Compassion In Action

Is this blog working again?

Tuesday, April 20th, 2010 | Family Life, family articles, parenting articles, radio shows, relationship matters | 1 Comment

“When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.” Unknown

Getting kids to listen is airing Sunday December 6, 2009

Sunday, November 29th, 2009 | Uncategorized | No Comments

Someday soon, this blog may not be here. I’m sad to see it go; but, it’s not working that well. I want to give you opportunities to share your stories, comments, and ask questions. My new blogs will do that.

http://compassionatesolutions.wordpress.com/: Compassionate Solutions for Families

For the past 10 years, Wendy McDonnell has been listening to conscious parents who are struggling to have great relationships with their kids. They want to trust their instincts but have mixed feelings when faced with overwhelming parenting advice. Wendy helps them find clarity about their values and the strategies to support them. Coaching helps parents build, restore, and sustain family connection and create extraordinary relationships.
Families, however we define them, are important. We all need a soft place to land. That’s what makes families extraordinary.

The most recent article is called “Getting kids to listen”. Listen to Family Matters in the Guelph area or on-line on December 6, 2006, 8 to 9 am ET. We’ll talk about “Getting kids to listen”.

http://cfrufamily.wordpress.com/: Family Matters Radio show every Sunday 8 to 9 am ET.

Family Matters explores the joys and challenges of family life. On this show, we talk about traditional and non-traditional families, supportive parenting paradigms, relationships and communication, and cultural influences on the family with the help of parents, children, and expert guests.

New URL for Blog

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009 | administration, radio shows | No Comments

I’m switching this blog over to:

http://compassionatesolutions.wordpress.com/

to correct programming challenges experienced with this blog. Thank you for your patience as I make this switch over time. I’ll be editing past articles for clarity and writing new ones. Now, you’ll be able to post comments and ask me questions.

http://compassionatesolutions.wordpress.com/

Meanwhile, my website www.CompassionateSolutions.ca is under construction. The blogs are more current at this point.

Also, please visit my new blog Family Matters: http://cfrufamily.wordpress.com/

I interview parents, children, and expert guests about the joys and challenges of family life. Tune into CFRU 93.3 FM in Guelph, Ontario 8 am ET Sundays or visit www.CFRU.cato listen via the Internet.

Back to School

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009 | Family Life, attachment, connection, separation and parenting | No Comments

I love September. Fall is my favourite time of year. Even with a hot sun, the air feels crisp. This is a time for fresh starts and new beginnings.

It’s also a time when families are busy. Kids start school and sign up for extracurricular activities. Days often begin with rushing out the door and end with a flurry of activity and homework. When our schedules are full, this is the time for more play, conversations, and connection to help integrate learning and stay focused on what’s important to us…our relationships with each other. Otherwise, we feel overwhelmed and stressed. More stress means less learning and more conflict.

“Now Stop!” Max said and sent the wild things off to bed without their supper. And Max the king of all wild things was lonely and wanted to be where someone loved him best of all.” Maurice Sendak, Where the Wild Things Are

When our children have been with school friends all day, families need to re-connect. In order for parents to have influence, to matter, we need to attract our kids’ attention. There’s no right or wrong way to gain rapport. It’s a matter of getting into each other’s spaces in a friendly way. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté, in Hold onto Your Kids, write,

“Attachment rituals, fuelled by this collecting instinct, exist in many cultures. The most common is the greeting. When fully consummated, a greeting should collect the eyes, a smile and a nod.” Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté

“Waking up” and “after school” are two significant times to re-connect with each other. Both occur after times of separation. Mind you, you don’t want to come off sounding like a pushy salesperson. Instead, gauge your greeting and attention grabbing by the reaction you get from your child. You already know when you’re engaged with your child. You’ve seen it in his body posture, facial expression, eyes, and mannerisms. You’ve felt it in your body. There are often feelings of softness, calm, or happy excitement. There’s mutual sharing and curiosity.

