Archive for February, 2009

Relationship Challenge - Transforming Criticism into Compassion

Monday, February 23rd, 2009 | couples | No Comments

Do you like reading about ordinary people making mistakes and what they did about it? I do. I read so much about how to improve relationships and communication skills. I understand why it’s important to take responsibility for our
choices. However, I’m often asking “what does that look and feel like in real life?” So, what does it feel like to take full responsibility for ourselves? How does it feel to transform accusations and criticisms into understanding and
compassion? Please share your experiences. Here’s one of my own.
The other day I corrected my husband on something he said to one of our children. Big mistake!
I could tell right away. I could sense his body tense up a little. The disconnect and misunderstanding felt sad and tense for me. I noticed that right away too. What do you feel when that happens to you? Do you feel scared, unsure, or shaken?
 
After  I  got  a  cup  of  tea, I decided that I needed connection and understanding instead of trying to be “right” or tell my husband what to do. I started connecting with and understanding myself. I wanted to protect my
daughter from life-alienating communication. Wow, stop right there! When I connected with that intention, I realized why my husband felt tense. It was any wonder that he didn’t fly off the handle. In my mind and in my actions, I was accusing him of harming our daughter with his words. What was I so afraid of?
 
I looked at the situation more closely. My husband had offered my daughter an idea. I felt scared and needed protection. Whoa…stop again! He was offering an idea. This wasn’t a 911 call here! Big reality check! Good thing I was checking in with my ears and eyes. So I asked, “What belief did I have that was stimulating my fear?” Clearly, my fear was coming from something other than what I was seeing and hearing. I was thinking that “empathy before education” rather than sharing an idea would be a more effective way to teach our daughter to generate her own
ideas.  I  was  connecting with my needs for freedom and self-directed learning. I was also feeling annoyed that my own communications training distracted  me from being aware of my other thoughts and senses in the moment. I was feeling glad that I was taking the time now to connect with myself before talking with my husband. I reminded myself that my husband and I agree on the needs for freedom and self-directed learning. I could see our
similarities. When I did that, I noticed I felt calm.
 
The belief that my husband did something “wrong” is not true. Now I could invite him to be part of the solution rather than part of the problem. I felt confident that he’d feel better about that. Who wouldn’t? I felt tense and frustrated just before I spoke with my husband. I reminded myself that our outer life provides feedback about how we are received and heard. So, if I wanted to understand how my husband heard me, it was up to me to ask.
 
We  talked.  It turned out that the conversation he was having with my daughter was a continuation of another conversation. They were continuing to share ideas and brainstorm ways to support our daughter. So, I was way off the mark with my assumption.
And my husband…he didn’t enjoy being criticized. He’s a man who chooses his words carefully and doesn’t like people editing them. Who does?
 
I don’t blame him. Now, I feel compassionate, curious, and relieved. The tension I felt is gone. I like that.
I  learned something about my husband, my daughter, and myself. I kept focusing on staying curious about what it all meant while I felt the tension of the conflict.
 
I believe mistakes are the fastest way to learn. If we “get it” the first time, then all we’ve done is proven to ourselves that we can do it. When we make a mistake, we give ourselves an opportunity to transform ourselves and our relationships.
 
“Anyone  who  has  never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” Albert Einstein
 
“The  curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I can change.” Carl Rogers
 
Your relationship challenge for this week:
Relax and breathe deeply and slowly for a few moments.
Think about your most wonderful relationship and most loving moments in your life.
What do you see, hear, taste, smell, and touch. How do you feel?
What would you be willing to do, or stop doing, to experience this joyful feeling more regularly in your life?
If this visualization is about another person whom you admire and enjoy a relationship with, what would it take for you to be more like the qualities you admire in this person? What would this person say or do to make life
more wonderful even when they make a mistake?
 
Who doesn’t want to inspire respect and cooperation? We all need practical support from time to time to parent in ways we feel good about.
 
Group Coaching calls: Monday nights 8 to 9:30 pm Eastern. Check the dates.
March 2nd - Co-Parenting with respect
March 9th - Respect, Cooperation, Power-with
March 23rd - Mistakes can be the fastest way to learn
March 30th - *moved to April 6th
*April 6 - Anger, Criticism, and Lying
 
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“Letting go of our suffering is the hardest work we will ever do. It is also the most fruitful. To heal means to meet ourselves in a new way — in the newness of each moment where all is possible and nothing is limited to
the old.” Stephen Levine
 
“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.” - Denis Waitley

Curiosity transforms fear

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009 | conflict exploration | No Comments

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Albert Einstein

Watch a child examine a bug for the first time.
What do you see?
Wide eyes looking closely, touching, tasting, and asking “what’s that?” or  “what does it do?”
Curiosity is an emotion growing out of a need for exploration, investigation, and learning. We see it in many animals including humans. It’s an alert, energized state we experience when we want to learn more about something.
Curiosity is stimulated by something new, a puzzle, a riddle, a provocative question, and a desire to understand.
In that moment, nothing else matters but connection and understanding.
When that happens to me, I feel secure, playful, creative, energized, and fascinated. Do you?

Curiosity is easy when we experience something interesting and something we enjoy. What about those times when we don’t enjoy what we’re hearing, seeing, tasting, touching, smelling, or even thinking about?
Without curiosity, we can feel frustrated, dreadful, angry, afraid, or insecure. I learned that our left mind analyzes the past, is fearful of the future, and has a tendency to be redundant. When we are judging right from wrong, analyzing, and making sense of the world, it is our left mind that is helping us out.
Curiosity, on the other hand, is a matter of attitude and choice. When we are curious, our right brain is engaged. Our right mind is adventurous, celebrates abundance, and brings new insights when old beliefs and behaviours no longer serve us.
Hard to believe?
I used to think so too.
Then I learned that if I choose curiosity and understanding, I could change the way I responded, inviting others to feel curious too, and create new solutions that moved me past fear and anger. The more I do that, the more I want to learn ways to do it more!
I have learned that it’s easier to do when I’m rested and have focused attention.
When is it easier for you to feel creative and curious?

“I define responsibility (response-ability) as the ability to choose how we respond to stimulation coming in through our sensory systems at any moment in time. Although there are certain limbic system (emotional) programs that can be triggered automatically, it takes less than 90 seconds for one of these programs to be triggered, surge through our body, and then be completely flushed out of our blood stream…Once triggered, the chemical release by my brain surges through my body and I have a physiological experience. Within 90 seconds from the initial trigger, the chemical component of my anger has completely dissipated from my blood and my automatic response is over. If, however, I remain angry after those 90 seconds have passed, then it is because I have chosen to let that circuit continue to run.”
“We have the power to chose, moment by moment, who and how we want to be in the world.” Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D.

Here’s your challenge for this week:
What would it take for you to feel curious and playful about yourself, your world, and the people around you?
How would you shift to a state of curiosity in the face of discomfort, fear, or anger?
Imagine talking to your left and right brains. What would each say?

For PARENTS! Who doesn’t want to inspire respect and cooperation?
We all need practical support from time to time to parent in ways we feel good about.

Group Coaching calls are most Monday nights 8 to 9:30 pm Eastern.

Find out more and register today! http://compassionatesolutions.ca/events_resources.php

For WOMEN! Create FREEDOM with My Ultimate Mind Body Makeover for the cost of a yoga class! Starting February 24th, 8 pm Eastern.

Join me, Sue Stebbins, and Anastasia Pryanikova at http://www.successwaves.com/ultimate-mind-body-makeover/