to show the friend. “Tell me all about it.” “Does your friend know that the toy can do that? Wow Fascinating!”
About choices, instead of asking “Will you brush your teeth now?” say, “It’s time to brush your teeth. To have fun with this, would you like to brush first or would you like for me to play the train game with you again?” (toothbrush train over the teeth, for example)
Instead of asking “Will you put on your coat to go outside?” say “It’s time to go outside. Would you like to wear your blue coat or your red coat and sweater?”
To reduce conflict over belongings, invite your toddler to choose toys they want to share. Putting the other toys away will help contribute to trust and empowerment. Be prepared to accept your toddler will change his mind. Don’t you change your mind once you implement a choice sometimes? What would she like to do about that now? If she asks for help, offer a couple of ideas that will work for the both of you.
5) Express appreciation.
Don’t praise You probably have read about the importance of praise for growing self-esteem. If self-esteem were the prize at the end of a maze and your child was the rat, then praise. Heathy self-esteem is our natural tendency and it’s not a prize. Our children see right through our manipulative efforts to make them feel a certain way about themselves. Praise erodes trust and self-confidence. Just don’t do it
Instead, appreciate. Honestly express what it is that your child has done to help meet your needs. Share how you feel about that. That’s it.
That last point is going to be a hard one for parents too. If you’ve read as many parenting books as I have and grown up as a by-product of behaviour theory, you’re going to be learning new habits. Rest assured, appreciation and gratitude is fuel for the heart and soul. The self growth movement urges people to write gratitude journals and recite affirmations with a heart of gratitude. If you’re interested in modeling emotional intelligence with your toddler, begin to share your feelings of gratitude and your met needs. We learn better in an environment that is fun, safe, and calm. Appreciating is all of those things.
Have fun. Learn and play together. Enjoy getting to know your toddler and taking care of yourself. Foster emotional intelligence by beginning to increase your awareness about your feelings and needs and share your learning with your child as you grow together.
Note (a) from Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, Ph.D.
Next Week: Compassionate Communication and Emotional Intelligence for Teens
I feel angry sometimes
Monday, March 23rd, 2009 | anger management | No Comments
This blog comes on the heels of a challenging week. As some of you know, I’m changing my relationship with food and exercise to support my health and fit into a pair of jeans I wore 2 ½ years ago. Along with that, my husband and I have a few encounters with government agencies and banks this week. Phew! So, I was blessed to have my own self-judgments and people around me to trigger my anger. It wasn’t easy and the payoff was great because I learned so much about myself and others. This article is my affirmation for compassionate communication even when I feel angry.
I am improving my communication skills and resolving conflicts peacefully and effectively.
Open and honest communication is essential to keep my relationships healthy. For this reason, I strive to keep the big picture in mind whenever I find myself in conflict with someone else. We can work out our differences when we trust that all needs and values will be respected and heard.
When I feel angry, I am probably feeling scared that my needs don’t matter. I’m likely disappointed that something hasn’t worked out the way I hoped. What keeps me from seeing the beauty of the relationship in moments of conflict? What needs of mine were not met? How can I value them now, so that I can listen to what this person is trying to say or do? When I feel angry with myself, how can I connect to the life in me rather than criticize myself?
When I feel angry, I step back from the situation to cool off before we discuss it further. I remember to breathe. I connect to my feelings and needs. I figure out why I am triggered by something someone else has said or done. Rarely do issues need to be resolved on the spot. Time away from the argument often makes communication and conflict productive. Sometimes, I call up a friend or life coach to help me to sort out my feelings and needs before I discuss anything. Then, we come back with a clearer idea of what’s important to us. Now, we can resolve the pain and restore goodwill. Conflict is an opportunity to learn when I choose to communicate consciously from my heart rather than react out of habit.
I accept that I feel angry sometimes. I know it is both impossible and unhealthy to hide from emotions. Anger is my emergency signal that I need to attend to my needs. If I detect anger early, I don’t need to blow my top. Without judging myself or others, I ask, “What am I also feeling, besides anger? What did I have in mind? How do I choose to meet my needs now?”
When I am ready to talk, I make sure to discuss our perceptions, feelings, and needs rather than attacking the person.
I remember that nurturing relationships is my long term goal. For this reason, I let go of any desires for revenge or being right. I put my focus on understanding and developing workable solutions. I tell other people how I feel and what I need. I remain open to hearing how others feel and what they value.
In the heat of the moment, my opinion always seems right. I recognize that there are always at least two sides to every story. Everyone’s needs matter. The best way to meet my needs is to consider the whole picture. That way nothing gets left out. Two (or more) heads are often better than one.
Although it’s hard to do sometimes, I assume everyone has the best intent. I don’t seek to make other people’s lives miserable. There is no reason to assume people are out to get me. I release my beliefs and language that imply that I am right and other people are wrong.
Because I treasure my relationships more than proving myself right, I make a conscious effort to facilitate communication and understanding, especially when I find myself in conflict.
