Archive for January, 2009
Being vs doing
Thursday, January 29th, 2009 | connection | No Comments
Today, I had a moment when I was sitting with one of my children. I felt so intense listening to her that nothing else around me mattered. I was being in the moment and not concerned about doing anything. When I noticed that, I stopped listening to her and was “thinking” about being. I felt a slight tension in my body. I felt happy and relieved when I recognized this. I returned my attention to being present and listened. I felt joyful and relaxed again.
The concept of “being versus doing” can be a hard one to understand. Many parents have asked me “how do you do that?” Maybe it seems easier to think about what we want to do and do it. I don’t think so since I felt less relaxed when I was thinking rather than being. Being is not about doing anything in particular.
The more we allow ourselves time to “be”, the more connected, centered, and grounded we feel. This is a way to create balance for ourselves. Being in the moment feels pleasurable, joyful, relaxing, and unhurried. The flow of communication is easy and we increase our ability to understand. After all, we are communicating all the time whether we are saying anything or not. 90-95% of our communication is non-verbal. Being present helps us to tune into the more subtle forms of communication.
I suggest that you do things that increase your connection to your heart and feelings. A helpful tool is making a list of things that bring joy and peace. Do these things when you want to be “out of your mind”. Your list may include: listening to music or a soothing sound, watching a fire or sunset, walking, taking a bath, waking up to watch the sunrise, having a massage, reading, sharing a hug, holding a sleeping baby, gardening, or being alone.
Try this today:
Think about something and notice what happens in your body when you have that thought.
Look at something, hear something, taste something, touch something, or smell something and notice the sensations in your body.
Imagine yourself doing this for the first time. What do you notice?
Imagine yourself as a third person looking at your reactions from outside yourself. What do you notice?
“It is our own mind-talk that prevents us from understanding the child and from knowing how to respond. A child’s actions are not bad or good; they are simply expressions of emotional and physical needs or they are innocent play. Yet, our mind quickly evaluates a child’s actions, and we respond not to the child, but to our own interpretations of her actions.” Naomi Aldort from Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves
When do you know when it’s time to leave?
Saturday, January 24th, 2009 | separation and parenting | No Comments
My partner has resisted many of the new ideas of relating and parenting that I bring into our family, criticised them and seems unable to listen to how I feel about it. I’m aware that I haven’t listened or empathised with him as much as he needs it, and I’ve given it all I’ve got. I’m not willing to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t willing to meet my need for respect around my core beliefs. We seem to have different beliefs and values since having our son. Do you believe you can work it out with anyone, and that all conflict is an opportunity for further healing?
My Response
Separation is a big change to make. It can stimulate needs for mourning relationships and celebrating new possibilities. Whenever we make a change in our lives, it creates tension or stress. We all strive to maintain equilibrium while changing and growing. So, we generally make changes when the potential benefits of that change outweigh the cost of staying where we are. We often don’t fully know how our choices will affect us until we decide and act.
Give yourself time and space to connect with your feelings and needs so that your choices come from that place rather than what you think you should do. Have compassion for yourself while you consider all the interests and needs of your family. Please remind yourself that it’s okay to make “mistakes” and choose new ways to meet your needs. Research suggests that there are other details to consider: financial organization and awareness (ie., establishing credit, taking stock of your assets, and having a savings), have a network of support for your physical and emotional needs, and consider the best interests of the child(ren) involved (ie., consistent care, stability, supporting loving relationships with both parents).
Living in two different houses is one of many strategies to meet our needs. Are there others?
Unless you decide never to see each other again and you amicably agree to give one parent sole custody, you’re going to be parenting with each other regardless of where you live.
So, it’s up to you how you want to create your relationship at this point.
What needs of yours would be met by staying together?
What needs of yours would be met by living apart?
Is separation the best strategy to meet your needs for respect around core beliefs?
What would best support your son’s needs around stability, attachment, learning, and communication?
I’m hearing this is not an easy decision for you. There are many values and interests to consider.
You mentioned that you’re not willing to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t willing to meet needs for respecting core beliefs. How do you know this to be true? How could he show you that he was willing?
Core beliefs are tender spots for us. We feel passionate and protective of our core beliefs. Many of us hope our partner shares similar beliefs because it meets needs for mutuality and being able to work together easily. When we have children, old beliefs get stirred up. Before then, it’s theory. Parenting is where the rubber meets the road.
Our beliefs motivate our choices and opinions. Some couples have different beliefs from the start. Some are not aware of these differences until becoming parents. Some parents hold different beliefs and provide stability and consistent parenting care. How can we respect our different beliefs in our own family?
Given that everything we do is a way to meet our needs, what needs would your husband have by “resisting new ideas”. Does he have ideas to share? Are there needs for meaningful contribution, understanding, acceptance, or appreciation? When I mention meaningful contribution, I’m referring to our need to share our leadership and personal wisdom with our offspring like other mammals do. We all want to be seen as part of the solution rather than being the problem.
Have you both been passionately trying to share your parenting views with frustration because your needs for understanding and respect have not been met?
Are you both needing trust that you can work things out and have different opinions?