Feel free to have fun and experiment with gathering each others’ attention after times of separation. Notice the rapport you have with your children. It began with eye gazing when your kids were babies and it’s a little like a courting dance in which lovers engage. As we get older, some of us still enjoy eye gazing, while others like to hang out together talking, playing, holding hands, or hugging. One of my favourite ways to collect our younger children is to offer a ride on my back. For my older children, we talk about something exciting for them. I take care to match the intensity of my feelings with my child to meet him where he’s at.

All too often our children want to vent after being separated from us all day. Although it’s not easy being a sounding board, being heard is exactly what our child needs after separation. Being witnessed just as we are is a core need. After a quick greeting, you may want to prepare yourself to hear a mouthful of complaints so your child can naturally move towards resolution after being understood. When our children are securely attached to us, they expect us to refill them. Refilling ourselves to be there for our kids is key…but that’s another blog.

“Filling and refilling the child’s cup is the basis of heartfelt parent-child connections. It isn’t something that happens once, but over and over again, in countless mini-interactions over a span of years.” Lawrence J. Cohen, Playful Parenting

How do you refill your child’s cup and re-connect after separation?

Share your top 3 suggestions for connection here.

What is your objective?

Monday, August 31st, 2009 | Nonviolent Communication, connection, listening, understanding | No Comments

I remember the year I felt eager to try out some new communication skills I was learning. I trusted they would help lessen confusion and help me to get more of what I wanted out of my relationships.

When I spoke to one person I knew for many years, I was confused because my new skills seemed to help to end that relationship. I thought I was trying to resolve a conflict. I believed these skills didn’t work or I didn’t do them right. So I tried again around the same time when I spoke to my dying mother. These new skills helped us to deepen our connection and mutual understanding. We experienced unconditional love and it felt wonderful! Yet another time, I felt confused again when I tried to speak to my husband using the communication formula that I had just learned. He nearly had a fit and wondered what kind of therapy I was trying to pull over on him.

Same strategy and three different results…hmmm… Why?

I believe the difference was in my objectives, what I was aiming for at the time I chose to speak. For each relationship and each communication, I intended different things. At the same time, I put more faith in the strategies rather than in myself.

In the first example, I felt frustrated and ambiguous to change the situation. Concerned by my mother’s well-being and focused on spending more time with her before she died, my intention was on nurturing that relationship. In my heart, my care was elsewhere. It was not on the conflict with the other person. I just wanted the fighting to stop. In one way, it did.

In the second example with my mother, I wanted to deeply connect with her. Despite my clumsy interpretation of what I was learning at the time, love and understanding poured from my heart. My focus, and the results, were congruent again.

In the last example where I tried a new communication format with my husband, my intention was on the technique. I forgot about the dialogue, and I forgot to trust myself. No wonder he wanted the “real” me! I learned then (and I remind myself as often as I can) that authenticity, understanding, and my focus are more important than trying to “get it right”. As long as I have the objective to understand…to be curious rather than be right…then the words and actions I choose will likely lead me in that direction. The intention I have in my heart will likely lead me to where I want to go.

This is your coaching assignment for this week if you choose to accept it: Think of a challenge you have right now. Check in with yourself and your heart. Express yourself truthfully while respecting others’ needs to do the same. Seek to understand rather than being right.

“Communication works for those who work at it.” John Powell

 

“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.” Carl Jung

Getting the kids to listen

Sunday, August 16th, 2009 | connection, listening | No Comments

How do I get my children to want to communicate or to listen to basic requests?

Thank you Felicia P for asking the question that many of us ask. I appreciate writing articles that are relevant and practical. I hope that this article is that for you.

I’m trying a new article format…the short and the long to meet needs for choice and engagement. What do you think? I love feedback or dialogue about this or any other article. Email me (wendy (at) compassionatesolutions.ca) anytime. Feel free to share this with your friends and family who may enjoy it too.

For those of us who have about 2 minutes, here’s a quick tip:

Notice what your child is doing. Is she focused on a particular project or a phone call? Is he deep in thought? Communication is a little like merging into highway traffic. Look ahead, match your speed with the traffic speed, find a place to fit in, and then join the line of cars when the timing is right. Rushing into a child’s room expecting her to pay attention to you is like leaping from the on-ramp into oncoming traffic. It’s an accident waiting to happen. Are you trying to speak without the other’s full attention?