Personal Reflections:
1. When I find myself in conflict, how do I take time to calm down so that I can respond consciously?
2. How do I show others that I value their point of view and respect their needs?
3. How do I reassure myself that I value and respect my needs?
4. How do I facilitate connection and understanding?
5. Am I willing to focus on the lasting health of my relationships rather than being right?
6. How can I detect the early stages of anger so that I can meet my needs without blowing up?
7. How do I make a conscious choice to respond compassionately from my heart rather than react defensively or habitually?
How to Say You’re Sorry-Mistakes Are the Fastest Way to Learn
Sunday, March 15th, 2009 | Making mistakes, connection | No Comments
It’s not easy to admit when you said or did something that didn’t work out the way you hoped. What do you do with your feelings of remorse or disappointment? How do you feel when you make a mistake or when others make mistakes? Your beliefs about mistakes can tell a lot about what you believe about yourself, your relationships, and your willingness to learn.
As a parent, when I admit to my kids I’ve made a mistake, it is the FASTEST way to restore connection. We can transform feelings of anger, sadness, and frustration into eagerness, calm and curiosity within a matter of seconds or minutes. When I feel guilty or embarrassed to admit my mistakes, I see how my fear contributes to more conflict and regret. What do you notice?
I’ve found that having a positive attitude toward slip-ups makes correcting them easier and quicker than if you deny it ever happened. If you never acknowledge your blunders, you’ll never be able to correct them.
“The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period on one’s life.” Dalai Lama
Who Makes Mistakes?
Let’s consider people you know and respect. Think of a time when they made a mistake. If you can’t think of anything, ask someone you trust about it. Did they “fess up” to their mistakes or did they try to hide them out of embarrassment? What happened?
“Sometimes when you innovate, you make mistakes. It is best to admit them quickly, and get on with improving your other innovations.” Steve Jobs, Founder of Apple Computers
What does a baby do when she’s learning to walk? She makes mistakes, doesn’t she? She falls down many, many times. Then she falls down some more until she learns how to walk. She does some of the same mistakes over and over again. Life is the same as it always has been since we were babies. Do not be afraid of making mistakes. Make lots of mistakes. Enjoy learning!
We all make mistakes.
When you make a mistake, it’s easy to ignore the problem or blame someone else for it. Unfortunately, if someone slips-up and tries to hide it, that’s when people begin to distrust them, not because they made the mistake in the first place! The problem with blame and shame is that they erode the trust others have in you a little more each time.
Beware the “Sorry” that Comes from Guilt
Chances are, when you made your mistake, you were not trying to make a mistake. You were trying to meet your needs in some way. Accidents, misunderstandings, and miscalculations happen. In either case, you’ll do as much harm to your relationship if you guilt yourself as you would for blaming the other person for the damage.
So, how do you say sorry without guilt? Research shows us that learning is best in a safe, calm, and familiar environment. Guilt and blame are neither calm nor safe. The optimal state for learning and growth is created when you combine the natural creative energy of the needs you were trying to meet, with your focus and accountability. If the conflict is too painful for you to connect with the energy of your needs or the needs of others, consider the help of a life coach, counselor, or empathetic friend to help you listen, and connect with your needs when you can’t.
What Helps When You Make Mistakes?
Admitting you’ve made a mistake is part of building a trusting relationship with yourself and others. By accepting that you did something that did not achieve the goals you were trying to meet, you’re reassuring yourself and others that you can take responsibility for your actions and the consequences that follow. Your powerful feelings of remorse and frustration are your body’s signals that you want to meet your needs in better ways.
“We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better.” Maya Angelou
Give yourself an opportunity to make amends!
Here are some simple steps you can take as soon as you realize you’ve made a mistake:
1. Accept what happened. Take responsibility for it. Taking ownership of the situation rather than trying to cover it up will restore trust in yourself and others. Every consequence is feedback about what works and what doesn’t.
2. Discuss it. Invite other people involved to talk about what happened, what you had in mind, why your strategy didn’t work, and offer a suggestion of how you might correct it.
3. Listen to the feelings and needs of others. How do they feel about what happened? What do they need? What would they like to do about it? Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?
4. Sincerely acknowledge other’s feelings and needs. Say sorry if that helps. What does the other person need from you to restore trust?
5. Do what you can to restore goodwill together. Work with the other person to decide on the best way for you to make amends.
6. What did you learn? Tell yourself and the other person how you’ll act differently. Focus on the positive, creative energy of the needs you were trying to meet. Focus on what you want to do now rather than what you want to avoid.
7. Don’t dwell on the mistake. Keep focused on what you learned and how you’ll do things differently. If goodwill has been restored, move on and stay present and compassionate with yourself. Remember, that your relationship may need time and reassurance to build the trust that you once had.
It’s never easy admitting mistakes. Our painful feelings of remorse and sadness are calling us back to our integrity. Our heart calls us to restore the connection and trust with others when something we’ve done has contributed to harm. Sometimes all you want to do is run away rather than admit mistakes. However, taking responsibility for ourselves is part of learning, growing, and experiencing emotional freedom that encourages people to trust and respect you.