How is your partner seeing the relationship? Would you be willing to check this out with him?
Imagine this. If your son had different beliefs from yours, what would you suggest he do? How would you respond?
We always have choice.
We can agree to disagree on particular strategies to meet our needs.
We can engage our curiosity.
Here’s one example of engaging our curiosity in a general situation to give you some idea of what I mean.
“After you expressed your anger just now, I feel baffled. I understand that your anger means something is very important to you. I want to connect with your needs and I couldn’t just then.” Take a guess about his needs if you’re able to or ask “Are you able to talk to me about what’s important about what I just said or did?”
Many times we try to empathize with others in order to get them to understand our point of view. Unfortunately, this rarely works. When our focus in on making others understand us, we are unable to fully hear them because our focus is ultimately on making them hear us. In my experience, deep listening can open the door for more tears, anger, or unresolved tension between loved ones. Empathy and validation offers a safe invitation to share our deeper feelings and needs. Sometimes empathy brings a quick resolution if the situation is the only one involved.
When empathy stimulates a deeper connection and emotional release, I would suggest to listen closely because more needs to be said and understood before resolution can happen. Unfortunately, when a relationship gets to the point you describe, it is challenging for partners to feel calm enough to hear each other fully. If you’re both feeling exhausted and overwhelmed at the thought of that, how could you meet your needs for support, empathy, and rest so that your heart can open up with curiosity again?
In my experience, only when we seek to understand ourselves and others, does it invite others to understand us.
I imagine that this may be frustrating to hear. I’m hearing feelings of exhaustion and overwhelm and needs for acknowledgment and appreciation for how hard you’ve tried to work this out. May I suggest that you’ve either been trying to empathize when your heart has not been in it or you both need an objective person to listen more deeply (ie., life coach or family therapist).
This reminds me of a client’s story. Elle is not her real name.
Elle’s husband told her one day that he was ready to separate. They had tried that about a year ago and Elle felt hopeless and overwhelmed because she couldn’t figure out why they were at the same place again. Talking about cooperation and respect with her husband and her children was a struggle. We discovered that she was passionate about specific communication strategies and ways to support the kids. She was intolerant of her husband’s choices. She was also afraid of making a mistake. After deep empathy and being heard, Elle was able to practice a dialogue she wanted to have with her husband. Elle was able to value all their needs and look at ways to meet those needs with cooperation and respect for everyone in the family. Her and her husband are working things out and the kids are pitching in more often around the house.
I do believe we can find mutually satisfying ways to value all our needs, whether it’s agreeing to disagree or doing something together to solve a problem.
Diversity can strengthen our confidence in our choices and help us to consider new ideas. This can lead to understanding, healing, and connection.
There is so much more I could add but I’m going to stop there for now. I’m hoping that others will send me comments and questions to this post.
Family Communication Coaching saves relationships
Saturday, January 10th, 2009 | coaching | No Comments
Discuss compassionate, respectful, and cooperative ways to…
-invite harmony when siblings argue
-value and balance family needs
-respect yourself and your partner when you parent “differently”
-transform “silent treatments”, criticism, anger, lying, or “no” into dialogue
…and so much more!
Callers are invited to share their real life challenges and I will share my empathy, coaching, and communication skills to help you restore balance and calm.
Register today! http://www.compassionatesolutions.ca/events_resources.php
Call from anywhere. You get a FREE recording of the call.
$29 per call
$99 a month/4 calls (save 15%)
Mondays (check dates) 8 to 9:30 pm Eastern. Long distance charges may apply.
Bring a new friend and get one FREE call for yourself.
Couple or one-on-one coaching is a way to save your relationships!
Divorce can be expensive. Conflict and disharmony feels dreadful. Health and creativity can be compromised when the family struggles to get along. In our current economy it makes sense for people to restore connection and find ways to work together. We need collaboration and mutual understanding to support each other during times of uncertainty and fear.
If you’re new to coaching, go to http://www.compassionatesolutions.ca/invitation.php and schedule your FREE Preview Coaching Session and Consultation. Even if you don’t need this, share this information with someone you care about. It could save their relationships!
One client began her session feeling overwhelmed and hopeless because her marriage was ending. She left the call feeling confident and amazed. Her marriage has been given a second chance and she said, “I can do this! It’s more simple than I thought!”
Wendy walks her talk. Her loving and powerful work is based on experience and knowledge NOT theory and guesswork. Wendy has helped me shift out of a dynamic of conflict and confusion with my family to one of acceptance and empowerment. I highly recommend her work to anyone who wants easier and more joyful family relationships. Karen Alison, EFT and TFH Energy Therapy www.karenalison.com
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Conflict Exploration
Saturday, January 10th, 2009 | conflict exploration | No Comments
Most people dread arguments and “silent treatments”. Conflict involves at least two people committed to their side of the story and are afraid that their needs won’t get met. Many people believe their only choices are to give up their power and stay silent, or fight. In either case, resolution isn’t happening. Instead, our energy is distracted by blaming, judging, and criticizing. If we choose to focus our thoughts on who’s right or wrong, we risk eroding trust and open communication. Hostility replaces goodwill and creativity. There are effective ways to find compassionate solutions to everyday challenges. There is a win-win solution that empowers us, maintains dignity, and creates more cooperation and respect with each other.