When lovers court each other, they slow down and gaze into each other’s eyes. When a new baby is born, parents gaze into her eyes. When rapport is good, people begin to mirror each other’s actions. 90-95% of what we communicate is nonverbal. I suggest that you begin there. When you don’t know what to say, stay present in silence. Merge with your child. Find out what he’s interested in that moment. When he’s had your attention, then you can ask for his. Even if your child wants to do something else, you’ll likely be able to better understand that intention rather than thinking that he’s ignoring requests or doesn’t communicate. If you need to interrupt, say so. Treat your child as you would like to be treated.  For example: “Excuse me, can I get your attention, I have a request to make?” Then, ask for what you want while linking it to your needs you want to meet. For example, you might say, “Take out the trash, please.” and it may be heard. Requests are better understood when prefaced with a clear need. Try something like “Remember when we agreed that you’d take out the trash after dinner while I did the dishes? Could you do what we agreed on today?”

“Instead of talking in the hope that people will listen, try listening in the hope that people will talk.” Dr. Mardy Grothe

“We can’t change children’s behaviour by educating them. The only way to change your child’s behaviour is to change your own behaviour.” Deepak Chopra

 

“Don’t fill the air with a lot of words. Rather, create a flow in which the other person can tell you what they need to know.” Marshall Rosenberg

For the rest of us with about 10-20 minutes, here are some steps to follow:

For all of us reading this article, take a moment right now to notice what is happening in your body when you ask the question “How do I get my children to want to communicate or to listen to basic requests?” Are you feeling curious and excited about engaging with your kids? If you are, enjoy that time to connect to feelings and needs. Otherwise, read on.

Are you feeling dread and hesitancy because you need reassurance that connection and consideration are possible? If you are, follow the steps below.

Step 1: Notice any resistance in your body and breathe in the air around you deeply. Notice any other thoughts you might have about this situation. In other words, notice what you are reacting to inside and out. What is your child doing that is stimulating the feeling you’re feeling now? For now, assume your child has the best of intentions and is doing his or her best to meet their needs. Breathe. Notice what is happening in your body so that you can condition yourself to respond in a way that you enjoy when you experience that sensation again.

If you notice you want to make your child do something, your thoughts may sound like, “he’s so disrespectful”, “why isn’t she looking at me right now?” or “he needs to learn how to follow instructions!”

Step 2: Now, imagine hearing those thought said about you. Put yourself in your child’s shoes. How does your body feel now? Breathe. Accept your thoughts and feelings. Allow them to wash through you and change you. Inside those thoughts and feelings is a gift. Life inside of you is speaking in the best way it knows how. You are informing yourself about what to do next. What you choose next will answer your question for you. Breathe.

Step 3: What is important to you right now? What do you need? From your question, I guess that you want understanding and attention. I’m also guessing there’s a need for trust or reassurance that valuing and meeting those needs are possible. Is that so?

If trust is important, stay with that. In this moment, is it possible for you to believe in listening and understanding even without knowing how to do that right now? Begin to disengage that need from what your child is doing. Are you able to imagine the experience of mutual consideration? If so, stay with that feeling as long as possible. If not, what will it take for you to imagine it? Before you can request something to meet your needs, you need to believe it’s possible. Otherwise, others will experience your ambivalence and give you exactly what you ARE asking for…to not be heard.

I trust you already know how to engage in conversation and listen. You’ve likely had many experiences of doing this many times in your life. Use your imagination to connect with that. The challenge is that your thoughts are telling you that your child should do something. Instead, ask yourself what would make it easier in that moment to understand and be understood?

Step 4: See what your child is doing. Is she focused on a particular project or a phone call? Is he deep in thought? Communication is a little like merging into highway traffic. Look ahead, match your speed with the traffic speed, find a place to fit in, and then join the line of cars when the timing is right. Rushing into a child’s room expecting her to pay attention to you is like leaping from the on-ramp into oncoming traffic. It’s an accident waiting to happen.

When lovers court each other, they slow down and gaze into each other’s eyes. When a new baby is born, parents gaze into her eyes. When rapport is good, people begin to mirror each other’s actions. 90-95% of what we communicate is nonverbal. I suggest that you begin there. When you don’t know what to say, stay present in silence. Merge with your child. Find out of what he’s interested in that moment. When he’s had your attention, then you can ask for his. Many people mention they feel softer when they do this. Even if your child wants to do something else, you’ll likely be able to better understand that intention rather than thinking that he’s ignoring requests or doesn’t communicate.

Sometimes I ask myself, “why do I have to (always) be the one to listen to others first?” Does that happen to you too? The words “always” and “listen” are dead giveaways here. “Always” alerts me that my emotional intensity is so high that my ability to listen is compromised. When we’re excited in any way (e.g., angry or elated), then our attention is on what we’re excited about. “Listen” is my red flag that I need to be heard. Can I journal, take a breath, connect with my own feelings and needs, or call up a friend who can listen to me? Can my kids hear me first? Katy Dawson, a teacher in California, once taught me a phrase that buys me time when I want to listen to another person and I need to get into that space. If you notice your child is feeling grumpy, you want to know more, and don’t know what to say ask, try “Are you feeling frustrated because it didn’t work out the way you wanted?”

For many people just starting to parent compassionately, doing this in the moment is challenging, if not downright impossible. So, choose a quiet moment to look at a conflict that you’re still feeling charged about. Play it again in your mind and on paper using the steps listed above. Continue to practice in this way even after you sharpen your skills. If you’re like me and felt resistant to writing things down, I urge you to keep journaling or record yourself somehow. Our habitual thoughts will prevail if we don’t slow them down long enough to look at them consciously. Try it and see. If you’re still having difficulty remembering what it’s like to be heard, to understand, or have experienced trauma, please consider calling up a coach or therapist. I offer 1 free hour of coaching for new clients. You’ll get a chance to be heard and move forward on some aspect of your relationships.

Shared Power, Deep Shifts and Restorative Circles for Families- Part 2

Friday, July 31st, 2009 | Dominic Barter, Family Life, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, anger management, conflict exploration | No Comments

Restorative Circles for Families- Part 1

Tuesday, July 7th, 2009 | Dominic Barter, Family Life, Restorative Circles, anger management, conflict exploration | No Comments

I am excited to tell you about how Restorative Circles (RC) have helped our family understand each other and learn from our conflicts more easily. The Restorative System and Process support mutual understanding, self-responsibility, and the co-creation of action steps to restore dignity and relationships with little to no communication skills training.

Within a few days after my 2 day introduction and 3 day facilitator training with Dominic Barter from Brazil, my children and I were able to use the RC process with great success. Even though I had learned about Nonviolent Communication (NVC, www.cnvc.org) 6 years ago, Barter’s work made NVC more concrete for me. I especially enjoyed that there are no assumptions that people can communicate. If we could communicate, we’d likely be doing something other than being in conflict.

Dominic Barter draws on his extensive training and experience in Restorative Practices (www.twitter.com/restoracircles and contact@restorativecircles.org) and Nonviolent Communication (NVC, www.cnvc.org). I believe he has managed to develop a simple and effective way for communities and families to experience and learn from painful conflict. Circle participants share how they were impacted by an act. There is an actor, a direct recipient of the act, and a community (e.g., family, friends, social group, neighbours, etc.). All participants dialogue in a personal capacity, no matter what roles people play outside the circle. Circles provide valuable opportunities to hear how others have been impacted and what each person was looking for at the time they chose to say or do what they did.

NVC helps me make sense of what I sense, feel, and need, so that I can make do-able requests of myself and others. I needed another way to transform my conflicts when they came up. I also wanted an easy way to explore conflict without always being “in charge”. That is, the one others look to for what to say and do next. I wanted shared power and responsibility. I found it in Restorative Circles.

I intended on sharing my RC experiences with my family in the spirit of partnership rather than “Mommy is going to tell us what to do to.” My initial intention was to observe conflict in our home and initiate dialogues to examine what we all perceive and how we might create a space for shared power and collaboration. I began thinking about ways to set up a Restorative System at home.

I woke up the first morning after the training and connected with each of my 4 kids after being away. Within an hour, conflict was ignited. My 10 year old daughter placed a cup on the table that tipped and spilled onto her younger sister (4 years). My sons (7 and 2 years) and I saw the act. I stayed focused on the questions that Dominic Barter shared with us in our training: 1) What do you want to say? (ie., What would you, the speaker, like known about how you are now in relation to the event and its consequences?) 2) What did you hear? (asked of the listener) and 3) Is that it? (asked of the speaker). Each speaker decides if he or she was heard in the way they intended.

It was hard to stay focused. Many times I wanted to direct the conversation and then refocused myself on the questions and tracked meaning. I noticed some of us wanted to move to action plans while others wanted mutual understanding. Self-responsibility wove in and out as each person understood why they did what they did. Eventually my discomfort subsided, I noticed a shift in the group energy (led mostly by my 7 year old son) to create an action plan. We did that and we checked in to see if everyone was satisfied with the outcome. We were. Total time was less than 15 minutes. We’ve had several more circles. Most circles take less than 20 minutes. Only one lasted 30 minutes.

Next time, I will share my wonderful shift in consciousness as a mother as a result of using Restorative Circles.

You may contact Dominic Barter at: contact@restorativecircles.org or www.twitter.com/restoracircles.

When Empathy might not be the most Life-Serving Response

Monday, June 15th, 2009 | connection | No Comments

by NVC Trainer Jeff Brown from Columbus, Ohio.

(reprinted with permission)

Empathy is such a precious quality, that it almost always enriches life for both the giver and the receiver. There are a few situations, however, where being empathic might not be the most optimal choice.

As an attempt to preserve the beauty of empathy, I offer a few examples where I believe an alternate response will usually serve us   better:

SITUATION: You feel resentful or irritated when you imagine offering your empathic presence to another.

ALTERNATE RESPONSE: Remind yourself that the only way that empathy connects is when the listener is acting out of the joy of giving, and is meeting his or her own needs by offering the empathic presence. In other words, empathy is not a commodity that we “dole out,” but rather a compassionate embrace of the other that enriches our life.

SITUATION: You are too upset or triggered in that moment to genuinely offer your empathic presence.

ALTERNATE RESPONSE: Take a time out. Take a deep breath. Shine the light of empathy on yourself (”self-empathy”). Connect with your own feelings, needs and requests, and/or ask another person (not the person who triggered you) you trust to listen to you with empathy.

SITUATION: When you want to share your own truth with the person.

ALTERNATE RESPONSE: Express yourself honestly to them. This sometimes involves “Screaming Compassionately,” as in, “I am overwhelmed and needing to take care of myself, and I am not able to hear you right now! Can we talk again after dinner?”

SITUATION: The other person has a need that is more alive than empathy, such as information, clarity or honesty.

ALTERNATE RESPONSE: Tune in to the person’s present-moment need(s), and respond accordingly. rather than defaulting to or assuming that empathy is always the primary need. It can be extremely irritating to receive empathy - particularly the verbal reflection of feelings and needs - when another need is alive.

SITUATION: You fear for your physical safety or security.

ALTERNATE RESPONSE: Get out of there immediately and go to a safe place.

SITUATION: A person is behaving in a physically violent manner, and you believe there is imminent danger to yourself, others, or to the person him or herself.

ALTERNATE RESPONSE: Protective use of Force. In an emergency situation, if you are able to, use force to stop the person from causing harm. Once the person is restrained and safety is restored, be prepared to empathically connect with the person.

________________________________________

Jeff Brown lives in Columbus, Ohio and has been a Certified NVC Trainer since 2005. Jeff has led NVC trainings in 17 states and 4 countries, and was recently hired as the Executive Director of Compassionate Communication of Central Ohio: www.nvcohio.org

Contact Jeff Brown, Executive Director, Compassionate Communication of Central Ohio [www.nvcohio.org] Columbus, Ohio, USA Certified Trainer, Center for Nonviolent Communication [www.cnvc.org] 614-432-8830 home/work ~ 812-320-3842 cell www.heartfeltcommunication.com

Overcoming the Challenges of Connection in Family Relationships

Monday, June 15th, 2009 | Family Life, anger management, conflict exploration, connection | No Comments

I’ve got a few more boxes to sort after putting all the summer clothes into kids’ drawers. Phew! I’m taking a break this week to learn how to make a movie. Next week, I’m learning more about Restorative Circles with Dominic Barter in Toronto, Ontario (contact (at) restorativecircles.org). In the midst of this, my littlest talks over everyone most of the time. Meaningful conversation and connection is a real challenge these days! Gotta love toddlers.

I read somewhere that our families push our buttons because they put them there. Family relationships provide the best catalyst for personal growth because  all our beliefs, attachments, feelings, needs, strengths, and limitations will be challenged.

“Human relationships are the perfect tool for sanding away our rough edges and getting at the core of divinity within us.” Eknath Easwaran

Sometimes we’re afraid to connect with our kids or spouse because they may say something that triggers our guilt, sadness, or pain. Other times when we genuinely seek to connect, the other person perceives it as interrogation or therapy. Perhaps we dread having a difficult conversation because “it always ends up the same way”. This can be especially true for parents seeking divorce, enduring a stressful or transitional time, grieving from the death of a loved on, or becoming a parent after a significant painful event. Some of us worry that we’re “bad parents” or we don’t want to cause our children pain.  Is it a fear, “maybe I won’t measure up to the latest parenting advice”? Is it a fear of not being able to be heard or effectively advocate for ourselves. Limiting beliefs can lead us to feel sensitive and want to defend ourselves.

Here  are  10  tips to Overcome the Challenges of Connection in Family Relationships. This list is definitely not exhaustive. Continue to add to it by examining all the conditions that support connection so that you can do more of that every day.

1. No one is perfect. Even the best parents, spouses, and communicators make mistakes. We all make mistakes even when we’re doing our best.

2. You’ve already had so much success in your life. Begin to notice all the ways that you meet your needs. Look at what you’ve managed to accomplish so far! Whatever comes along, you can find the resources you need to solve any problem and manage any feeling.

3. Sometimes all we need is to grieve a loss (e.g., separation, death, disappointment) with someone there to listen to us. That’s all.

4.  Whatever  anyone  says, don’t take it personally. Criticism is the expression of unmet needs and painful feelings. What we feel is our response to the world. The world doesn’t cause our pain. There are as many sides to a story as there are people perceiving the event.
If you offer empathy and your spouse says (as mine did), “Don’t talk to me that way!” then perhaps he’s looking for reassurance of authentic connection and trust. Hear the needs, not the criticism and you’ll likely get the connection you’re looking for.

5. Many of us feel overwhelmed by painful feelings and want to make them go away. Feelings are our bodies way of informing us of our needs. The best way to meet our needs is to welcome and listen to our feelings without judgment.
When you still find this difficult, seek the help of someone who is willing to witness and listen.

6. Family life means change. Change involves grief. Grief involves feeling and integrating. Give yourself time to integrate new circumstances.

7. Listen to your children even when what they say is hard to hear. Learn to feel comfortable living outside your comfort zone for awhile until you understand what’s at the heart of the matter. The initial discomfort will pass as you understand and integrate new information.

8.  Talk  about  things  that  are  troubling  you  even when you feel uncomfortable. Most things left unspoken and hidden will cause conflict at some point.

9. Don’t criticize your spouse in front of your kids or tell everyone what you think of so-and-so. Taking care of yourself and your needs is about discerning who to tell and when. If you’re having trouble with your spouse, talk with him or her directly after getting clear about what you’re feeling and needing. Speak with a trusted friend, coach, or therapist first so that you can articulate yourself clearly and advocate for you needs effectively.

10. Laugh at yourself. When your kids call each other “stupid”, share times when you were stupid too. I can think of lots of times when I was stupid, lazy, smart, fast, slow…and none of those times defined who I am. Admit when you make mistakes, laugh, and do a “do-over”.

With warmth until next week,
Wendy