“A man should never be ashamed to own that he is wrong, which is but saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.” Alexander Pope
FREE Teleclass: 8 pm Eastern, Monday, April 6, 2009.
How to Say You’re Sorry: Dispel the myths and taboos about making mistakes
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Self-Care versus Self-Sacrifice
Saturday, March 7th, 2009 | Self-Care, connection | No Comments
Self-care is the opposite of self-sabotage, self-control, and self-sacrifice. To successfully take care of yourself, begin a self-care plan based on your values and personal needs. It’s through determination and focus that you’re going to be able to properly care for your very being.
Self-care isn’t just about brushing your teeth or getting food on the table. Self-care is caring for your inner self, your needs, and your very being.
What patterns are we creating when we do not attend to what is important to us? What beliefs are we reinforcing when we justify self-sacrifice?
Why is self-care so important?
I believe that when we take care of ourselves, we are better able to care for our families and others. Here’s my example.
I was in the shower the other day when my youngest daughter came in to use the toilet. I was enjoying the quiet alone time when she asked me some questions. I started to feel tense and worried my solitude was in jeopardy. I answered her questions anyway. Alas, as I continued to talk, I continued to sabotage my own needs for self-care. I did what many parents do…I raised my voice and told my daughter to be quiet or leave.
When I think about this now I would do it differently. In fact, I have done it differently since I’ve written this…and we’ll talk about that later.
As my daughter came into the room, I could have calmly invited her to come in quietly. Once I had her agreement, it would have been fairly easy to remind us of that if she chose to talk. If she didn’t agree to be quiet, I could have calmly fielded her questions and then request that she leave. Instead, I didn’t have the confidence to stand up for myself right from the beginning. I justified my self-sacrifice and jeopardized connection with my daughter.
All was not lost. My feelings of remorse and sadness called me back to my needs for self-care and connection. Afterwards, I sat down with my daughter and I shared how sad I felt about what happened. I heard how scared and confused she felt. After we understood each other, we talked about how important it is to ask for what we need, we laughed, and we hugged. I’m glad I can do that within minutes after raising my voice. However, I long to live with more integrity and peace. That’s why a self-care plan is so important to me.
Tracking Self-Care
A good self-care plan reminds you of what is important to you. After all, you have values, goals, and a purpose in your life. This plan reminds you about what you need to do to take care of you. Using a day planner or journal can remind you of your values and help you to decide what to do to take care of your body, mind, and soul.
Tracking your self-care gives you a solid foundation and understanding of your core values, helps you decide what to do, and helps you measure your success.
So, where do you start? For starters, try food for the brain. Begin to support self-care beliefs by giving yourself inspirational quotes and affirmations. This is the spiritual fuel that keeps you focused on your own personal well being. Not only do you want reminders of what to do, but you also want little pieces of inspiration around you to remind you of why you’re doing it. In addition to inspirational quotes, surround yourself with motivating pictures and beautiful, uplifting music throughout your home and office. Let this art stir your tranquility and wildest dreams. Your pictures, music, and affirmations may remind you of your dreams and what you want to create in your life or remind you of what’s important to you, like your family.
A helpful self-care plan inspires you and reminds you of why you want to take care of your body, mind, and spirit.
Tracking your progress is important. Let’s say you have a hard time getting motivated to exercise. By keeping a log of your rest, nutrition, and exercise time, you can keep yourself focused on achieving a healthier you.
In addition, use a journal to record your mental and emotional wellbeing. These four simple steps will help you to understand your feelings, needs, and take care of your self.
1. Use your five senses and observe what is going on around you and what you are thinking—write down what you see and hear and acknowledge any judgments you have about the situation.
2. Feelings—connect with how you feel.
3. Needs—what’s important about this situation for you?
4. Requests—what’s the best way you know of to meet your needs? Make specific, achievable goals or ask someone for specific, do-able help to meet your needs.
After you do something to meet your needs, evaluate whether it worked or not. If so, celebrate. If not, what could you do differently?
Your self-care plan tracks your progress to help you stay on track toward your goals.
You can use these planning tools to accomplish anything in your life. Taking care of yourself inside and out helps you to take care of your family and others. Start with yourself first!
Creating a Personal Self-Care Plan
How would you motivate yourself to initiate your self-care plan? Beginning any new task may be daunting or exciting. You’ll want to be sure you can sustain your motivation to keep you on track.
Think of a time you were successful in the past. What helped you achieve success? What motivated you in the past? Use this as your guide now to take care of yourself.
Some people find it helpful to have a family member, friend, spouse, or life coach hold them accountable. All you need to do is tell them about your goals and review them every one to two weeks. If you slip up in your efforts, they can let you know or offer a listening ear so you can renew your focus and get back on course.
Some sort of structure and accountability makes self-care successful and easy. We want to make this as easy as possible! Taking care of yourself is an important part of being there for your family…so you’re not yelling at the kids because you didn’t take of yourself. A realistic and achievable self-care plan will provide you with the vigor, attitude, and energy to enjoy life to its fullest!