“Did you ever notice how difficult it is to argue with someone who is not obsessed with being right?”
Wayne W. Dyer
Best Practices for Conflict Exploration in 4 Steps
Rather than focus on ‘resolution’, focus on ‘exploration’, learning, and understanding. When you choose that consciousness, you invite curiosity and creativity.
Step 1: Take a deep, calming breath or a break. Prepare yourself to understand by putting yourself into the other person’s story and ask lots of questions.
Step 2: Don’t take what anyone says or does personally.
Everything we do and say is an attempt to meet our needs. Try not to fix anything. Instead, explore the very important and valuable reasons we do the things we do. Imagine each story from a third person’s perspective.
Step 3: What is everyone’s story, how are you reacting to that, and what values are important to you about those stories? Understand and value everyone’s different perspectives. Make sure you are also understood and valued fully.
Step 4: When you both know that you understand each others’ points of view, you’ll notice a shift to lightness and resolution. When everyone has had their say and is fully heard and understood, allow everyone’s natural creative resources to co-create a mutually satisfying solution.
“The more we hear them, the more they’ll hear us.”
“I’ve learned that I enjoy human beings more if I don’t hear what they think…only hearing what’s going on in their hearts and not getting caught up with the stuff in their heads.”Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.
If you are willing to explore conflict, hear everyone’s story and get to be heard too, the process of resolution looks pretty much the same although the end result is unknown from the beginning. Conflict can strengthen our relationships rather than pull them apart.
“The secret of life is three words: change through relationship.”
J. Krishnamurti
“True wisdom is realizing that we know nothing and being open to discover, moment by moment.”Naomi Aldort.
Supporting Empathy
Tuesday, January 6th, 2009 | politics | No Comments
What can you do to support empathy in the US government?
From President-Elect Obama: “Empathy strikes me as the most important quality that we need in America and around the world…the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes; to see the world through those who are different from us.”
This Idea for Change in America focuses on assuring that the universal needs of all affected by US government decision-making and policies will be addressed. Empathy as a foundational principle will be implemented as part of a Department of Peace and Nonviolence or as an inter-departmental office within the government. Change.org with the Case Foundation will present the top 10 rated Ideas for Change in America to the Obama administration on Inauguration Day, and a national advocacy campaign for each idea will be launched to support real policy change.
Vote Here: http://www.change.org/ideas/view/bridging_the_empathy_gap_-_yes_we_can
By making empathy a cornerstone of government, we can:
*Develop policies to address common human needs (eg. justice, health, peace)
*Support confidence that citizens’ concerns matter
*Resolve international conflicts peacefully
*Nurture young citizens equipped with peacemaking and alliance-building skills
*Increase safety in schools and communities
*Shift from competition for resources to collaboration for common good
*Align actions with Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness for All
Be part of the solution
Thursday, January 1st, 2009 | conflict exploration | No Comments
Conflict happens when we have a difference of opinion and we focus on the differences between us and someone else. Many of us are are afraid that our own needs can’t or won’t be valued or considered. We often blame ourselves or others for not getting what we need.
Did you know that current research and experience is now showing us that we are more the same than we are different? There is only a 0.01% difference between me and you no matter who we are or how old we are.
This tells me that hostility may be created simply because we choose to focus on our differences rather than on our similarities. Imagine the possibilities if we chose to focus on the 99.99% that unites us!
So, end conflict now and into this new year by listening and learning how we are more alike than we are different. Trust yourself and your kids. Trust that we are all creative, resourceful, empowered, responsible people coming together and doing the best we can to meet our needs in any given moment no matter how old we are. By being interested in others, we invite others to be interested in us. When we are all interested in each other, then we are a part of the solution, not the problem.
Do this today:
Listen and learn something new about someone else. When someone feels upset about something you’ve said or done, listen to their side of the story without trying to fix anything or jump in with advice. Simply seek to understand their perspective and let them know what you heard them say. We all need to be heard and accepted no matter what.
For more tips and 10 simple actions you can do today to bring more peace into your life now, subscribe to my free newsletter: http://compassionatesolutions.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=7201963c22e46c668170bd706&id=ba32e85a06
“Anyone who chooses to focus on thoughts of who’s right and who’s wrong, what’s fair and what’s unfair, who’s bad and who’s good, will inevitably spend time and energy analyzing, judging, blaming, and criticizing. When you give your energy to analyzing, judging, blaming, and criticizing, you are in a sense voting for conflict. The consequence is that by assuming a conflict-ready stance, you distract your own attention from understanding and meeting the needs that your children are expressing through their behaviour.” … “If you see your children as untrustworthy, you will tend to limit opportunities for them to make decisions and learn about trust. Also, when you say to your children, I can’t trust you, they are likely to take that message to heart. If instead you see your children as capable of handling life, you will convey your confidence, treat them with respect, and give them lots of opportunities to make decisions for themselves.” Quote from Respectful Parents Respectful Kids by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson